56

Current # of days (in this round of going NC) w/my NM: 56 days.

Some of this might be redundant, as I think I’ve shared elements in other threads, but wanted to share what’s going on.

The last time I spoke with mom, she hung up on me 4x in a 12 minute chat (at first I thought she was just “fat fingering” her cell phone, but by the 4th hang up, I gave up calling her back).

In the interim, my busybody aunt let my NM know that my sister and I have been speaking for the last 2 years. (Though this now is a matter of debate.) This was none of my aunt’s business, nor my NM’s, and the entire reason my sister and I stopped speaking was because of NM’s constant interference. Within a day of NM finding this info out, she left a deceptively cheerful VM on my answering machine (of which I haven’t responded to it), too cheerful, but not letting on that she knew sis & I are speaking--but let’s face it, we know she KNOWS.

It’s been about a month since her VM and all she’s gotten from me is silence. And since she hasn’t gotten what she wants from me (attention, when she wants it), she’s decided to weaponize my birthday. Despite the fact my birthday is on the 19th, she sent me a hand written note conveying bday wishes, which I received on the 8th. This, too, has gone without response on my end, as it’s all a ploy for interaction--and then on my actual birthday, which is the 19th, there will be more of the same attempts at forced interaction--her making my day all about her.

Additionally, the envelope was addressed so convoluted, I’m honestly surprised the USPS delivered it:

MRS. (I’m a Ms.) Maven My-Maiden Name (WTF?)
1234 Name of my town
Name of my street
NY, NY (<<< Not my town) my-zip

Additionally, curiously, the entirety of the note was written in past tense.

Last year, there were 2 calls on the 18th, one of bday wishes, and the next immediately following, an apology that she called on the wrong day. Then there were THREE calls on the 19th. And another call on the 22nd, inquiring if I got the card she sent.

Of course, this is just making me anxious. To me, this is worse than death. Or it IS like a death, but where your tormentor in life decides to haunt your ass after they die.

I’d just rather wait things out until she dies, but damn it, modern medicine will see to it she outlives us all, Shady Pines or no Shady Pines. But the anxiety and uncertainty is getting to me. I’m actually considering calling her on the 17th, just to get it over with.
I chose the 17th because my sister and I are getting together for a bday lunch on the 18th; and the 19th I have appointments in NYC and want my day unfettered.

If/when I DO call, I’ll act as if I haven’t heard from her, that I’m having problems with my voicemail (just like how she refuses to empty her voicemail box so others can leave messages), and will dummy up about receiving the letter and gaslight her. And if she attempts to mention the fact I’ve been speaking with my sister, I plan on informing her that the topic is off limits and if she chooses to push the topic, she’ll be starting a fight with me. (And of course, I’ll hang up on her.)

On a related note, I’m trying to work through my anger and resentment issues I have (in CBT). It’s hard. All my life I’ve repressed most of my feelings as a result of negative reinforcement. So for me to think or even FEEL my feelings is challenging (and stressful) for me.

I wish I were able to just “let go” of it all, or accept any of this, and be able to move on, and use the headspace for something more productive than being a storage unit for this psychological warfare.

Unfortunate By-Products

I spent nine long years with a therapist who didn't help me move forward, and move beyond my traumas. For the last seven months, I've been with a therapist who does CBT. And TBH, while I do HOPE that I can move past everything, I do worry.

One of the unfortunate by-products of my upbringing is that it truly has shut me down emotionally. Anything that is challenging, painful, or fearful, I just shut down. I lack coping mechanisms necessary to move me forward and past these obstacles. As a result, I take things entirely too personally, and I am pretty quick to just cut-and-run. And if I cannot physically run away, I will insulate and isolate myself from the situations and people that activate me. 

A half century of this has made me reluctant to speak up on my own behalf, and without fail, when I have verbally articulated how I felt, it always ends poorly, regardless of how diplomatic I am in addressing it.

A half century of not acknowledging and feeling my feelings. Metaphorically, I fold everything up to the 16th fold, compress it all tightly, and jam it into a part of my psyche that doesn't get accessed. 

On an upnote, I haven't felt fearful or truly sad in a long time. On the downside, I have a lot of unresolved anger and resentments that manifest in indirect ways (i.e. insomnia, anxiety attacks, hypertension, hypersensitivity).

