Last May, (what I thought was) my friendship with someone with whom I had cultivated a friendship for 17 years went tits up. It took me THAT long to wake up and realize I had inadvertently gravitated to someone with the same hurtful, carelessly cruel characteristics my mom had.
Last August saw three more losses: my dear friend Dennis died, and my favorite "Bossman" went out on disability, and my great aunt (with whom I had become cozy after my grandfather died in 2012), passed away.
Between the now-former friend's cruelty, Dennis' death, and Bossman's departure, I've been reeling those losses, as they all (well, two of them at least) were part of my support system at work, and my great aunt was a dear comfort to me, personally.
Then my dear friend Susan got diagnosed with a particularly challenging form of melanoma--acral lentiginous melanoma, which doesn't have necessarily a "good outcome," however, she is still in the land of the living ten months later. Every day I worry for her.
Then September, my therapist of nine months took a new job elsewhere, leaving me a bit in a lurch, as I was making progress. And this derailed my personal care. Here it is ten months later, and I'm still without a therapist, navigating things on my own until open enrollment starts in November and I can sign up for new insurance for 2021.
Then mom passed away last month.
Soon, my friend Taryn will be relocating to another state, and that's one fewer person in my immediate circle of friendship and support.
Experiencing what I did at mom's burial this weekend has left me more than a bit raw.
Part of my CBT training is to try to feel my feelings and be aware of my thoughts. But I think to be upset right about now is an acceptable thing. Yet, I remind myself of my good fortune to have friends near and far, near and dear, and the idea that I am alone or unloved is a thought I need to put aside, as that's just irrational emotions bubbling up from within. I'll let the tears come and go, and let them fall where they may.
Also, the state of the world we are now IN, both, with the pandemic AND from a political standpoint has further fractured things where family as well as friends I thought I had are at a polar opposite standpoint than where I am currently. There is no middle ground.
There is no having a free exchange of ideas when each side thinks they know everything, or they believe everything they hear or read rather than employ critical thinking.
The world is a sadder, more dangerous place than it was a year ago.
Last August saw three more losses: my dear friend Dennis died, and my favorite "Bossman" went out on disability, and my great aunt (with whom I had become cozy after my grandfather died in 2012), passed away.
Between the now-former friend's cruelty, Dennis' death, and Bossman's departure, I've been reeling those losses, as they all (well, two of them at least) were part of my support system at work, and my great aunt was a dear comfort to me, personally.
Then my dear friend Susan got diagnosed with a particularly challenging form of melanoma--acral lentiginous melanoma, which doesn't have necessarily a "good outcome," however, she is still in the land of the living ten months later. Every day I worry for her.
Then September, my therapist of nine months took a new job elsewhere, leaving me a bit in a lurch, as I was making progress. And this derailed my personal care. Here it is ten months later, and I'm still without a therapist, navigating things on my own until open enrollment starts in November and I can sign up for new insurance for 2021.
Then mom passed away last month.
Soon, my friend Taryn will be relocating to another state, and that's one fewer person in my immediate circle of friendship and support.
Experiencing what I did at mom's burial this weekend has left me more than a bit raw.
Part of my CBT training is to try to feel my feelings and be aware of my thoughts. But I think to be upset right about now is an acceptable thing. Yet, I remind myself of my good fortune to have friends near and far, near and dear, and the idea that I am alone or unloved is a thought I need to put aside, as that's just irrational emotions bubbling up from within. I'll let the tears come and go, and let them fall where they may.
Also, the state of the world we are now IN, both, with the pandemic AND from a political standpoint has further fractured things where family as well as friends I thought I had are at a polar opposite standpoint than where I am currently. There is no middle ground.
There is no having a free exchange of ideas when each side thinks they know everything, or they believe everything they hear or read rather than employ critical thinking.
The world is a sadder, more dangerous place than it was a year ago.
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