Given what I've been dealing with as of late, it makes my mother seem almost NORMAL.
Perspective is a glorious thing.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
My Stalker: Part 10: A Visual
The photo I am about to share harkens back to LAST Monday's run in, where it appeared as if he were lingering/loitering/LURKING between the two buildings for no apparent reason (other than, I suspect, to encounter me).
Where the arrow points to is a blind spot, which is not a fence, but a part of a retaining wall at the property line between the two buildings.
It’s not a place where someone with good intentions would linger.
And clearly, you see the entrance to the garage area that leads to the loading
dock. And given the time of evening, he should have been up at the front desk
10 minutes prior. So he was out there for a reason. And he doesn’t smoke, so
that is not a possibility.
Nothing has happened last night, but from now on when I exit, I’ll be doing so by crossing the street and bypassing that particular juncture. Soon with the roll back of daylight savings, it’ll start getting very dark very soon in the evenings, and well… you know I’m on high alert. I am ART OF WAR-ing the shit out of him (i.e., Know thy enemy). I plan on finding out the most info I can about the security guards. Just given the briefest amount of info from B., the former cop who will be retiring soon, but it doesn't appear as if the doormen are trained or vetted or bonded. So this is worrisome.
Not paranoid, but cautious. And above all else, I'm AWARE.
PS: FWIW, at Monday's session with my therapist, he thinks the way I am handling this is admirable. The entire session was devoted to the myriad of ways this entire scenario is chock full of WTF, and chock full of potential ways for this to go sideways or pear-shaped.
Where the arrow points to is a blind spot, which is not a fence, but a part of a retaining wall at the property line between the two buildings.
Nothing has happened last night, but from now on when I exit, I’ll be doing so by crossing the street and bypassing that particular juncture. Soon with the roll back of daylight savings, it’ll start getting very dark very soon in the evenings, and well… you know I’m on high alert. I am ART OF WAR-ing the shit out of him (i.e., Know thy enemy). I plan on finding out the most info I can about the security guards. Just given the briefest amount of info from B., the former cop who will be retiring soon, but it doesn't appear as if the doormen are trained or vetted or bonded. So this is worrisome.
Not paranoid, but cautious. And above all else, I'm AWARE.
PS: FWIW, at Monday's session with my therapist, he thinks the way I am handling this is admirable. The entire session was devoted to the myriad of ways this entire scenario is chock full of WTF, and chock full of potential ways for this to go sideways or pear-shaped.
Monday, October 13, 2014
My Stalker: Part 9: Night Terrors
I feel it worth mentioning that last night I had my first night terror in perhaps a full year. A full bodied, blood curdling scream. Imagine that. Screaming yourself awake. My heart pounding in my chest like pistons in a steam locomotive going at high speed.
As composed as I am, consciously, I worry that at my sub-conscious level, I'm much more distressed than I am allowing myself to experience or wallow.
It is now 1:38 a.m. Monday morning, and I'm afraid to go to sleep. And I know there are only so many times I can scream like this before, eventually, my neighbors call the cops on me, because SURELY it sounds as if someone were killing me.
As composed as I am, consciously, I worry that at my sub-conscious level, I'm much more distressed than I am allowing myself to experience or wallow.
It is now 1:38 a.m. Monday morning, and I'm afraid to go to sleep. And I know there are only so many times I can scream like this before, eventually, my neighbors call the cops on me, because SURELY it sounds as if someone were killing me.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
My Stalker: Part 8: My Judgement
So. About my stalker.
I don't view my befriending him as a sign my judgement is shitty. My first impulse in the past always was to turn my anger inward towards myself and my judgement. But here's the flaw with that logic or behavior: My judgement has been spectacular in the past, as that same judgement has led to me marrying my current husband, and has been spectacular in the cultivation of friendships, some of which have lasted upwards of nearing-three decades long.
I see my judgement as nothing short of stellar, and see the cultivation of that friendship as a testament to how manipulative and persuasive this SOCIOPATH is. I have been forthright with how I have presented myself, and sadly only over time was I able to discern he was misrepresenting himself. If, and only if things do escalate to the point of me reporting both, to my boss and his, I neither think I "deserved this" nor was I "asking for it," because at my core, I was nothing short of kind and "nice" to this person, even far longer than his behaviors really deserved. And in the end, my judgement demanded I starve the beast. Cautious and slow to act, but in the end, I judged and acted in accordance to my own dignity and integrity.
