April 24, 2020: My Last Phone Call With Mom

Sometime on/about/after April 10th, mom was diagnosed with corona virus, only because the woman in the next room, and across the hall, as well as her roommate, all died from the virus.

During the conversation the week before, mom was fearful and felt like a sitting duck, and knew the virus was coming for her.

During the brief conversation on April 24th, obviously sick and struggling to breathe, she said she was starting to feel a little better. I now know she was saying this to make me feel better. By this time, her liver was shutting down and pneumonia had settled into one of her lungs.

When I’d speak to her, I’d end our calls with an I love you, even though I felt the words were hollow. It was easier than awkward silence. Perhaps I viewed it as a kindness. In hindsight I don’t regret this, whether I felt it or not, at least she believed the words, and I guess that is what mattered--that she FELT loved. 

I've been in the process of trying to figure out or understand LOVE. It has always been conditional in my life, especially with mom. And due to the abuse and her stubbornness, what I felt, if I had to sum it up in one word would be resentment, rather than love; however, for all the abuse I've endured, no one deserves corona virus--well maybe those assholes protesting to open the states up, or the ones who refuse to social distance or who refuse to wear a mask or wash their hands. 

But at least my last words to her were, "I love you."

April 8, 2020: Corona Virus Arrives At Shady Pines

April 8th and 9th I received voicemails from mom letting me know that the virus was in Shady Pines. The reality is, that it was there no doubt earlier.

Mom was very ill in February and was administered Tamiflu which made her liver start to shut down. But somehow she rallied. Shady Pines was quarantined the entire month of February. We both thought or hoped it wasn't the flu she had, but corona virus--hoping if so, it might have built up immunity or antibodies for it.

When I saw her in December for what turned out to be my annual visit, she was fighting off a bug then.

Voicemails in January she was still gravel voiced and sick, and by mid-March Shady Pines was quarantined, and they still are to this date.

My sister let me know by that point, people weren’t showing up for work at Shady Pines and there were only two aides to tend to 63 patients.

I called mom on April 10th, and let her know that I called the NJ Attorney General and the NJ Longterm Care Ombudsman and the NJ Department of Health lodging complaints about the staff not showing up. Department of Health said they were aware of the problems at Shady Pines and they were advised to use temp agencies; however there was no follow through or oversight to ensure that they in fact used temp agencies to fill the void.

December 21, 2019 My Final Visit

As my visits always are, I did a surprise visit to see mom, as I was visiting my sister that same weekend. 

And as was often the case, when either I'd call or show up, mom would say she was just thinking of me. In this case, as I walked in, she was getting off the phone leaving a voicemail for me.

The visit was pleasant enough, and I stayed longer than anticipated. 

I brought a bag of different teas, some cookies, and a tub of coconut body butter for her, thinking it'd all perk her up.

The downside to her usual countenance always was that it was hard to tell if she was enjoying herself or not, as she always looked sad or had a look of silent resignation on her face.

She admitted she was fighting off some bug, but wasn't evident to me.

As always, I was guarded with what I said to her, nothing about anyone we're related to, and I was always mindful not to be too happy with sharing details of the Maharajah, or our travels, or his family, because anything could be used against me behind my back to others.

That being said, it wasn't an unpleasant visit. 

22

22 Days since the last time I called mom. And of course the last time I called, it played out exactly as my half-assed flow chart:

I call, and she rushes me off the phone, then calls me back thinking I have all the time in the world for this nonsense. 

Problems arise of course when she catches me off guard, and I have to make an excuse not to be available for a time when it is more convenient for her. In this case, I blurted out I was taking M to urgent care--note: urgent care to me is not the same thing as going to an Emergency Room at a hospital--urgent care is a walk in clinic. 

Problems compound themselves because she then gets her sister involved in running interference/meddling because I haven't called mom back regarding M's situation which was not life or death. He had pink eye. 

So this caused me to put my aunt in her place YET AGAIN, and let her know that her meddling is not welcome, and if she wants to reach out to me to talk to ME, that's great. But if she wants to reach out to me to meddle between me and my mother, then I'd just assume receive nothing but silence from her. 

What IS evident to me is one of two scenarios: Either she does not realize what she is doing is unwelcome or meddling; Or, she knows exactly what she's doing and doesn't give a shit about me and my feelings. In either scenario, I have neither the time nor energy to expend on making others feel more comfortable when it's clear by their actions (both, mom's and my aunt's) that they don't give a shit about MY feelings. Neither of them are adding anything loving or supportive to my life, and the more either of them push, the more I am digging my heels in and resisting.

Anyway, it's been 22 days, and in that time she called me back moments later, then called me back two weeks later, then again two days ago, and YET AGAIN yesterday. And to all this, I say SO WHAT?   

The telephone calls, the excessive ones to me, as well as the call she made to my aunt to get involved, were not about expressing concern about M's health--because let's face it, they couldn't care less about him (or me, for that matter), but it's all about control and access and manipulation. 

16

I stuck to my original plan as outlined in the previous blog post, wherein if I were to call, I'd call on the 17th, as I was getting together with my sister on the 18th, and I was going to be in NYC for appointments on the 19th, which was also my bday, and I'd spend the rest of the day trying to enjoy myself.

I was out running errands and had a hot moment in between errands and called, and of course, my timing sucks, and she was on the shitter waiting for her CNA to help hoist her off the commode. Perfect timing! The call was quick and I was in a hurry and said, that I better get going then, and not before she asked if I got her card.

I replied, "No. I didn't get it." Which isn't necessarily a lie, because if you want to get SPECIFIC, she didn't send me a CARD. And not trusting what I said, she replied back, "But your aunt got hers!" Well, she may have sent both on the same day; however, my aunt and I live at two different addresses, in two different states! It's entirely plausible shit gets lost in transit!  I wasn't going to fight it, but decided to have her second-guessing HERSELF for a change.

