So my sister went on the offensive, and zapped me the following (#1) email. Please read and see my relationship with her dissolve before your very eyes. I did not change formatting, and the only thing I did was redact names and email addresses for privacy concerns.
1.
From: Sis
Sent: Wednesday, December 17, 2014 2:11 PM
To: Me
Subject:
Not really quite sure what was going on on Sunday, but instead of talking to mom and aunt you could have taken me aside or tried to talk to me. I could not have been more uncomfortable with what I had assumed was all of you talking about me prior to coming in the room and then continuing to talk about me when I went into the living room. You and Mom barely said anything took your selfies while I stood in the kitchen getting stuff for the table. So how did you want me to react? This is not a letter telling you off, this is just me saying to you what I felt I could not say there. You called me twice at work while I was in a meeting, I figured it was to see how brother made out with surgery, I could not take the call. I get tired of being the one relaying to everyone how everyone is doing. I figured you would call him directly. It is difficult to try and gauge what type of relationship you are looking for with me. You want to pick up after long periods of time and talking like no time has passed. You have told me when I use to call your house how all I do is talk about myself and when you talk about yourself I have to get off the phone. I don’t feel like that is the case, I talk about my husband, daughter, our brother, and some of the rest of the family during this call. Do I resent you maybe a little, I am always the one getting the shit end of the stick in this family. You don’t get the middle of the night calls, or anything. I am at the point of giving everything back to Mom and you and our brother can figure out how to get everything done that she needs done. Almost 8 years of taking garbage in and out, paying bills** doing laundry food shopping whatever is needed at a moments notice. Do you think it is easy working fulltime raising my daughter dealing with my own family’s issues and then having to deal with all of Moms Stuff? You come down once maybe 3 times a year , I know it’s a ride and I don’t come to see you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you are care about you. I have no freakin time.
Just to let you know I called mom the next day and was told basically how horrible I am. Its great how she can talk about you when your not here but when you come down I am thrown right in the garbage pile as usual. I was told how I didn’t say hi, (but apparently walked in on you guys talking about me) how rude I was, and how you called me multiple times to have my daughter stay at the hotel with you, I Never received any call Sat from you, she then went on to tell me about your conversation and informed me that she doesn’t like that we hate each other. I don’t hate you, nor have I ever said that I hate you. All the Tuesday night* crap that I am not included in and all that other stuff I just don’t have time for it.
I do not want our relationship ruined by Mom. If you want to at some time talk/get together*** I am open to that. I just really feel like I need to take a break from all this, I would ask that you keep this between you and me**** and not involve mom in this or repeat the contents of the email to her.
*Tues. Night is a code word, family equivalent, to "it's in the vault." Also please note the sentence involving how she's not telling me off. This and subsequent replies were nothing short of telling me off. I don't care about her point of view. For YEARS that's all I've heard, and I've kept my mouth shut about mine. HER POV is not the ONLY one of value here. But what-evs.
**When dad was dying, he asked my brother-in-law to look after mom's finances, and to date, he has done so as a death bed promise to my dad, so I am not sure how or why this detail is included in her litany.
***This is hilarious. What she is suggesting would require that she actually answer or return a phone call.
****Typical tactic by a sociopath: carefully control and curate her narrative, so as to ensure she is always painted in as sympathetic light as possible. Sure. I tried not to speak to mom about what happened; however, my sister has shared her own spin on the story. Fuck her. This is so obvious in it being 100% manipulation.
2.
From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, December 17, 2014 2:13 PM
To: Sis
Subject: RE:
I’m not even going to engage in this.
I had a nice time at the party until I was told how horrible “I” am.
Since nothing “I” do is right, I’m removing myself from the equation.
3.
From: Sis
Sent: Wednesday, December 17, 2014 2:13 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE:
Ok fine, I figured I would try. Have a nice life.
4.
