April 30, 2020: Three Days Later

Evening of April 30, 2020, I hadn’t received the next dreadful update, informing me mom died--especially since I was given a dreadful estimate of three days.

At 11 p.m. I called the nurses station at Shady Pines to inquire about mom’s status. I said I knew mom was receiving hospice care and was receiving morphine. I knew she had a DNR and a DNH, and no feeding tube, but asked if she was receiving fluids. The nurse told me she gets fluids when she eats. I was surprised, “I thought she was asleep for the past three days—are you telling me she was awake?” The nurse said mom was “alert” and they were trying to get her to eat when she woke up.

Alert? Awake? I avoided calling her thinking she was borked out of her mind on morphine. The person who told me this is an idiot. Just because her eyes opened when they said her name—that doesn’t mean she was awake and engaging in the world around her--and it certainly doesn't mean she's engaged enough with the world to take in sustenance and fluids.

I was told to try to call the nurses station the next day to have an aide go to mom’s room to get mom’s phone handy so I could call. If she was awake and afraid, I didn’t want her feeling alone and abandoned.

I called the next day and did as I was told. I waited a while before calling mom’s cell phone. And unlike all the times before where it would ring and then the voicemail would kick on and I couldn’t leave a voicemail because she refused to empty the voicemail box—this time the phone didn’t ring, and went directly to voicemail—her aides weren’t keeping the phone charged up for her. It makes me wonder what the hell the aides were doing at all for her--given there were only TWO. And when I spoke to mom on the 10th, she said she was eating, and given there were only two aides, she was given the choice of bed time--either 3 p.m. or 11 p.m. If she was lucky, it appears, she'd see an aide ONCE during their 8 hour shift.

Little did I know, several days before, my sister broke her year long silence and called mom. And mom picked back up right where they left off in March 2019 as if there wasn’t a year of silence in the interim. There was no discussion. There was no teary reconciliation. It was back to the routine as it had always been for mom--phone call after phone call. Mom called her every day several times a day, anxious and confused and afraid. 

My sister took every call until the day when the calls stopped—and mom stopped answering her phone.

April 27, 2020: The Beginning of the End

April 27, 2020 I received this text from my sister:

“Mom is going to receive hospice care and will be dead in three days.”

April 24, 2020: My Last Phone Call With Mom

Sometime on/about/after April 10th, mom was diagnosed with corona virus, only because the woman in the next room, and across the hall, as well as her roommate, all died from the virus.

During the conversation the week before, mom was fearful and felt like a sitting duck, and knew the virus was coming for her.

During the brief conversation on April 24th, obviously sick and struggling to breathe, she said she was starting to feel a little better. I now know she was saying this to make me feel better. By this time, her liver was shutting down and pneumonia had settled into one of her lungs.

When I’d speak to her, I’d end our calls with an I love you, even though I felt the words were hollow. It was easier than awkward silence. Perhaps I viewed it as a kindness. In hindsight I don’t regret this, whether I felt it or not, at least she believed the words, and I guess that is what mattered--that she FELT loved. 

I've been in the process of trying to figure out or understand LOVE. It has always been conditional in my life, especially with mom. And due to the abuse and her stubbornness, what I felt, if I had to sum it up in one word would be resentment, rather than love; however, for all the abuse I've endured, no one deserves corona virus--well maybe those assholes protesting to open the states up, or the ones who refuse to social distance or who refuse to wear a mask or wash their hands. 

But at least my last words to her were, "I love you."

April 8, 2020: Corona Virus Arrives At Shady Pines

April 8th and 9th I received voicemails from mom letting me know that the virus was in Shady Pines. The reality is, that it was there no doubt earlier.

Mom was very ill in February and was administered Tamiflu which made her liver start to shut down. But somehow she rallied. Shady Pines was quarantined the entire month of February. We both thought or hoped it wasn't the flu she had, but corona virus--hoping if so, it might have built up immunity or antibodies for it.

When I saw her in December for what turned out to be my annual visit, she was fighting off a bug then.

Voicemails in January she was still gravel voiced and sick, and by mid-March Shady Pines was quarantined, and they still are to this date.

My sister let me know by that point, people weren’t showing up for work at Shady Pines and there were only two aides to tend to 63 patients.

I called mom on April 10th, and let her know that I called the NJ Attorney General and the NJ Longterm Care Ombudsman and the NJ Department of Health lodging complaints about the staff not showing up. Department of Health said they were aware of the problems at Shady Pines and they were advised to use temp agencies; however there was no follow through or oversight to ensure that they in fact used temp agencies to fill the void.