"Some."
I'm not proud of it, but when push came to shove this weekend, I unleashed quite a bit of rage and deposited all in my mother's lap. My mother who is totally incapable of handling outbursts like this, and unable to change a god damned thing about it. She's damaged. And I'm not cruel about it, I don't point it out to her, her own damaged-ness. However, she started in on how upset she is that all three of her kids don't talk to one another, and well, to be succinct, I worked myself into a frothy rage.
For starters, I told her the bit about how all three of us kids aren't talking is INCORRECT. In fact, my brother and I communicate regularly. And I stand a greater chance at seeing HIM than my sister. Why? Because it's important to him.
I resent the fact that NO ONE comes to see me, even if they happen to be passing through my neck of the woods, yet the entire ONUS is on ME to put forth the effort for face time.
I resent the fact that my aunt, who lives the closest to me, who for five years drove her daughter from NJ to NH, passing through my area on the way to/fro, could not be bothered to make so much as a pit stop to pee, have a cup of coffee and continue on home. Yet, there she is, inserting herself into OUR time, this was meant to be part of my holiday gift to my mother, time together, time we don't normally have for one another, and there's my aunt... and to top things off SHE WAS SICK WITH THE SNIFFLES. This woman can see me any damned time she decides she's willing to put forth the effort to see me. Yet doesn't. And there she was, our third wheel.
I resent the fact that every single person in the family thinks they, and they alone, hold the exclusive right to be disappointed or disgusted in every one else. News flash. We all are hurting. We're all imperfect. No one's life is any more important than anyone else's. Yet, no one talks to one another about whatever it is. I don't come down as often as people would like, in part, because of the passive aggression that no one likes one another and everyone is talking poorly about everyone else.
I resent the fact that my sister expects me to be more present for my niece, yet, my sister doesn't expend one bit of energy on her end. Shames me or resents me because I am not there. Well, I am physically unwell. I am UNABLE "be here." I am unable to be who everyone expects me to be. I don't care that taking care of myself makes me a horrible person.
I work. When I am not working, I am going to an assortment of doctor's visits, and taking time to take care of my husband. My husband, who provides a good life for me. My husband who works hard to provide that life. My husband who is entitled to enjoy his downtime with his wife. So whatever energy I have, I devote to my husband, because he is the only person on the planet earth that I can depend upon 100%. No one else HERE can I say the same. So, whatever time and energy I have after, then perhaps I'll use that time to come down. But trust me, there's not enough time.
This has been a challenging year for me, health wise, and my sister knew this, yet not at any given point of time did she ever call or text or email me to find out if the thyroid thing turned out to be cancerous, or what was the deal with the spot on the lung? No. But she sent me an invitation to my niece's "graduation party" (graduating from elementary to junior high). Also on a Sunday. And no, not even asking me about the thyroid cancer thing even as an afterthought.
When you do not see me or hear from me regularly, it is not me being passive aggressive. It is not me being mean. It is me acknowledging I have limits to what parts of myself, and how much of my energy I can give others. This is not done with malice or anger. This is done out of self-preservation. Also? The boundaries I put up are not just for family, either.
The turning point for me was when dad was in the hospital dying, and I stayed with him in the hospital room for two nights in a row. And exhausted, I got into a car accident so bad my car had to be towed away. And there I was, 120 miles from home, the only car for my household is now UNDRIVABLE, and not one fucking person that I am related to answered their phone to render aid to me. My husband took a cab to the airport, got a rental car and drove 120 miles to come collect me.
This was the turning point for me, the knowledge or awareness that no matter how much energy or time or effort I give you people, it's never going to be enough to make everyone happy. I cannot make everyone happy. I cannot fix this situation. And I refuse to put myself into a situation where I might feel like it's not safe or the best thing for me to make that horrible drive as regularly as everyone would like. Again, this is not done out of malice.
Me: I cannot be who you want or need me to be.
Mom: I just need you to be my daughter.
Me: I hope that's enough, because that's all I have to give.
Furiously I inventoried the ways my sister has excluded me, yet thinks she holds the exclusive right to be disappointed or angry about the situation. Pretty much the majority of this was screamed at the top of my lungs:
1. I am my niece's God mother. Yet, when the time came for my niece's first communion, I was not notified in advance of it, so I might be there. Yet, I was told about it after the fact.
2. My sister drives through my area for business, yet does not stop for coffee.
3. I'm tired of the passive aggressive cards she sends. My birthday card was signed by my niece "Love, The BLAHBLAHS (surname redacted); or this XMas photo card of my niece posing in front of the Time Life Building, a scant half hour from my home.
3a. My sister regularly goes to NYC for fun stuff w/my niece, yet never gives me a heads up so that perhaps I could meet her for lunch or tea or face time. I am not a priority to her.
4. Parties are always held on Sundays, not on Saturdays. If parties are on Saturdays I can come for the party, sleep over, head home DURING DAYLIGHT and hopefully not in pain. But no, for whatever reason parties are held on Sundays. Again, I'm not a priority.
5. My sister no longer replies to texts, emails, or telephone calls, so I no longer try to insert myself in a place where I'm obviously not wanted.
5a. This also extends to my niece who is going to be 12 next month. Who has an email acct of her own, who also, does not reply to my emails. So again, why should I bother? Yet, I am the horrible person.
Bottom line is, I have a job, a husband, a household, and I've also got HEALTH ISSUES which are making it a challenge for me to find the time to DO ANYTHING at all, much less come to Jersey. And whatever time or energy I have, it's going to be devoted to my husband. He is my life. He is my family. Why is it okay for my sister to focus on her job, husband, child, and her JOY, yet I am expected to give what little time I have, to the potential for me to possibly get killed in a car accident? Will that make people happy? I refuse to put myself in that situation.
So about that frothy rage? Yeah. I worked myself up into such a state, I had a full on anxiety attack, which only abated after drinking booze.
Lesson learned this trip:
1. Perhaps I should call my mother more regularly.
2. Next time I visit her, I need to pack more booze.
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