From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, December 17, 2014 2:16 PM
To: Sis
Subject: RE:
One final thing. You should check your math. While I may only come down every four months, multiply that out over 13 years, it still comes out to more visits from me than from you in the reverse.
5.
From: Sis
Sent: Wednesday, December 17, 2014 2:22 PM
To: Me
Subject: RE:
Maybe you should read your prior email? So much for not engaging in this. What I sent to you was to try and move on from this but if all you are going to do is act like this and not try, then all I can say is I tried, after all I am sure all your information is coming from Mom just like mine is, ever wonder what she has said you said about me? Oh right that’s Tuesday night stuff..just like when we were kids. If I am excluded from your life than do not contact MY daughter either, I am not going to have you half ass a relationship with her either
*Note: "Tuesday Night" is not something that was around while we were kids. This is something our aunt has employed amongst friends and is a relative new "thing" in my family. So again, weird thing she's recalling from childhood which was not the case.6.
From: Me
Sent: Wednesday, December 17, 2014 2:30 PM
To: Sis
Subject: Re:
No. I read it. I’m clarifying that I come down more than “every 7 months.” I don’t care. I am giving what I can of myself, and that’s obviously insufficient for your needs. I live 125 miles away. Also? You act as if you’re the only person who is entitled to feel disappointed or disgusted or let down.
Things have always been hostile with you. I try. I come down when I can and when I am able.
But there have been two crucial (ETA: Error noted, I noticed after I hit send that there were FIVE POINTS) points for me which have nothing to do with this weekend:
- You had offered (I did not, nor would have I ever asked for it) to help me for a day or two after my bypass—my surgery came and went and it was quite literally weeks before I heard back from you;
- When dad was dying and I had that car accident so bad requiring my vehicle be towed away, not one single person I called would answer their phone and render any aid. There I was, stranded 125 miles from home and no one would help me—luckily it was not a life-or-death type of accident--Bottom line is, I am not going to kill myself to be there more. The visits go by pretty much unappreciated;
- You want me to participate more in your daughter's life, yet, you excluded me from her First Communion came and went and was only mentioned casually, after the fact;
- You want me in your life or your daughter's life, yet neither one of you return calls or texts or emails;
- You want me in your life, yet, you have excluded me countless times with your trips to NYC for shows, of which I would not know about, had it not been for your holiday photo cards depicting you in front of the Time Life Building a scant 35 minutes from my house.
To be honest, the parties are not enjoyable for me. I don’t like large crowds, and with all the cross talk and chaos, it’s not enjoyable for me. So even in the course of “being there” it’s not enough.
You might not be aware of it, or perhaps you don’t care, and that’s fine, but you’re incredibly hostile towards me. I know you don’t self-censor in front of your daughter, so I’m sure she’s gotten quite an earful about what a disappointment I am. And that’s okay. I suck. I’m okay with my limitations. I’m tired of you projecting all your garbage onto me.
Furthermore, to clarify, the calls came through on Monday. Two. Plus one email. And no, the calls were not about our brother, because he communicates directly with me. And if he doesn’t, at a minimum his wife is capable of replying to a text without any hostility what-so-ever.
*Note: My sister and our sister-in-law are mortal enemies; here I am, painting a picture that her enemy is even capable of basic courtesy.I cannot be who you want, need, expect, demand me to be. And guess what? As I get older, the less I’ll be able to do.
So. Who should be frustrated or disappointed about two visits (plus that one random Easter when we all met in Edison) over the last 13 years?
Every holiday there’s some kind of issue. Some kind of chaos. I was minding my own business and somehow I’m on the shit list. I’m tired of being your scapegoat for whatever is bugging you. The holidays are hard enough to power through without inventing drama.
End Note: While I would not say I was "talking about her,"I merely remarked to my mother about how rude she was, (on top of the lack of telephone calls), as she walked in, acknowledged everyone except me. And then later, I commented to my aunt about how as a direct result of my sister not returning calls, my niece missed an opportunity to spend time with me. That is not "talking about," or talking smack.
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