Xmas Miracles

Too many details. And I'm lazy/tired/depressed. So the high points:

1. My sister and I ended up finally talking. Things that needed saying were said, and without malice or drama.
2. My brother's wife (aka The Yenta Beast, aka "Garbage Wrapped in Skin") picked a fight with my handicapped/housebound mother ON XMAS DAY, and it got hellaciously ugly; however, the bright spot is that she allegedly will no longer darken my mother's doorstep. Let's see how long this lasts. 

From Rage, Some Measure of Catharsis

"Some."

I'm not proud of it, but when push came to shove this weekend, I unleashed quite a bit of rage and deposited all in my mother's lap. My mother who is totally incapable of handling outbursts like this, and unable to change a god damned thing about it. She's damaged. And I'm not cruel about it, I don't point it out to her, her own damaged-ness. However, she started in on how upset she is that all three of her kids don't talk to one another, and well, to be succinct, I worked myself into a frothy rage. 

For starters, I told her the bit about how all three of us kids aren't talking is INCORRECT. In fact, my brother and I communicate regularly. And I stand a greater chance at seeing HIM than my sister. Why? Because it's important to him.

I resent the fact that NO ONE comes to see me, even if they happen to be passing through my neck of the woods, yet the entire ONUS is on ME to put forth the effort for face time. 

I resent the fact that my aunt, who lives the closest to me, who for five years drove her daughter from NJ to NH, passing through my area on the way to/fro, could not be bothered to make so much as a pit stop to pee, have a cup of coffee and continue on home. Yet, there she is, inserting herself into OUR time, this was meant to be part of my holiday gift to my mother, time together, time we don't normally have for one another, and there's my aunt... and to top things off SHE WAS SICK WITH THE SNIFFLES. This woman can see me any damned time she decides she's willing to put forth the effort to see me. Yet doesn't. And there she was, our third wheel.

I resent the fact that every single person in the family thinks they, and they alone, hold the exclusive right to be disappointed or disgusted in every one else. News flash. We all are hurting. We're all imperfect. No one's life is any more important than anyone else's. Yet, no one talks to one another about whatever it is. I don't come down as often as people would like, in part, because of the passive aggression that no one likes one another and everyone is talking poorly about everyone else.

I resent the fact that my sister expects me to be more present for my niece, yet, my sister doesn't expend one bit of energy on her end. Shames me or resents me because I am not there. Well, I am physically unwell. I am UNABLE "be here." I am unable to be who everyone expects me to be. I don't care that taking care of myself makes me a horrible person.

I work. When I am not working, I am going to an assortment of doctor's visits, and taking time to take care of my husband. My husband, who provides a good life for me. My husband who works hard to provide that life. My husband who is entitled to enjoy his downtime with his wife. So whatever energy I have, I devote to my husband, because he is the only person on the planet earth that I can depend upon 100%. No one else HERE can I say the same. So, whatever time and energy I have after, then perhaps I'll use that time to come down. But trust me, there's not enough time.

This has been a challenging year for me, health wise, and my sister knew this, yet not at any given point of time did she ever call or text or email me to find out if the thyroid thing turned out to be cancerous, or what was the deal with the spot on the lung? No. But she sent me an invitation to my niece's "graduation party" (graduating from elementary to junior high). Also on a Sunday. And no, not even asking me about the thyroid cancer thing even as an afterthought. 

When you do not see me or hear from me regularly, it is not me being passive aggressive. It is not me being mean. It is me acknowledging I have limits to what parts of myself, and how much of my energy I can give others. This is not done with malice or anger. This is done out of self-preservation. Also? The boundaries I put up are not just for family, either.

The turning point for me was when dad was in the hospital dying, and I stayed with him in the hospital room for two nights in a row. And exhausted, I got into a car accident so bad my car had to be towed away. And there I was, 120 miles from home, the only car for my household is now UNDRIVABLE, and not one fucking person that I am related to answered their phone to render aid to me. My husband took a cab to the airport, got a rental car and drove 120 miles to come collect me. 

