Text sent Wednesday, 10:20 a.m.
Current day and time: Friday 9:53 a.m.
No reply or other acknowledgment received on my end.
The Great Silence's status quo continues to be maintained.
(I'm totally okay with this too. I sent the text for myself, as it's a normal impulse for a normal person to send on a milestone occasion, a 25th wedding anniversary. I did it for me to prove to myself I've still got my humanity and ability to be loving. The Great Silence has yet to quash that.)
Friday, April 22, 2016
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Having Normal Impulses Redux
As you might suspect (well, if you KNOW ME personally), I don't take things lightly. And while I can do and WAS doing a fine enough job talking myself out of the notion of texting my sister today, on the occasion of her 25th wedding anniversary, I discussed the situation with my therapist, and while he DID validate my point of view (especially on the mathematics involved in the lack of reciprocity), he managed to give me a bit of food for thought on me NOT stifling the urge to be loving/kind, and that if I were to text the sentiment to her, it could be construed as my asserting myself or even empowering.
I pondered it for about an hour after our session, and I figured WHAT THE FUCK, and jotted off the text at 10:20 a.m. Here it is, 4:42, and it has not been acknowledged (this was one of the possible resulting scenarios I had tossed around in my head).
Whatever. I did my part.
I pondered it for about an hour after our session, and I figured WHAT THE FUCK, and jotted off the text at 10:20 a.m. Here it is, 4:42, and it has not been acknowledged (this was one of the possible resulting scenarios I had tossed around in my head).
Whatever. I did my part.
Monday, April 18, 2016
Having Normal-ish Impulses Towards Outright Abnormal Family Members
Cliffnotes:
This coming Wednesday is my sister's wedding anniversary. We're still not talking (haven't spoken since roughly December 17, 2014). I'm still abiding her, "I don't think we should speak." Audrey claims she regrets things, yet, how much could she regret it? It was her own doing!
Anyway. Wednesday. I was debating with myself about zapping a text "Happy Anniversary" (and yes, sans exclamation points or emojis), pretty much dropping it like the proverbial turd in the punch bowl and see what happens.
Wednesday is also my next session with my therapist. So it could have been the day's topic.
But then again, why should I bother texting her at all? Even before The Great Silence, she never bothered to zap such texts TO ME, or to bother to learn my husband's birthday etc.
This has me analyzing my intentions regarding wanting to send the text. No good can come from this, to be honest. The silence is a big negative, but it's a neutral-ish, INACTIVE negative. It's a constant state; whereas texting could potentially open me up to even more ACTIVE suffering.
Wanting to be the "bigger person" involves a bit of pride, and a healthy dose of either hope or stupidity too--kind of like stepping on a hornet barefoot and thinking you can control the hornet, when there's obviously at least one more chance the hornet can hurt you.
This coming Wednesday is my sister's wedding anniversary. We're still not talking (haven't spoken since roughly December 17, 2014). I'm still abiding her, "I don't think we should speak." Audrey claims she regrets things, yet, how much could she regret it? It was her own doing!
Anyway. Wednesday. I was debating with myself about zapping a text "Happy Anniversary" (and yes, sans exclamation points or emojis), pretty much dropping it like the proverbial turd in the punch bowl and see what happens.
Wednesday is also my next session with my therapist. So it could have been the day's topic.
But then again, why should I bother texting her at all? Even before The Great Silence, she never bothered to zap such texts TO ME, or to bother to learn my husband's birthday etc.
This has me analyzing my intentions regarding wanting to send the text. No good can come from this, to be honest. The silence is a big negative, but it's a neutral-ish, INACTIVE negative. It's a constant state; whereas texting could potentially open me up to even more ACTIVE suffering.
Wanting to be the "bigger person" involves a bit of pride, and a healthy dose of either hope or stupidity too--kind of like stepping on a hornet barefoot and thinking you can control the hornet, when there's obviously at least one more chance the hornet can hurt you.
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