Shady Pines: A Screed on Food

So the very same weekend as "Who Flung Poo," Audrey ends up in the hospital too, this time with YET ANOTHER raging cellulitis infection. She manages to call me and leave a voicemail about my brother, and never mentioned anything about HER being in the hospital--not that it matters to me really. She has gone WEEKS without calling me, and there she is, calling me to convey that my brother was in the hospital, and I have no doubt she wanted to gossip about what got him there. I wasn't having any of that, and let the call go to voicemail. She called again this past weekend, and again, I let it go to voicemail, as her birthday is on 3/1, and there is no way in hell I am going to call her twice in less than five days. Fuck that noise.

Before I get ahead of myself, here is a photo of what her dinner on Sunday was, at Shady Pines. Now mind you, she is on "self pay," and we're still waiting for the sale of her house to go through. 

The above is a photo of what you get served for dinner at a nursing home. Mom is on self-pay to the tune of $11,000 (and as of current writing, she has racked up close to $55-66,000, which is more than half of the value of her house). I have absolutely no doubt that they have it on file that mom is a diabetic who has diverticulitis. Look at that "welfare dog," plus TWO different forms of cabbage. 

Now I'm not a tube steak snob. I've been known to have a hotdog (on an actual hot dog bun!) and some cole slaw for dinner; however, if I paid someone $11,000 a MONTH for my room and board (et al), I'd expect more than this. And yet, there's a bit of irony, knowing how mom worked for 25 years in the kitchen of a nursing home--oh those poor souls! As if they didn't have enough troubles, landing them in a nursing home, but to eat mom's cooking on top of that? Surely it's one of the inner rings of Dante's hell.

Food has always been a continual theme in mom's life--food controlled her, and by extension, she controlled us with food. 

Years ago, I worked with a friend whose mom was from Ireland, and she boiled everything. She and I would go toe-to-toe, story by story, inventorying particular dishes each of our moms made that we were forced to choke back. I don't remember which of my mom's particular dishes won that contest, whether it was her grease-laden Meatball Stroganoff or her Bluefish Marinara. I am starting to dry heave a bit just thinking about this.

Then there's the matter of mom's Killer Meatloaf, which my sister and I are CONVINCED mom never actually cooked, but instead, she'd mix up the meatloaf and leave it out on the counter, unrefrigerated, until the sad, murky meat-slab turned brown and serve it up to us. It IS plausible, especially given how every time we'd eat her meatloaf, we'd all get sick. Every last one of the 5 of us, 6 if you include this one friend who was like a stray cat at dinner time, every last one of us sick, with a solitary toilet for us to all compete. TMI: Trust me. Nearly everything can be used as a toilet if you are desperate enough. 

Then there's the matter of birthdays, and how she'd use food to control the tone of our "special day." And this isn't something unique to me, everyone has a story. Every year for nearly 30 years, mom would make a German Chocolate Cake for my brother as she got it in her head that was his favorite--no dice, his favorite is an Italian rum cake!

The very last birthday I decided to give her access to me was the year I turned 31. Before the visit, she asked what I wanted for my birthday dinner and birthday cake. "Sirloin salad and red velvet cake" was my reply. This was the first and last of my birthdays where the Maharajah attended. And I guess mom changed the menu up thinking "he's Indian, Indians like HOT food" and she made roasted chicken parts and then promptly dumped an entire jar of Italian style pickled peppers on top (the dish was damn near inedible). And my birthday cake? Entenmann's crumb. And in keeping with her lack of Give a Fuck, she didn't even invest in a small box of birthday candles, and instead, jammed a 12 inch taper candle in the cake. The whole thing was so regrettable.

The only thing that could even come close to the birthday meal fuckery is mom's birthday gift bestowment. This was done so regularly, it almost is a trademark: she'd wait until the last possible moment to run to the supermarket or pharmacy and buy the first random piece of crap she could. She would hand the gift recipient the bag from the supermarket or pharmacy--and inside it would be: an unsigned birthday card, a roll of tape, a new Bic pen, a packet of gift wrap, and the shitty gift, unwrapped. She couldn't give a shit enough to wrap the gift or sign the card.  

The last birthday gift she ever got me was when I was 30 and was in the throes of leaving my exhusband. She went to the supermarket and bought some random clown marionette, making some claim that I should hang it above my bed, given the bed is probably seeing a lot of action with all the CLOWNS I date.