This was the turning point for me, the knowledge or awareness that no matter how much energy or time or effort I give you people, it's never going to be enough to make everyone happy. I cannot make everyone happy. I cannot fix this situation. And I refuse to put myself into a situation where I might feel like it's not safe or the best thing for me to make that horrible drive as regularly as everyone would like. Again, this is not done out of malice. 

Me: I cannot be who you want or need me to be.
Mom: I just need you to be my daughter.
Me: I hope that's enough, because that's all I have to give. 

Furiously I inventoried the ways my sister has excluded me, yet thinks she holds the exclusive right to be disappointed or angry about the situation. Pretty much the majority of this was screamed at the top of my lungs:

1. I am my niece's God mother. Yet, when the time came for my niece's first communion, I was not notified in advance of it, so I might be there. Yet, I was told about it after the fact.
2. My sister drives through my area for business, yet does not stop for coffee.
3. I'm tired of the passive aggressive cards she sends. My birthday card was signed by my niece "Love, The BLAHBLAHS (surname redacted); or this XMas photo card of my niece posing in front of the Time Life Building, a scant half hour from my home.
3a. My sister regularly goes to NYC for fun stuff w/my niece, yet never gives me a heads up so that perhaps I could meet her for lunch or tea or face time. I am not a priority to her. 
4. Parties are always held on Sundays, not on Saturdays. If parties are on Saturdays I can come for the party, sleep over, head home DURING DAYLIGHT and hopefully not in pain. But no, for whatever reason parties are held on Sundays. Again, I'm not a priority.
5. My sister no longer replies to texts, emails, or telephone calls, so I no longer try to insert myself in a place where I'm obviously not wanted.
5a. This also extends to my niece who is going to be 12 next month. Who has an email acct of her own, who also, does not reply to my emails. So again, why should I bother? Yet, I am the horrible person.

Bottom line is, I have a job, a husband, a household, and I've also got HEALTH ISSUES which are making it a challenge for me to find the time to DO ANYTHING at all, much less come to Jersey. And whatever time or energy I have, it's going to be devoted to my husband. He is my life. He is my family.  Why is it okay for my sister to focus on her job, husband, child, and her JOY, yet I am expected to give what little time I have, to the potential for me to possibly get killed in a car accident? Will that make people happy? I refuse to put myself in that situation.

So about that frothy rage? Yeah. I worked myself up into such a state, I had a full on anxiety attack, which only abated after drinking booze.

Lesson learned this trip:
1. Perhaps I should call my mother more regularly.
2. Next time I visit her, I need to pack more booze.

Avert Your Eyes: I'm About to Vent My Spleen

So, there's drama brewing in my family. I detest these motherfluckers.

I'm just going to get the trip out of the way, and I'll be good until Spring. Thought it was just going to be me and my mother having a nice visit. Instead, she has to effing ambush me, as I've found out my aunt is ALSO going to be there Saturday, and ALSO will be sleeping over. And no doubt my sister will do one of her characteristic "Drive By" things where she dumps my niece off, spending the day (and IDK, perhaps SPEND THE NIGHT TOO?), as if I do not have plans for my time while down there. 

You see, when I visit my mother, my time is never my own if my sister is involved. I had plans on making something special to bring for lunch, then mom told me about what she did and who's coming, and I said, "Well, I was planning on bringing something nice for YOU AND I to eat; you can feed everyone now, I guess." 

I *was* planning on having a friend (who lives roughly 4 traffic lights away from my mom) over for breakfast on Sunday before I left to head home, and now, I don't want to do that and subject him to my fucked up family, and by extension, give them fodder to gossip about. So I'll meet him for breakfast before heading back home. 

On top of all this, this little "party before the party" is a huge pain in my ass as well, because my mother obviously is excluding my brother and his wife, which then puts me in the position to appear as if I had any part of this. I was not included in the plan at all. Also? My mother and sister must think that I do not speak to my brother regularly.

