Life is indeed a wild, wild trip. Last night I was baking cookies for a holiday cookie exchange party (via USPS mind you), when out of the blue I received a text from a number I did not recognize, however, I immediately knew who it was (the husband of my dearly departed friend Susan).
In between putting trays of cookies into the oven, and pulling them out 12 minutes later, the following is VERBATIM what transpired via text with him.
Full disclosure: I am full of hostility towards him for an assortment of things, however, primarily his selfishness and general asshole-ishness I've known for years, first hand from Susan.
Another layer of my hostility is knowing that my friend drove HERSELF the 5 hour drive out to Mayo Clinic. She drove herself, while in agony, as she couldn't take opiates and be behind the wheel of the car. Driving in agony as the heel of her foot was surgically amputated as it was riddled with cancer--yet the local wound care center botched every damned thing, and was treating her as if it were a garden variety diabetic foot ulcer and not an aggressive skin cancer with a 5 year mortality rate.
And then there's another layer to my hostility: when she was rushed to the hospital the final time, and then rushed to hospice, and then when she ultimately died, not once did it occur to him to text me. Rather, Susan's son texted me to let me know she entered hospice, and then a few days later, Susan's cousin texted me to let me know she died--and a few days later, she gave me the run down on just how awful he was to everyone.
Mind
you, he is Egyptian and English is a second language. As painful as it
is, I typed it out EXACTLY as it appeared in text form weird spacing
and phrasing etc. At times I added notes for a bit of context or
nuance. Also I'm highlighting in red shit he repeats.
Him:
Hello
You might know who I'm, after that time of getting many shocks by Susan's death on my hand.
If you want this ti be the last time I talk to you or I'm not welcome, it makes no difference as I got that way from all Susan's family.
I'm ****.
Me:
Not sure what to think of this text--and of course it JUST HAD TO BE YOU.
Him:
I just wanted to purify Susan's heart to you and make everything very clear, I know you both loved each other dearly.
They all ignored me and they did not even read your beautiful message you sent the day before the funeral, they abused me after the funeral, all of them
Do you want to know more, or I go away
Me:
and yet it has taken you TWO WHOLE MONTHS to reach out to me.
Him:
I was her faithful husband for 12 years and I was watching how they all tortured that beautiful angel
Well I was scared
Me:
When she went to the hospital that final time--when she entered hospice--Susan's son R called me and her cousin texted me to let me know Susan died.
Him:
I saw mr R. talking to you, how so gentle fake
Me:
Susan treated everyone far better than I would have under the circumstances
Him:
At the same time all stopped me STOPPED me from holding her hand, rubbing her hair, reciting any spiritual verses from what supports her soul going to God
Susan's mom stopped me from gentle reading Quran, then I moved to the porch silently scared still reciting quran in myself to help Susan
They turned on loud songs close to her bed
Me:
Everything was not as it should have been.
"I" suggested to R. playing music as it was something Susan loved
Him:
It is long misery broke Susan's heart as you probably knew
Yes her soul needed loud music (Note: I suspect he was going for sarcasm here)
That was why they turned loud songs to poor Susan who was dying (Note: she wasn't dead yet)
Me:
I am not sure what the purpose of this text is--is it to make ME feel better or make YOU feel better? She was a presence in my life for 21-22 years. I still wait for her daily texts that no longer come.
Him:
I said I'm purifying Susan from all the mess was hanging on her
Me:
Actually, no, you are trying to control the narrative.
Him:
As she wrote a year ago, a power attorney (I guess he means Power OF Attorney) to her brillian son, M. that she dies on Islam and her usband is her Eman (chaplain)
Me:
And YET she was embalmed and put on display like a doll.
Him:
I'm trying to control nothing, I'm so very proud of my wife
Me:
You have to make your peace with what happened. I do not need you to purify anything for Susan on my behalf.
We all failed her, and we all need to sit in discomfort of that knowledge
Him:
What are you talking about me trying to control, I did not control any, until I knew I must do her wish to die on Islam (the word that bothers everybody)
No sorry, I did not fail her till today or forever, I go every few days to read what goes to her soul.
In the funeral
her mom started crying loud talking about OOO my daughter was born Christian. But I felt I must do her wish not her mom's or any body
Me:
We ALL failed her
Him:
I'm just telling you that all those people failed Susan for so long time,
Me:
You failed her too, whether you want to believe it or not.
Him:
You knew when we were in Minnesota, how she was crying and crying and how that R. told her she never cared about her
Me:
I do not need to know all these details. you DO realize she and I talked about EVERYTHING
Him:
I was her husband and not going to discuss about me
Poor Susan ,
Me:
I don't need to know these details. It was bad enough to know how bad everyone treated her when she was alive.