A lot of my own coping mechanism or conflict resolution has been to just simply "play to my strengths" and overcompensate in other ways to just remain functional. This has worked, TO A POINT.

Anger (and misery) can be great catalysts for change, and has served me well--TO A POINT. I just continue to make the best decisions I can based on the time and information available at any given point in time. 

I have neither run out of time nor choices to make, so I think I'm doing okay "enough," however, there comes a point where I realize how much more work I need to do, and I don't have a clear enough plan, and I get overwhelmed and paralyzed, and you guessed it, I get even more angry at myself. 

Most people are familiar with WWJD? I'll casually ask myself WWMD? (What would mom do?) And then I do the direct opposite; however, this cut-and-run (and shunning and isolating) is something she does. And you guessed it: I get even more angry at myself (and I keep ruminating). 

Despite my conscious decision several months back, wherein I decided I wasn't going to over-concern myself with how my words and deeds impact others' feelings, when it's clear by their words and their deeds, they have zero regard for my feelings, I still find myself having (what I feel IS logical) attachment and expectation for a certain standard of interaction--for instance, courtesy and communication.  

Currently, I have been processing the casual cruelty and jealousy of someone who I have considered a friend for the past 17 years. The last two months have involved me soaking in a lukewarm pond of discomfort, and I am still processing emotions beyond shock and hurt, and have evolved onto externalizing feelings of betrayal, and internalized criticizing my own judgment--how could I have been so wrong?
 I am left wondering so many residual things, I do not know which end is up, and what reality IS in regards to this person:

1. Were my standards that low 17 years ago?
2. Did I evolve THAT much in 17 years with all the self help & therapy?
3. Was she always this jealous and carelessly cruel?  
4. Did she regress this much in 17 years or was she always just slogging along?
5. Was this actually, merely a "friendly workplace acquaintance" which I blew out of proportion?

Her patented statement is, "It's not that deep." Well, yes, that may be so, unless of course, you're like me, and you're a deep thinker, in which case IT IS ALL QUITE DEEP. 

There is this obvious philosophical divide, both of us at polar opposite ends of the spectrum. This in turn makes me come to the conclusion that if she's been saying this for years, she's been putting her point of view right out there in the open, that she is operating at a very shallow level. 

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time
--Maya Angelou

Granted, she's shown me repeatedly in the past 17 years who she is. I feel like I am fully aware now, and trust me, I now know what I am dealing with. I'm disgusted with her, and myself, but I am looking at this as an opportunity for growth, and I'm establishing boundaries. Eventually, I'll go into auto-pilot mode with my new boundaries and have a new routine that doesn't involve her and all will be great. Meanwhile, she hasn't acknowledged that anything has changed--I guess because I only exist when she wants me to exist. And that's okay (for her). I've got useful shit to do with my time. 

This has undermined who I thought I was in regards to her. In turn, it has made me realize what I am to her: a distraction to get through the day--some cheap and easy laughs to break up the monotony. Laughing at my painfully absurd (or is it, absurdly painful?) personal stories.

Whereas I have wanted to help her with the things I know I can help her with, and want good things for her that she doesn't want for herself--she is jealous of the good things in my life, and seems resentful that I'm not suffering the way she's suffering. 

All life is suffering--it's inescapable, but, I try to make good choices to minimize what suffering I can. And she, just like my mom, chooses to do nothing and resents me because I've been strong or resilient enough to just keep making choices.

I don't feel loved or supported. I don't feel important or interesting. Couple that up with the lack of courtesy or communication (also another Hallmark of mom--I only exist when she wants me to exist). It's so circuitous and familiar. 

I've shut down emotionally (towards her) and I'm making myself more and more unavailable to her.

Little did I realize these little things I do in my life dovetail nicely with the Buddhist dharma: If you can help, HELP; and if you can't help, then don't be cruel.

Now if only I would cease to be cruel to myself and finally be able to accept things. I doubt I'll ever get to the point of forgiving those who have wronged me, but I want to be able to just LET GO--and it isn't as simple as saying JUST LET GO. I have lived a half a century as a ruminator--this is my greatest challenge--to protect myself and be kind to myself.

I think upon this quotable by Mother Theresa as the ideal I'd like to attain.

“People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.