So, there's drama brewing in my family. I detest these
motherfluckers.
I'm just going to get the trip out of the way, and I'll be good
until Spring. Thought it was just going to be me and my mother having a nice
visit. Instead, she has to effing ambush me, as I've found out my aunt is ALSO
going to be there Saturday, and ALSO will be sleeping over. And no doubt my
sister will do one of her characteristic "Drive By" things where she
dumps my niece off, spending the day (and IDK, perhaps SPEND THE NIGHT TOO?), as
if I do not have plans for my time while down there.
You see, when I visit my
mother, my time is never my own if my sister is involved. I had plans on making
something special to bring for lunch, then mom told me about what she did and
who's coming, and I said, "Well, I was planning on bringing something nice
for YOU AND I to eat; you can feed everyone now, I guess."
I *was* planning on having a friend (who lives roughly 4 traffic lights away from my mom) over for breakfast on Sunday before I left to head
home, and now, I don't want to do that and subject him to my fucked up family, and by extension, give them fodder to gossip about. So I'll meet him for breakfast before heading back home.
On top of all this, this little "party before the
party" is a huge pain in my ass as well, because my mother obviously is
excluding my brother and his wife, which then puts me in the position to appear
as if I had any part of this. I was not included in the plan at all. Also? My
mother and sister must think that I do not speak to my brother regularly.
I. DO. IN FACT. TALK TO HIM REGULARLY (and yes, this is in spite of the fact I detest his wife. I can detest her privately, and still have a relationship with my brother).
I let him know I'm coming down on Saturday because the
day works out better for me personally, and to avoid the drama of the party on
Sunday. I didn't want him to find out after the fact and have his feelings
hurt.
Bottom line is, I have more of a chance of scheduling time with my brother and ACTUALLY
SEEING HIM, even if it's at a halfway point between his house and my house,
than I'll ever stand a chance of seeing my sister. Simply put, she doesn't want
to put forth any effort to see me, she HAS IN FACT driven through my area for
work (never stopping for so much as a cup of coffee) and most recently, she was
in NYC about 10 days ago, and I found out about this by the photo xmas card she
sent me, where my niece is posing in front of the Time Life Building, about 35
minutes from my home--and yet cannot be bothered to say, "Hey, if you can
come, even for a pop in visit, cup of tea, for face time...we'll be here on
such and such a date." No. None of that. So whatever effort that will be
put forth to have a relationship with my niece? Yeah. I AM THE ONE WHO HAS TO MAKE
THAT HAPPEN.
Also, I know my sister talks smack about me relentlessly
to my mother and perhaps even in front of my niece (who will be 12 next month). She's old enough to make calls or emails herself, yet doesn't. I've tried to
email her, and my emails go unacknowledged.
This all brings me to... I don't think the Wellbutrin is
helping me in the way I hoped. I still OBVIOUSLY suffer serious anxiety issues,
and it's just not cutting it. And I don't want to up the dose and run the risk
of a seizure. I'm afraid to have a cocktail now as I don't know how my body
will react to it. And I'm going to start 2014 with the hope that I can get to
my "medical to do list" without anything else interfering with it:
*Colonoscopy (trust me, not my choice!); *Go to
psychiatrist for a consult re: my hormone imbalance and find out if there's
something else I can be on for my anxiety & depression; *Follow up w/my
neurologist to see if he can help manage my other pain issues (i.e. my
adenomyosis/endometriosis, and herniation pain) in addition to my migraines
(which he is already treating me for);
* Follow up sleep study
So, I work, and have a limited amount of days off to take
for these appointments, and I don't really know how I'm supposed to magically
be able to fit in I DO NOT KNOW HOW MANY TRIPS TO JERSEY, given the time, and
my own PHYSICAL LIMITATIONS.
So my weekend is shot. A weekend I could be using to
paint my living room before the entertainment center gets delivered and
installed. But no, I’m going to see these assholes to shut them up. I told my chiropractor last night (when we
were talking about holiday plans), "Yes. This weekend will be the trifecta
of suck. Horrible traffic to south central Jersey, Rainy foggy weather on
Sunday's return, and dealing with a bunch of passive aggressive relatives who
talk smack about me behind my back."
Also? I regret the day my sister asked me to be my niece's god mother. Had I known in advance that I'd be dealing with the amount of
health issues as I am NOW, I'd never have agreed to it. I with she'd just get
angry, say what she has to say, and out of spite, make someone ELSE my niece's god mother.
The baseline of passive-aggression is bad enough, then to add to it, she changed her will and made my aunt my niece's guardian, if
something were to happen to my sister and my brother in law. And no, I did not
find that out from my sister. My mother, in a Vicodin haze let that one slip
out.
I hate every last one of these people, and I'm angry with
my father now that he's been gone. Horrible.
Why go? So that I can say to myself, confidently, at least "I" made an effort, and also? It's the lesser of the evils.
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