Him:
Poor Susan, Bless her soul
Correct, how could you tell me I failed her ,
I really wish she never came back to America on 2009
Me:
Your wife was dying and you were angry with her for sleeping when you came home from work
Him:
Me angry
Me:
I am not going to argue.
Him:
Do you not know what husband means
Me:
I know what it means TO ME
Him:
Angry? Shame on the teller and the believer
Me:
So i've asked this twice and this will be the third time--what was the purpose of texting me two months after she died.
I owe you nothing. Your wife was as dear as a sister to me for nearly half my life.
Him:
I told you I was scared from what happened by all those people
They stopped a husband to relieve his wife in what she wanted to die with ISLAM
They turned loud music to a dying person ,where is her brain or heart to feel the music (Note: she was still alive)
Me:
I am nothing to you. You reaching out to me TWO MONTHS AFTER THE FACT because you have run out of people to dump your anger onto
Him:
Also no respect to me and I do know why and I do not really care,
I'm left alone in a funeral issues were chosen by her mom and grand daughter and then left me with the cost (NOTE: Emphasis mine)
Me:
And what--are you going to ask me to contribute?!?!?
Him:
And you knew she was a moslima
You knew her husband was taking off work for taking care of his wife (Note: Bullshit! See my comments above regarding who drove her 5 hours one way to the Mayo Clinic)
You knew I stayed with her any where she went ,anytime
Me:
She is dead now and with her God, and what exactly? you are trying to put the squeeze on me for money to pay for her funeral arrangements?
Him:
I told you I'm purifying Susan side out of all her family
I even asked them the funeral to read that wonderful message you sent to Susan's cousin
They did not
Me:
Keep telling yourself that. You're trying to control the narrative, controlling people's perceptions of you.
Him:
Control and control
Please
Yes it should be my control from the beginning
Me:
I am not soft hearted and accepting like Susan was. I have my own opinions on the matter. (Note: Subtext--I'm a bitch! :))
Him:
But she was a mom ,she was a daughter , and she was a friend
Me:
Anyway, go sell crazy someplace else--we are all stocked up here.
Him:
Well, I think I adored Susan and she got married to me
Good luck to you, and I did told you about what I felt to tell you,I do not care what you think or whatsoever, I'm just giving respect to Susan as her husband ( remember that )
Bye
You all played on Susan, who give you permission to tell anybody to turn loud songs to a married dead wife ,youdo not respect her choice,? God how those people deal with...please I'm not going to say sorry I talked to you, I will block your number, simply you are swimming with the same circle
Me (My final reply to him wherein I lowered the boom):
anyway--I am sure you texted me to see if I would contribute to Susan's final arrangements. I was a friend of SUSAN. I am nothing to you. Perhaps if you didn't lose jobs due to your anger issues you would be a better provider and wouldn't be shaking down strangers via texts for money. Perhaps you should get your "special lady" who you were trying to live with to chip in on the funeral expenses.*
*The same day Susan died, he asked her youngest daughter (his step daughter) if she would go halfsies on the rent. She doesn't live with him--and there is some suspicion of him abusing her though her cousin and I don't have any firm details. And when her daughter declined he huffed and puffed and said something about how he'll get his "special lady" to live with him.
Him:
Hello
You might know who I'm, after that time of getting many shocks by Susan's death on my hand.
If you want this ti be the last time I talk to you or I'm not welcome, it makes no difference as I got that way from all Susan's family.
I'm ****.
Me:
Not sure what to think of this text--and of course it JUST HAD TO BE YOU.
Him:
I just wanted to purify Susan's heart to you and make everything very clear, I know you both loved each other dearly.
They all ignored me and they did not even read your beautiful message you sent the day before the funeral, they abused me after the funeral, all of them
Do you want to know more, or I go away
Me:
and yet it has taken you TWO WHOLE MONTHS to reach out to me.
Him:
I was her faithful husband for 12 years and I was watching how they all tortured that beautiful angel
Well I was scared
Me:
When she went to the hospital that final time--when she entered hospice--Susan's son R called me and her cousin texted me to let me know Susan died.
Him:
I saw mr R. talking to you, how so gentle fake
Me:
Susan treated everyone far better than I would have under the circumstances
Him:
At the same time all stopped me STOPPED me from holding her hand, rubbing her hair, reciting any spiritual verses from what supports her soul going to God
Susan's mom stopped me from gentle reading Quran, then I moved to the porch silently scared still reciting quran in myself to help Susan
They turned on loud songs close to her bed
Me:
Everything was not as it should have been.
"I" suggested to R. playing music as it was something Susan loved
Him:
It is long misery broke Susan's heart as you probably knew
Yes her soul needed loud music (Note: I suspect he was going for sarcasm here)
That was why they turned loud songs to poor Susan who was dying (Note: she wasn't dead yet)
Me:
I am not sure what the purpose of this text is--is it to make ME feel better or make YOU feel better? She was a presence in my life for 21-22 years. I still wait for her daily texts that no longer come.