I actually had to articulate that very fact (I did not deserve this, I did not ASK FOR IT) to my mother, who is still living in the dark ages when "Let's blame the victim to justify the horrible act!"
So my tack is to starve the beast of the very thing it feasts upon: attention.
Monday will mark the third week of starving the beast.
I don't view my befriending him as a sign my judgement is shitty. My first impulse in the past always was to turn my anger inward towards myself and my judgement. But here's the flaw with that logic or behavior: My judgement has been spectacular in the past, as that same judgement has led to me marrying my current husband, and has been spectacular in the cultivation of friendships, some of which have lasted upwards of nearing-three decades long.
I see my judgement as nothing short of stellar, and see the cultivation of that friendship as a testament to how manipulative and persuasive this SOCIOPATH is. I have been forthright with how I have presented myself, and sadly only over time was I able to discern he was misrepresenting himself. If, and only if things do escalate to the point of me reporting both, to my boss and his, I neither think I "deserved this" nor was I "asking for it," because at my core, I was nothing short of kind and "nice" to this person, even far longer than his behaviors really deserved. And in the end, my judgement demanded I starve the beast. Cautious and slow to act, but in the end, I judged and acted in accordance to my own dignity and integrity.
I actually had to articulate that very fact (I did not deserve this, I did not ASK FOR IT) to my mother, who is still living in the dark ages when "Let's blame the victim to justify the horrible act!"
So my tack is to starve the beast of the very thing it feasts upon: attention.
Monday will mark the third week of starving the beast.
Friday, October 10, 2014
My Stalker: Part 7: Pepper Spray
I've attempted to order via Amazon, however, it's illegal to mail pepper spray in New York State. I contacted the nearest sporting goods store proximal to my office, and they don't sell pepper spray within the city limits. I'm undaunted, and researching, and if I have to hop the border to New Jersey this weekend to do so, I will, so I can ensure I am as armed for my own protection.
That being said, I found this useful information on the legal-ese of pepper spray in New York State:
That being said, I found this useful information on the legal-ese of pepper spray in New York State:
"FROM New York State Penal Law Exemption of Weapons Law §265. Sale of "self-defense spray device" Section §265.20
14.Possession in accordance with the provisions of this paragraph of a
self-defense spray device as defined herein for the protection of a
person or property and use of such self-defense spray device under
circumstances which would justify the use of physical force pursuant to
article thirty-five of this chapter.
(a) As used in this section "self-defense spray device" shall mean a pocket sized spray device which contains and releases a chemical or organic substance which is intended to produce temporary physical discomfort or disability through being vaporized or otherwise dispensed in the air or any like device containing pepper or similar disabling agent.
(b) The exemption under this paragraph shall not apply to a person who:
(i) is less than eighteen years of age; or
(ii) has been previously convicted in this state of a felony or any assault; or
(iii) has been convicted of a crime outside the state of New York which if committed in New York would constitute a felony or any assault crime."
(a) As used in this section "self-defense spray device" shall mean a pocket sized spray device which contains and releases a chemical or organic substance which is intended to produce temporary physical discomfort or disability through being vaporized or otherwise dispensed in the air or any like device containing pepper or similar disabling agent.
(b) The exemption under this paragraph shall not apply to a person who:
(i) is less than eighteen years of age; or
(ii) has been previously convicted in this state of a felony or any assault; or
(iii) has been convicted of a crime outside the state of New York which if committed in New York would constitute a felony or any assault crime."
My Stalker: Part 6: Strategic Avoidance & Escalation Abatement
There's a couple of things which are at play which prevent me from going to my boss and perhaps HIS.
1. This act could escalate things beyond where they are right now. Whether it's him being reprimanded, or worse, losing his job. I don't need him to fixate on me any further than he already, obviously is.
2. I remain unimpressed and distressed with my rapport (actually, the LACK of rapport) with one of my two "bossmen." Any time I come to him with any concern, he thinks I am a nag and negative and quite possibly a bitch. I've come to him about actual administrative shit, and he shrugs it off, at one point said "I don't have time for this shit," and even goes so far as to rarely, if ever, acknowledging my emails. It's distressing to be marginalized. Also, I've been harassed IN FRONT OF HIM by someone else, and he stood there and did nothing.