I. DO. IN FACT. TALK TO HIM REGULARLY (and yes, this is in spite of the fact I detest his wife. I can detest her privately, and still have a relationship with my brother).

I let him know I'm coming down on Saturday because the day works out better for me personally, and to avoid the drama of the party on Sunday. I didn't want him to find out after the fact and have his feelings hurt. 

Bottom line is, I have more of a chance of scheduling time with my brother and ACTUALLY SEEING HIM, even if it's at a halfway point between his house and my house, than I'll ever stand a chance of seeing my sister. Simply put, she doesn't want to put forth any effort to see me, she HAS IN FACT driven through my area for work (never stopping for so much as a cup of coffee) and most recently, she was in NYC about 10 days ago, and I found out about this by the photo xmas card she sent me, where my niece is posing in front of the Time Life Building, about 35 minutes from my home--and yet cannot be bothered to say, "Hey, if you can come, even for a pop in visit, cup of tea, for face time...we'll be here on such and such a date." No. None of that. So whatever effort that will be put forth to have a relationship with my niece? Yeah. I AM THE ONE WHO HAS TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

Also, I know my sister talks smack about me relentlessly to my mother and perhaps even in front of my niece (who will be 12 next month). She's old enough to make calls or emails herself, yet doesn't. I've tried to email her, and my emails go unacknowledged.

This all brings me to... I don't think the Wellbutrin is helping me in the way I hoped. I still OBVIOUSLY suffer serious anxiety issues, and it's just not cutting it. And I don't want to up the dose and run the risk of a seizure. I'm afraid to have a cocktail now as I don't know how my body will react to it. And I'm going to start 2014 with the hope that I can get to my "medical to do list" without anything else interfering with it:

*Colonoscopy (trust me, not my choice!); *Go to psychiatrist for a consult re: my hormone imbalance and find out if there's something else I can be on for my anxiety & depression; *Follow up w/my neurologist to see if he can help manage my other pain issues (i.e. my adenomyosis/endometriosis, and herniation pain) in addition to my migraines (which he is already treating me for);

* Follow up sleep study

So, I work, and have a limited amount of days off to take for these appointments, and I don't really know how I'm supposed to magically be able to fit in I DO NOT KNOW HOW MANY TRIPS TO JERSEY, given the time, and my own PHYSICAL LIMITATIONS.

So my weekend is shot. A weekend I could be using to paint my living room before the entertainment center gets delivered and installed. But no, I’m going to see these assholes to shut them up.  I told my chiropractor last night (when we were talking about holiday plans), "Yes. This weekend will be the trifecta of suck. Horrible traffic to south central Jersey, Rainy foggy weather on Sunday's return, and dealing with a bunch of passive aggressive relatives who talk smack about me behind my back."

Also? I regret the day my sister asked me to be my niece's god mother. Had I known in advance that I'd be dealing with the amount of health issues as I am NOW, I'd never have agreed to it. I with she'd just get angry, say what she has to say, and out of spite,  make someone ELSE my niece's god mother. 

The baseline of passive-aggression is bad enough, then to add to it, she changed her will and made my aunt my niece's guardian, if something were to happen to my sister and my brother in law. And no, I did not find that out from my sister. My mother, in a Vicodin haze let that one slip out.

I hate every last one of these people, and I'm angry with my father now that he's been gone. Horrible.

Why go? So that I can say to myself, confidently, at least "I" made an effort, and also? It's the lesser of the evils. 

Let No Good Deed Go Unpunished

Well, so as to avoid drama about me not being around, and yet try to make a balance of Thanksgiving shitting the bed for the greater part of my family, I planned on seeing my mother on the 21st, sleep over, and get the fuck out of Dodge before everyone arrives for the family fuckfest on the 22nd.