Him:
I said I'm purifying Susan from all the mess was hanging on her
Me:
Actually, no, you are trying to control the narrative.
Him:
As she wrote a year ago, a power attorney (I guess he means Power OF Attorney) to her brillian son, M. that she dies on Islam and her usband is her Eman (chaplain)
Me:
And YET she was embalmed and put on display like a doll.
Him:
I'm trying to control nothing, I'm so very proud of my wife
Me:
You have to make your peace with what happened. I do not need you to purify anything for Susan on my behalf.
We all failed her, and we all need to sit in discomfort of that knowledge
Him:
What are you talking about me trying to control, I did not control any, until I knew I must do her wish to die on Islam (the word that bothers everybody)
No sorry, I did not fail her till today or forever, I go every few days to read what goes to her soul.
In the funeral
her mom started crying loud talking about OOO my daughter was born Christian. But I felt I must do her wish not her mom's or any body
Me:
We ALL failed her
Him:
I'm just telling you that all those people failed Susan for so long time,
Me:
You failed her too, whether you want to believe it or not.
Him:
You knew when we were in Minnesota, how she was crying and crying and how that R. told her she never cared about her
Me:
I do not need to know all these details. you DO realize she and I talked about EVERYTHING
Him:
I was her husband and not going to discuss about me
Poor Susan ,
Me:
I don't need to know these details. It was bad enough to know how bad everyone treated her when she was alive.
Him:
Poor Susan, Bless her soul
Correct, how could you tell me I failed her ,
I really wish she never came back to America on 2009
Me:
Your wife was dying and you were angry with her for sleeping when you came home from work
Him:
Me angry
Me:
I am not going to argue.
Him:
Do you not know what husband means
Me:
I know what it means TO ME
Him:
Angry? Shame on the teller and the believer
Me:
So i've asked this twice and this will be the third time--what was the purpose of texting me two months after she died.
I owe you nothing. Your wife was as dear as a sister to me for nearly half my life.
Him:
I told you I was scared from what happened by all those people
They stopped a husband to relieve his wife in what she wanted to die with ISLAM
They turned loud music to a dying person ,where is her brain or heart to feel the music (Note: she was still alive)
Me:
I am nothing to you. You reaching out to me TWO MONTHS AFTER THE FACT because you have run out of people to dump your anger onto
Him:
Also no respect to me and I do know why and I do not really care,
I'm left alone in a funeral issues were chosen by her mom and grand daughter and then left me with the cost (NOTE: Emphasis mine)
Me:
And what--are you going to ask me to contribute?!?!?
Him:
And you knew she was a moslima
You knew her husband was taking off work for taking care of his wife (Note: Bullshit! See my comments above regarding who drove her 5 hours one way to the Mayo Clinic)
You knew I stayed with her any where she went ,anytime
Me:
She is dead now and with her God, and what exactly? you are trying to put the squeeze on me for money to pay for her funeral arrangements?
Him:
I told you I'm purifying Susan side out of all her family
I even asked them the funeral to read that wonderful message you sent to Susan's cousin
They did not
Me:
Keep telling yourself that. You're trying to control the narrative, controlling people's perceptions of you.
Him:
Control and control
Please
Yes it should be my control from the beginning
Me:
I am not soft hearted and accepting like Susan was. I have my own opinions on the matter. (Note: Subtext--I'm a bitch! :))
Him:
But she was a mom ,she was a daughter , and she was a friend
Me:
Anyway, go sell crazy someplace else--we are all stocked up here.
Him:
Well, I think I adored Susan and she got married to me
Good luck to you, and I did told you about what I felt to tell you,I do not care what you think or whatsoever, I'm just giving respect to Susan as her husband ( remember that )
Bye
You all played on Susan, who give you permission to tell anybody to turn loud songs to a married dead wife ,youdo not respect her choice,? God how those people deal with...please I'm not going to say sorry I talked to you, I will block your number, simply you are swimming with the same circle
Me (My final reply to him wherein I lowered the boom):
anyway--I am sure you texted me to see if I would contribute to Susan's final arrangements. I was a friend of SUSAN. I am nothing to you. Perhaps if you didn't lose jobs due to your anger issues you would be a better provider and wouldn't be shaking down strangers via texts for money. Perhaps you should get your "special lady" who you were trying to live with to chip in on the funeral expenses.*
*The same day Susan died, he asked her youngest daughter (his step daughter) if she would go halfsies on the rent. She doesn't live with him--and there is some suspicion of him abusing her though her cousin and I don't have any firm details. And when her daughter declined he huffed and puffed and said something about how he'll get his "special lady" to live with him.
I will never know if Susan knew he was cheating on her with another woman; and I'd say that knowledge was more than enough for me to be angry on her behalf. Part of me hopes she never knew. And another part of me is sad all over again that my dear friend is gone.
