The Fuckery Continues: 9 Months And No End In Sight

Nine months into this, and there's still not much to report. 

He's still not divorced, but from what I hear, he's being taken to the cleaners, and defibrillator or not, he has to take a second job in order to keep up with his alimony and child support payments. 

He's still half assing his way through paying bills, and well, time will only tell if he ends up getting evicted due to non payment of rent.

On another note, his house finally foreclosed, and he was too obstinate to listen to reason when it came to negotiating a price for "Cash for keys" as the new owners would like to take occupancy ASAP.

Meh.

And Audrey is still... AUDREY. Center of the universe itself. And was actively rude to my niece (her grand-daughter). My niece had her on speaker phone so my brother-in-law heard it all, and no doubt this will mean Audrey sees less and less of her grand-daughter.

Current writing, it's been a year since I bothered to go there. It's depressing, and she makes no attempt to not come off as pathetic and also underwhelmed by my presence--so why bother? Even her sister has backed off too, and is now making trips to see her every other month or so. Eventually no one will go visit her, and of course she'll blame everyone else except HERSELF for the state of things.

And if/when I do finally go there, I'll bring a sub sandwich, which she will devour even if she just finished eating lunch. The sub will be a distraction. And by the time she's done with that sub, I'll be out of there. And even so, she'd find some fault with the sub, to which I'd dispense a passive-aggressive "YOU'RE WELCOME" while sporting my bitchy resting face.

Nothing is ever good enough--so why bother, right?

And some NEW fuckery has been brought to light.

For the last year, I've sensed a weirdness, an alienation of sorts from my aunt (mom's sis). I had no idea what's going on, and of course, a characteristic of that side of the family is to be oblique and passive-aggressive.

Turns out, for the last year, she has told I DO NOT KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE (besides my sister and my niece) that:

1. She has a spreadsheet of who gave what ($$$) to my cousin's wedding in July 2017;
2. She has me listed on that spreadsheet as giving $50--not the $150 in cash I tucked inside the wedding card; and
3. She has told others how I make time for my cousin David and not for my mother (or my aunt).

Mind you, this is not a one-off kind of scenario. 15+ years ago, my cousin KewpieDoll did some fuckery spreading lies to her mother, which then caused a rift, which tho repaired, the relationship was never the same after. My aunt even said she knows what a liar her daughter is. And, I am sad to say, I suspect KewpieDoll is at it again. 

So, I sat and marinated in that knowledge for a full week, and in a fit of an anxiety attack, I decided to text my aunt the following:

FYI:
1. I put $150 cash in KewpieDoll's wedding card;
2. I have not seen anyone--you or David--since Aunt Sandy's wake in October; and
3. I am 50. An adult. The frequency of my visits to my mother are none of your business.

The solitary reply I got back was:

"Message received."

I went one step further and said:

I will no longer be shamed nor manipulate by my mother or anyone. Whatever monster you or anyone else might think of me does not change my reality.

Of course, no further reply from her was forthcoming.

And since my birthday was coming up, I decided I to block my aunt on my phone, so as to avoid her using my birthday as an impetus for contact, to prevent my aunt from "weaponizing" my birthday.

So my birthday came and went and my sister asked if I heard from our aunt. And I said no, why? And apparently, my aunt was going to text me for my birthday. I said to my sister that I blocked her on my phone, that I refuse to allow her to raise my blood pressure any further, and if she wishes to communicate with me, she can do so via my email. 

My birthday was on the 19th. It's now 8 days later. No email has been forthcoming.

Between the innate passive-aggressive fuckery on that side of the family as well as what I will deem "Trump Derangement/Delusion Syndrome" that 99% of my extended family is participating in, it's really radically winnowed the familial herd. 

It takes more than a few strands of DNA to make a family. Family are people who WANT to be involved in your life. Family are people who care about YOU above and beyond politics or religion. DNA doesn't equate to love or understanding or even respect for that matter. 

Additionally, if my aunt has known all along what a manipulator my mother is and she didn't make it her business to intervene on behalf of me and my siblings for the countless indignities and abuses we suffered as children; then what I do or don't do NOW is none of her business as well.

FOUR

FOUR.

That is the exact number of telephone calls received between 8/18 and 8/22.

1. 8/18 Audrey called to wish me a happy birthday.
2. 8/18 Audrey called back to apologize--she thought the 18th was my day.
3. 8/19 Audrey called--and we SPOKE.
4. 8/22 Audrey called YET AGAIN, this time, to see if I  got the birthday card she sent. I neither picked up the call, nor did I call her back. Clearly, this was her weaponizing my birthday, all to get more attention out of me. Attention and energy (and give-a-fuck) I outright lack.

The card was another, non-descript, impersonal card, the kind you get in a bundle when you donate to AMVETS or St. Jude Hospital.

The card is bad enough--and then there's the inscription she put inside. I really feel a bunch of different emotions reading it:

1. Initially I feel like she's trying to appeal to my sentimentality--and is trying to manipulate me that way. 
2. Then there's the feeling like we are living in entirely different universes. "It was a journey we took together." AS IF I had any choice in this endeavor! Also, I find it interesting her use of "was" and not "IS." Neither of us is dead (yet), so it's an ON-GOING journey, isn't it?
3. Then the anger hits me. The anger in it taking her 50 years to attempt to appear thoughtful--what about all the years I actually needed love or validation? JUST LIKE HER FATHER, she has the ability, and she just turns it on and off, at will.

And knowing myself, I know when the time comes and she'll no longer be in the land of the living, I'll be even more pissed, as it took her fifty years for her to attempt something that resembles thoughtfulness--but I know the thoughtfulness is not its own end--but is a means to an end, in this case, weaponizing my birthday/birthday card, in order to achieve her END, which is more attention in the form of a telephone call. What about all the years I needed the unconditional love that a mother SHOULD provide? All the years she was emotionally unavailable to me? 

I cannot take even the simple act of a card at face value, I cannot let my guard down, because that's how she worms her way back in. I have her pidgeon-holed right now, in a designated space, safely at arm's distance away. And even the fact I am actively aware of doing this, it takes energy and headspace to be vigilant and protective of myself and my life.

I have spent roughly the last 18-19 years flying solo. No parental safety net--not that I had much of one to begin with. I have built a nice life, and I'm protective of it. This is perhaps the most stable time of my life.

Sure. She gave me life, but in many ways, she's tried to destroy it, too.