Turns out my mother thinks she's clever. She's such a moron she doesn't see that I SEE she's going to ambush me on Saturday. Turns out my aunt is conveniently going to be at the house. And oh by the way, my sister knows too, so chances are good she's going to foist my niece upon me since I"m never around, and the argument has been made this is the only way my niece will see me. This, I categorically call BULLSHIT upon, as my sister was in NYC, a scant half hour from my home, and couldn't be bothered to let me know in advance, so I might take the train in or schedule appointments, and swing by for a brief face time and cup of tea. You see, the responsibility is ENTIRELY ON ME.

My sister fails to see that sending a Christmas card an act of passive-aggression. Imagine my ticked-offed-ness when I saw this year's photo card has my niece posing in front of the Time Life Building. She could have been photographed on my back porch for that matter. You come all this way, and couldn't care less about inviting me along? For years I've wanted to go to the Radio City Xmas Show--yet, in all these years (niece will be 12 next month), I have never, ever been included in this. Or included in the multitude of visits to the American Girl Store & Cafe. 

Anyway...

The part of the ambush that was bothering me the greater part of today was the thought of how hurt my brother would be if he found out I came all that way for a visit, and mom et al excluded him/his wife/his daughter. These cunts think I do not speak with my brother regularly enough. We do. If anything we're allies.  So I texted him to let him know I"m coming down on the 21st, and that he and I should actively plan on getting together early on in the new year for lunch at a midway point between our homes. And of course, exclude my sister.

An additional side note here is: I've also tried establishing an email line of communication with my niece (pointless in calling the house, no one ever answers the phone; and my sister does not reply to emails or texts anymore--but yeah, blame ME for the state of affairs here). Granted I haven't sent many emails, perhaps three. And in all three times, they have gone unanswered.  So yeah. Good times ahead for me! A lot of my tenseness in my stomach dissipated, somewhat, after texting my brother. But I've taken to  popping priolosec, because I fear these people are truly making me sick and burning a hole thru my stomach.

PS: My Wellbutrin only goes "so far."

Fuck these hags.

ETA: Whoah. Not sure how or why, but this particular blog post got 77 page views. Wondering what's driving the traffic to this particular post.

So Thanksgiving Shit The Bed

Well, it didn't shit the bed FOR ME. I was away. Sweet, merciful Mahatma Ghandi! I was AWAY. But apparently, for those of my kin who gathered on the day to give thanks, well, the day up and shit the bed. So glad I was not there for it. To be honest, after 12 years of my brother's wife inflicting (what she thinks is) her personality on all of us, it's grinding what's left of our family down to a mother-fucking NUB.

Apparently, this happened:

1.    Brother and his wife (aka the YentaBeast) Showed up nearly an hour late. They do this constantly. Call 20 minutes after 2 and say they’re running behind, and then 30-40 minutes later, they finally arrive.
2.    YentaBeast Got surly when she realized people had already started eating (finger foods, not the actual meal yet—yes, she shows up that late and expects people to hold up the meal—despite the fact that family parties always start at 2 p.m. Always have, always will.
3.    Their daughter is antisocial—however, I think the kid actually falls somewhere on the autism spectrum. At least she’s got an excuse for being the way she is.She very much puts out a LEAVE ME ALONE VIBE, so my other niece and the step-granddaughter of a friend were playing nicely, went outside and didn’t include my other niece ("G") because… LEAVE ME ALONE.
4.    YentaBeast was grousing about how niece "E" never includes "G" in anything (see also: "G" is outwardly antisocial). Grousing under her breath but everyone could hear her.
5.    When YB asked my sister if she was going to YB’s other’s Chanukkah thing on Friday sis said she was working.
6.    While sis was talking to her friend about the movies for FRIDAY, YB groused further about sis was LYING to YB’s mother, despite the fact YB didn’t hear every detail and that sis' friend was taking "E" to the movies w/the step-granddaughter.   (I think YB was also trying to wrangle an invite to the movies, to be honest—she tries to shoe horn herself into situations that have nothing to do with her--with people who truly detest her. She very clearly does not have any sense of self-awareness.)
7.    YB called my mother to bitch about it, and when she wouldn’t listen to mom, and talked over mom, mom just hung up the phone on her.
8.    This of course is on top of the fact that she and my brother BICKER CONSTANTLY as their main mode of communication—which of course puts everyone on edge.

