26

26.

That's the total number of days I have gone without speaking with my mother. I called her on her birthday. The phone works both ways. And here we are.

26 Also happens to be the same number for my sister--of whom has gone NO CONTACT with mom--we're not sure how long she'll remain NO CONTACT; however, as she said to me, if she could go nearly three years of no contact with me, and in the end, I didn't do anything to hurt her (she's come to the realization that it was mom's doing), she could easily go the rest of her life without communicating with mom.

We'll see. 

So that's 26 days of no contact from 2 out of 3 of mom's kids. I have no knowledge of the regularity of my brother's contact with mom (as I'm also out of contact with him), but I feel pretty certain, he hasn't called. He doesn't give a shit. And while I wish I could get to that point of (is it indifference?), he is at the far end of the desired spectrum of where I would like to be, personally, in regards to our mother. He doesn't care at all; whereas, I would like to control, judiciously, how much caring I allow myself to do, because, in the end, even if I care (or do things), it'll never be enough.

Let No Good Deed Go Unpunished

File this one under: Having normal impulses for someone who is far from normal.

My sister went to the trouble of planning (and paying for) a birthday party for mom, aka Audrey (as in Audrey the blood-thirsty plant in Little Shop of Horrors with the unyielding appetite: FEED ME!). 

She cooked food, arranged for some items from Olive Garden to be served, invited people, set up the party room at Shady Pines, etc. All a thankless task in general.  On this day in particular, it was a harbinger of things to come. (Think of mom as the Titanic, and the epic thanklessness as a shitty iceberg, of mom's own creation, about to make contact with one another.)

Audrey's friend, B, who was in attendance despite her most-recent health crisis, and B was there with her daughter, C, who has her own challenges in life (MS, plus her husband left her over a year or so ago). B says something to the effect of what a great daughter C is, because she's done so many things for B in her time of need.

SETTING THE SCENE: THE LOOK OUT RINGS THREE BELLS AND ALERTS THE BRIDGE--ICEBERG DEAD AHEAD!!!

And with ZERO sense of self-awareness, and in keeping with her shitty (now dead) abusive father's habit to do this, WITH AN AUDIENCE, Audrey set out to insult and humiliate my sister.  

So mom blurts out with every ounce of snark within her power, "Oh, it must be so nice, to have a daughter who will DO THINGS FOR YOU!" 

B and mom's friend H are both deaf as stones, so it's no great wonder they didn't respond; however, there were other people there at the party, eating their fill of the free food my sister provided, and not one of those fuckers piped up. 

My brother-in-law, a self-admitted asshole, couldn't stand this for one more moment. After 28 years of marriage (and countless years before marriage) he opened his mouth: "Oh, you mean do things like PLAN THIS BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR YOU?"

Now mind you, my brother-in-law could effectively silence a room full of yapping adults by merely CLEARING HIS THROAT. To say my brother-in-law has presence, is an understatement. He can be formidable. 

And with that, rather than OWN her stupidity, yet another of her trademark carelessly cruel statements, she suddenly had to excuse herself to the restroom--and of course, this was quite the undertaking, given she's a mountain of a woman and nearly completely immobile. 

Sadly, in keeping with mom's character and consistency, no apology was forthcoming.

Several days later, my brother-in-law informed Audrey that until further notice she is forbidden to contact my sister. If Audrey requires anything, she is to contact my brother-in-law directly, as my sister will neither be calling nor visiting.

Of course, Audrey wanted to know why--what did she do to deserve this? And my brother-in-law informed her that Audrey has insulted my sister for the final time. Audrey was quick to try to minimize what happened by suggesting my sister takes everything the wrong way or is too sensitive or whatever, and my brother-in-law shut her down. He wasn't having any part of it, he wasn't taking mom's side, and drove home the point that she is FORBIDDEN to call her own daughter.

My sister informed me of this, I believe, this past Friday or Saturday. I drove home the point of, "Now, this is where the hard work kicks in. On the surface, it looks easy doing nothing at all. No calls. No good deeds. But the psychological hold mom has on us runs deep. You have to hold tight to the boundary that you (and your husband) put up with mom. Now you have to MAINTAIN that boundary. If you call now, it will undo all the work. DO NOTHING."

It's been five days, and all five days I have wondered and worried, and hoped she kept herself from calling mom.

A friend of mine recently introduced me to the notion of "trauma bonding," and equated our upbringing to that of a hostage situation, and our relationship with mom (and others in the family) is like that of Stockholm Syndrome, where we empathize with our oppressors. 

Now the truly difficult work starts for my sister.

One by one, my mother has ground out all the goodness and good intent and good will out of all of us. She whines about how alone and lonely she is, yet continues to lack even an iota of awareness that she and she alone is to blame for this. 

One time, my mother said to me how the staff at the nursing home thinks she has no family. I am 100% okay with never seeing her again. I'm okay with being a ghost, the relative whose name is invoked but you rarely (if ever see). I'm abandoning her, like she's abandoned and rejected me my entire life. 

Additionally, she has constructed several dynamics on both sides of the family where she interfered and damaged family relationships to the point where I have next to no one on either side of the family with whom to associate. She fails to realize, I am using her as my cautionary tale of what I do not want for myself. In spite of her best efforts, I have carved out a relationship with the older of dad's two sisters, and the youngest of my grandfather's sisters (and her son), and I have reconciled with my sister. I don't need to have relationships with EVERYONE with whom I share DNA. I appreciate what little bit of family I've managed to hold on to--and that's nothing in comparison to this enormous, loving, functional family I have with my in-laws. 

I am fortunate. I am not alone. I am happy. I have a full life. I have friends. I'm striving to even improve upon all that abundance.

It is a choice. And I don't feel bad because my mother chose poorly (or chose to do nothing at all--which, in and of itself IS STILL A CHOICE).

Fuck her.