I don't see much good coming from either of these two scenarios. So. The only thing I am doing, in football parlance, "the best defense is a good offense," and be aware of my surroundings, don't dawdle in remote areas of the building, and get the fuck out on time. Also: Carry pepper spray.
One co-worker knows (for sure, that I told, though I am sure some folks over-heard this), and my husband knows, too. I was talking about it this a.m. and said how I wasn't sure if it were coincidental or if I'm just paranoid, but I am convinced he is still stalking me on the security cameras. Husband agrees not to do anything until or unless he escalates it. Hopefully that won't happen, but you never know.
I am not overly threatened by him. He's almost 60, out of shape, just had surgery a month ago, so I'm sure I could just punch or kick him in his gut, and make a dash for it if he were to get aggressive with me. But the whole subtext of I AM WATCHING YOU is more than a bit creepy.
And I know he's spreading some sort of rumor about me, because this a.m., upon entering, out-of-the-blue, one of the maintenance men asked me if I were alright. I didn't ask what he meant by that, and just replied, "Of course." But I know that Sal is spreading some sort of rumor about me to explain away why I have been avoiding him like a raging case of Ebola.
That's all I got for now, but I think it'd be hilariously ironic if, upon returning from Dick's Sporting Goods, where I hope to buy a small canister of pepper spray, if he'd somehow or another force an interaction. However, I'll thwart his attempts by doing the switcheroo, by trespassing thru the neighboring high rise, in the most convoluted route possible, to re-enter my building by way of the lobby--and hopefully before he transitions from the loading dock to the front desk at 2 p.m.
ETA: Fuck Dick's Sporting Goods, and fuck New York State. They cannot sell pepper spray. I might have to make a trek over the border to Paramus this weekend to get a wee bit of aerosolized protection.
1. This act could escalate things beyond where they are right now. Whether it's him being reprimanded, or worse, losing his job. I don't need him to fixate on me any further than he already, obviously is.
2. I remain unimpressed and distressed with my rapport (actually, the LACK of rapport) with one of my two "bossmen." Any time I come to him with any concern, he thinks I am a nag and negative and quite possibly a bitch. I've come to him about actual administrative shit, and he shrugs it off, at one point said "I don't have time for this shit," and even goes so far as to rarely, if ever, acknowledging my emails. It's distressing to be marginalized. Also, I've been harassed IN FRONT OF HIM by someone else, and he stood there and did nothing.
I don't see much good coming from either of these two scenarios. So. The only thing I am doing, in football parlance, "the best defense is a good offense," and be aware of my surroundings, don't dawdle in remote areas of the building, and get the fuck out on time. Also: Carry pepper spray.
One co-worker knows (for sure, that I told, though I am sure some folks over-heard this), and my husband knows, too. I was talking about it this a.m. and said how I wasn't sure if it were coincidental or if I'm just paranoid, but I am convinced he is still stalking me on the security cameras. Husband agrees not to do anything until or unless he escalates it. Hopefully that won't happen, but you never know.
I am not overly threatened by him. He's almost 60, out of shape, just had surgery a month ago, so I'm sure I could just punch or kick him in his gut, and make a dash for it if he were to get aggressive with me. But the whole subtext of I AM WATCHING YOU is more than a bit creepy.
And I know he's spreading some sort of rumor about me, because this a.m., upon entering, out-of-the-blue, one of the maintenance men asked me if I were alright. I didn't ask what he meant by that, and just replied, "Of course." But I know that Sal is spreading some sort of rumor about me to explain away why I have been avoiding him like a raging case of Ebola.
That's all I got for now, but I think it'd be hilariously ironic if, upon returning from Dick's Sporting Goods, where I hope to buy a small canister of pepper spray, if he'd somehow or another force an interaction. However, I'll thwart his attempts by doing the switcheroo, by trespassing thru the neighboring high rise, in the most convoluted route possible, to re-enter my building by way of the lobby--and hopefully before he transitions from the loading dock to the front desk at 2 p.m.
ETA: Fuck Dick's Sporting Goods, and fuck New York State. They cannot sell pepper spray. I might have to make a trek over the border to Paramus this weekend to get a wee bit of aerosolized protection.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
My Stalker: Part 5: On Paranoia
Now, of course, any/every little otherwise seemingly coincidental run in, whether it be Monday's run in outside at the back of the building, or today's run in at the elevator (seriously, he rushed the elevator, almost bumping into me), I cannot help but wonder if it's a coincidence or if it's the result of him stalking me via the security monitors.
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