The whole thing is unpleasant.  I could probably handle just my mom’s nonsense on its own. But to couple that up with the YB and all this oggida… why bother? And then of course, add to the mix my own health and pain issues. I’m really pretty much in pain the entire time I’m there as I usually start to get a back spasm roughly around exit 109 on the drive DOWN.

I told my aunt POINT BLANK that “everyone has been too POLITE TO HER FOR TOO LONG, that someone should have put her in her place YEARS AGO.” And I also said, “I cannot imagine treating MY OWN family the way she does—it’s truly galling to see how she treats the family she married into.”

My mom, of course, lays on the guilt because she hasn't seen all that much of me this year. And when I quipped that I don't need a holiday to come see her, she groused how she only saw me 1-2x this year. Well, hells bells, do you listen to me? I've had a horrible year of health related wild goose chases. When am I going to have the time to fit in a visit to see mom? It's an all day affair. It's 2.5 hours down, and back, so five hours straight up just DRIVING to get there. Also? I live in near chronic pain. So even if I don't start my day in pain, I'll no doubt be in a full on back spasm at the halfway point while driving there, and the pisser here is that I cannot take a pain pill or drink a cocktail to blunt the pain becuase FUCK ME, I need to drive my ass home. 

I've very clearly said to my aunt, directly, "Simply put, I am physically unable to make that drive more frequently than I do."

But again. I know the flaw in my argument here. Of course. The only pain and physical limitations that are valid are my mother's. Pop another vicodin and shut the fuck up!  And yes, it's obvious to me, it's so much more effective and easier to project all their/her resentment upon me for not being there, rather than, yanno, turning that resentment inward and realize at how limited our family gatherings are because she cannot leave her house. Hell, she cannot even lug her own garbage cans out to the curb! I'd go batshit crazy if I couldn't get fresh air in my lungs after 24-48 hours. Sunshine on the cheeks, even.

So Thanksgiving so effectively shit the bed the jury is still out on whether the family full on fuck fest will happen this year or not. Mom says, "Ask your sis, but if we have it, it'll be on the 22nd." I text sis, "I don't know, but if we have it it's the 22nd." Aunt says the same thing. I'm hoping this angry assed vendetta bullshit can hold up until the 23rd, because if by the 21st it's still raging, I'm coming down on the 21st because it's convenient for ME, and if I need to, I'll sleep over and head home early on the 22nd, drive home during daylight hours, and not run the risk of being too tired or too in pain or too harried and get myself in another car accident 120 miles from home, in the only car for our household, only to have NOT ONE SINGLE MEMBER OF MY FAMILY come to my aid. Fuck that noise.

Also worth mentioning, my sister cannot be bothered to:

1. Do a pop in visit if/when she drives through my area to CT, or en route back home to NJ; or

2. Let me know when she's going into NYC so that perhaps we can coordinate face time over a cup of coffee. My niece "E" is 11 years old, and NOT ONE SINGLE TIME has my sister included me in any of her trips to NYC. PS: She'll be there this week for the Radio City Music Hall Xmas Show.  

In summation: If I see my mother, I'll see her when I am able and when it's convenient FOR ME. And if anyone's got a problem with that, they can go pound salt. And by THEY, I mean, my sister and my aunt, both of whom seem not to want to come to my home. Though to be honest, my aunt doesn't invite me to her home anymore for Xmas day or for summertime barbeques. So I have no doubt when my mother passes away, either or both of them will take the opportunity to tell me what a COLOSSAL DISAPPOINTMENT OF A HUMAN I am...

... as if THEY are the only ones disgusted and disappointed in things. But again, I guess since I don't have a child, my POV doesn't matter.

Fuck me running. Is it January 2nd yet?