Partners from hell: ‘Borderline’ people have needy, fractured psyches and make life miserable for those closest to them. Sound like anyone you know? By Christmas Day in 2000, Jean Smith’s husband of 23 years shot himself. She found him but was unable to help – just four days earlier she had undergone back surgery. He survived, and when he recovered she recalled his words: “It was all your fault. You were such a b- the whole year.” This wasn’t the first time Smith’s husband refused to accept responsibility for his actions, she said. (The couple, who have since separated, requested that their real surname not be used.) […]
While he was in the hospital, a social worker told her that it sounded as if her husband suffered from borderline personality disorder. “I’d never heard of it before,” said Smith, who turned to the Internet. “This was him, 100 percent. I couldn’t believe there were others out there like this.” Believed to afflict from 2% to 3% of the general population, BPD is more common than Alzheimer’s, which affects an estimated 4 million Americans, and more prevalent than bipolar disorder and schizophrenia combined. It’s seen in 10% to 20% of psychiatric outpatients and from 15% to 20% of inpatients. Tally the partners and children of those with BPD, and 30 million may suffer its effects, according to Randi Kreger, coauthor of “Stop Walking on Eggshells” (New Harbinger Publications, 1998), a book for family members of those with BPD. […]
A study of twins by Dr. Svenn Torgersen of Norway, the only significant twin study on the subject to date, suggested a surprisingly strong genetic predisposition. What is inherited is not the disorder per se, Gunderson said, but probably its hallmark traits of impulsivity, aggressiveness and emotional intensity. Superimpose environmental factors, such as an abusive or distant parent, and BPD may develop. […]
[This next passage made me think of that Irish term, “House Devil & Street Angel.”] “They can appear quite functional in their interactions with others – highly competent, focused, driven to be successful – but there’s intense inner chaos that tends to be projected only onto close family members,” said Michael Roe, a family law attorney and mediator in Chicago specializing in divorce and custody cases involving personality disorders. […] In a word, Roe said, BPD is “traumatic” for family members. […]
Dad's reply to me, Subject: “Sh*anty Irish":
Hey there, It sure rings a bell——-there was a piece in dear Abby today-I thought maybe your sis or you wrote it, but it was from someone in the Midwest having the same problem. After Monday’s blast—–because i wasn’t going to drive her—–told me if she slips and falls don’t come to the hospital——-got tears & tears and curses galore——-
I’m an infernal optimist so here it goes—– if i die i’m free—–if she dies I’m free—*There are a lot of similarities in that diagnosis—–like she is jealous of my relationship with you, your sis, your brother, your niece, the dogs, birds, my fishing, my shooting, when i was doing it my photography, anyone that i talk or associate with. and the Dirtiest trick of all——–its old hat—-but when i think of it i get furious, how I thought I failed and reproached myself for years——and it was all her doing and her mother went along with it, s*hanty Irish bitch.
Well after reading that i guess there is a lot of them running around.
Love, Dad
*Tomorrow is the anniversary of his passing, so for me to read this today, it reminds me that however things "washed out," it was to be. It's okay. He's free.
