Coming Soon! Family Holiday Fuckfest, 2014

Subtitle: Let no good deed go unpunished.

My mom's family's holiday party is this weekend. So, I've been working out the logistics of that: finishing up MY sweater I hope to wear, gathering what few gift items I will be giving, planning out when to buy the supplies for the stuffed squid I plan on providing as my foodstuff-contribution, figuring out when I am going to be able to shoe horn time at the mechanic for an oil change/fluid top off/tire inspection. And last but not least, schedule a reservation at a hotel, so I don't have to make that horrible drive down a touch-and-go in one day. 125 miles one way (2.5 hours on a GOOD day) + bifocals + driving alone + returning home at night + thanklessness = Regret and reluctance.

My fleeting initial thought was, I would invite my (almost 13 year old) niece for a girl's night out, sleep over, since I rarely see her. And if the hotel had an indoor pool, all the better. I had been waffling about inviting my niece, as I like to have ME time, and it's a long drive to get there (hence the hotel room), etc.  Anyway. I can stop worrying about inviting her. My sister's inaction pretty much has decided for me.

It's very upsetting for me, because I feel the seething resentment, percolating beneath the surface, beneath the veneer of "cordial enough" from my sister, because (yes, there I go again,  beating this dead horse) of the fact I live so far away and am NOT THERE. Never meeting me halfway (even if she's a scant 30 minutes from my house when she goes to NYC), never returning my calls or texts or emails... only on her terms, when she feels like it.

To illustrate/recap part of the passive-aggressive loop of behavior, I'm my niece's godmother, and apparently that means nothing. Because the one thing beyond the baptism that I KNOW a godmother should be present for, the First Communion, I was excluded from that--and only know it took place, informed in a very non-chalant, matter-of-fact way. It's been a few years, and it still irks me. Don't include me? Fine. Don't get assy if I opt out of things, then!

Last December when I visited (and pretty much exploded with rage at my mother about everything--GEE THANKS WELLBUTRIN FOR THAT!), I found out that my sister has changed her will and changed who gets guardianship of my niece should anything befall my sister and her husband. And I am no longer going to be her guardian. Could you imagine how devastating it would be for me to not only grieve for my sister (if/when she dies) but also be sucker punched at the same time, and find out about this? How is this not passive aggressive?

Last year I said to my mom (among other things): how I found it utterly hilarious how everyone resents the fact I'm never around, and everyone acts like they, and they alone, are entitled to feel disappointed or hurt or whatever about it. I'm supposed to just accept everyone's limitations or inability or unwillingness to meet me halfway, and fuck me and my limits. My focus is on my life with the Maharajah. The singular person I can count on in this life is my husband. He's there. He steps up. He doesn't give me STUFF, he gives of HIMSELF. I have a finite amount of energy. I work. I have a husband and a household and a life of my own over a hundred and twenty-five miles away. So whatever energy I have after working all day and taking care of the household shit? Yeah. My energy goes towards HIM and the life we have. Everyone else is living their lives how they see fit, and I am doing the same, yet I am vilified.

Oh, last December, I worked myself up into such a tizzy. My mother actually teared up watching it. I think she was scared and upset seeing me that upset. Again, I go from a pretty mild baseline to HOLY SHIT EMOTIONAL EXPLOSION, and seems like it comes out of no where, when really, I'm such a slow boil that when I finally do build up enough pressure--I pretty much blow a gasket. (And no, I'm not going to sleep over my mom's house--familiarity breeds contempt. I find it too stressful for me, and to be fair, my mother is in fragile health and doesn't need a repeat performance of last December's rage.)

I am not going to be like a puppy nipping at her toes to call me. I tried. Thrice. And I'm not about to text my niece--because she, too, does not reply to my texts. I'm hurt and angry, and angry with myself too. Angry that I even dare to care anymore. Next month, the niece will turn 13. She's old enough to have a relationship with me if she wants, and obviously--she does not want. I am not about to force myself onto people who clearly don't want to spend time with me.

So. I am reverting back to my original plan. Hotel. Me. Downtime. Saturday I will probably head out early first Saturday a.m., to get the car maintenance done. Then head to my great-aunt's house to bestow some of the prototype batch of stuffed squid, to see if it passes the muster. I am sure she will enjoy the visit--and there's a built in limit to the visit, as she will go to mass Saturday evening. Works for me.  Then I'll head to the shore, perhaps I'll find a way to fit in a visit with my high school bio teacher--provided he returns a call. Otherwise, I'll head further south, check in at the hotel, get a manicure and pedicure and/or go to see a movie of my choosing. Maybe take a hot bubble bath at the hotel--then have breakfast with my friend on Sunday a.m., then head to the holiday fuckfest, and head home, promptly at 5 or 6, if I am lucky.