March 1st is her birthday. And I will get her the same thing I get her every year: a box of assorted sugar free chocolates. On the surface at least, it looks like a nice gift. My gift is passive-aggressive as all fuck, given mom has ZERO impulse control, and will eat the entire box pretty much all in ONE GO, shoveling each piece into her gaping maw before the previous piece is done being chewed or swallowed. She does this without fail, without exception, despite the box having a warning on it that "excess consumption causes diarrhea." 

IMHO, a "thank you" or other acknowledgment is the gift you give in return when someone does something nice for you. She "thanks" me the next day, in the form of a voicemail where she snarls into the phone about how my gift made her so sick/shit her pants--never once thinking that the chocolate didn't make her sick, but her LACK OF CONTROL was what made her sick. But whatever. 

So, to know the consistent diet of regrettable foods she'd serve us, and now know she's a captive audience at Shady Pines and they are serving HER regrettable food, it is karma in action, imho.

I have gone most of my life with the awareness that, in all probability, I wasn't going to get an inheritance, when I cast my gaze upon that welfare dog with the double dose of cabbage, I cannot help but think for at least a petty hot second, "that's where my inheritance is being spent." On a tiny, tiny level, I did have a hope of a consolation prize for the assortment of abuse and fuckery I received from my mother.

More: Merde Maelstrom

So, mom has been in Shady Pines since around August. She wasted precious time "deciding" to stay (Hobson's Choice was in October), when we all could have used that time to empty out her house in a more casual manner.

When things looked like they were organized and on their way to get the house ready for sale, our brother's life pretty much imploded, as was indicated mid-month in December.

So in the meanwhile, my sister's boss has decided to buy the house. Initially with the intent to "flip" it, but also has made an arrangement to allow our brother to live there (pay rent, utilities and property tax, too), and at some time in the future, the house will be sold to our brother, assuming he doesn't fuck things up.

One of my super powers is to see problems before others. And even though I voiced my concern to my sister, the plan continued. I thought SURELY if something were to go sideways it would be AFTER the sale of the house. And to date, no, the sale has not been finalized yet. ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN. I envisioned the brother working on his car, outside, loudly drinking beer with a few of his asshole buddies, and someone contacting the HoA on him. But no. That would be an IDEAL situation.

The weekend before last, a collection of absurdities occurred. First, he was stalking the YentaBeast on FB, and when she said she was going to do a number of things, one of which was see her therapist, he blasted her back with, "Liar. He's in Jamaica."  

Then, despite being advised by our sister to NOT have the YB drop his kid off at the house, he did precisely that. Prior to the YB arriving, he was outside walking his dog. This detail amuses me, given that the dog shits so much IN THE HOUSE that I bet the dog is pretty much empty while he's out on his walk.

And the YB shows up with the kid in tow. And a screaming match ensued, culminating in him tossing the sack of still warm dogshit in the car WHERE HIS KID IS. The neighbors called the cops, and while the cops were en route to respond to a domestic dispute, with Fred Sanford-like timing (ELIZABETH! I'M COMIN' TA GET YA!), the brother's defibrillator starts zapping him. And upon arriving and making a report (see? a paper trail is being established--and will no doubt work well to support a restraining order), they then took him to the ER.

Six hours after getting out of the hospital, he then, cluelessly, calls his daughter to see if she wants to go out to dinner with him. And no-shit-Sherlock! She doesn't want to go out to dinner with him, after he terrorized her with a bag of dogshit. When our sister informed him how this is going to play out, and how he'll be lucky if after the divorce he'll be able to see his kid with SUPERVISED visits, his response was, "What's the big deal? The shit was still in a bag."

What he fails to realize is that divorce is an act of war. Every action has to be calculated. And well, he's given YB the upper hand, and if "I" were the YB, I'd sure as shit get a restraining order on him and have grounds to do so, given he terrorized their kid. 

The mind reels, and the question everyone comes to initially is, "What kind of father would throw dogshit on their kid?" And this is usually met with me saying, "The same kind of father who would throw (like a spear or javelin) the front fork of a bicycle at their kid." Yep. My dear-old-dad did that very thing TO ME (I was about 11 or 12--close to the age his daughter is right now). And luckily I am a supreme clutz and the grass was wet and I slipped and it was a near-miss. He threw it with such force, the bike fork stuck in the side of our wooden shed. I have no doubt in my mind he could have killed me, and just because I did NOT die that time, doesn't make what he did to me any LESS awful. 

So my brother has the worst characteristics of both parents: dad's seething resentment/emasculinity/hostility, and mom's lack of impulse control. All of this is going to lead to him not only losing ANY kind of contact with his kid, but no doubt, if he doesn't get a grip on reality, and start paying bills and quit half-assing things, he's going to totally sabotage having a roof over his head.