And of course, on my actual birthday, SHE called, and thankfully I have my communication choke point in place, because of course, she called right when I was at one of my two doctor appointments. 

And no, I did not call her back. 

She's tried calling me at the house several times after, and each time, it fills me with glee, because we see the number come in on the caller ID, and then POOF! The call disconnects! BEST. DECISION. EVER.

She calls when she feels like it, on HER timetable, yet outright refuses to empty her voicemail so other people can call and leave a quick message. Instead, she's created her own communications choke point, wherein everyone who calls but is unable to leave a message is immediately vilified. Whatever. 

I have given up hoping for a moment of reckoning, a moment where she realizes all this wasted time and energy on negativity. I have given up on hoping one day she'd love me the way a mother should love their kid--love them the way they need to be loved. But that will never happen. I have accepted this. However, what I refuse to accept is her attempting to make any demands on me whatsoever, considering that for so much of my formative years, she was emotionally and physically unavailable to me--abandoning me (as well as my siblings), as well as being a huge factor in my failure life trap.

After nine years in therapy with my previous therapist, and nine months with my current one, after all the self-help books I've read, after all the affirmations and mantras I've recited, nothing is making any of this "okay," much less disappear. It happened and it was awful, and I am steadfast in my resolve to try to curtail as much as I can having normal or loving impulses in regards to someone who has neither been normal nor loving towards me. 
 

56

Current # of days (in this round of going NC) w/my NM: 56 days.

Some of this might be redundant, as I think I’ve shared elements in other threads, but wanted to share what’s going on.

The last time I spoke with mom, she hung up on me 4x in a 12 minute chat (at first I thought she was just “fat fingering” her cell phone, but by the 4th hang up, I gave up calling her back).

In the interim, my busybody aunt let my NM know that my sister and I have been speaking for the last 2 years. (Though this now is a matter of debate.) This was none of my aunt’s business, nor my NM’s, and the entire reason my sister and I stopped speaking was because of NM’s constant interference. Within a day of NM finding this info out, she left a deceptively cheerful VM on my answering machine (of which I haven’t responded to it), too cheerful, but not letting on that she knew sis & I are speaking--but let’s face it, we know she KNOWS.

It’s been about a month since her VM and all she’s gotten from me is silence. And since she hasn’t gotten what she wants from me (attention, when she wants it), she’s decided to weaponize my birthday. Despite the fact my birthday is on the 19th, she sent me a hand written note conveying bday wishes, which I received on the 8th. This, too, has gone without response on my end, as it’s all a ploy for interaction--and then on my actual birthday, which is the 19th, there will be more of the same attempts at forced interaction--her making my day all about her.

Additionally, the envelope was addressed so convoluted, I’m honestly surprised the USPS delivered it:

MRS. (I’m a Ms.) Maven My-Maiden Name (WTF?)
1234 Name of my town
Name of my street
NY, NY (<<< Not my town) my-zip

Additionally, curiously, the entirety of the note was written in past tense.

Last year, there were 2 calls on the 18th, one of bday wishes, and the next immediately following, an apology that she called on the wrong day. Then there were THREE calls on the 19th. And another call on the 22nd, inquiring if I got the card she sent.

Of course, this is just making me anxious. To me, this is worse than death. Or it IS like a death, but where your tormentor in life decides to haunt your ass after they die.

I’d just rather wait things out until she dies, but damn it, modern medicine will see to it she outlives us all, Shady Pines or no Shady Pines. But the anxiety and uncertainty is getting to me. I’m actually considering calling her on the 17th, just to get it over with.
I chose the 17th because my sister and I are getting together for a bday lunch on the 18th; and the 19th I have appointments in NYC and want my day unfettered.

If/when I DO call, I’ll act as if I haven’t heard from her, that I’m having problems with my voicemail (just like how she refuses to empty her voicemail box so others can leave messages), and will dummy up about receiving the letter and gaslight her. And if she attempts to mention the fact I’ve been speaking with my sister, I plan on informing her that the topic is off limits and if she chooses to push the topic, she’ll be starting a fight with me. (And of course, I’ll hang up on her.)

On a related note, I’m trying to work through my anger and resentment issues I have (in CBT). It’s hard. All my life I’ve repressed most of my feelings as a result of negative reinforcement. So for me to think or even FEEL my feelings is challenging (and stressful) for me.

I wish I were able to just “let go” of it all, or accept any of this, and be able to move on, and use the headspace for something more productive than being a storage unit for this psychological warfare.

Unfortunate By-Products

I spent nine long years with a therapist who didn't help me move forward, and move beyond my traumas. For the last seven months, I've been with a therapist who does CBT. And TBH, while I do HOPE that I can move past everything, I do worry.

One of the unfortunate by-products of my upbringing is that it truly has shut me down emotionally. Anything that is challenging, painful, or fearful, I just shut down. I lack coping mechanisms necessary to move me forward and past these obstacles. As a result, I take things entirely too personally, and I am pretty quick to just cut-and-run. And if I cannot physically run away, I will insulate and isolate myself from the situations and people that activate me. 

A half century of this has made me reluctant to speak up on my own behalf, and without fail, when I have verbally articulated how I felt, it always ends poorly, regardless of how diplomatic I am in addressing it.

A half century of not acknowledging and feeling my feelings. Metaphorically, I fold everything up to the 16th fold, compress it all tightly, and jam it into a part of my psyche that doesn't get accessed. 

On an upnote, I haven't felt fearful or truly sad in a long time. On the downside, I have a lot of unresolved anger and resentments that manifest in indirect ways (i.e. insomnia, anxiety attacks, hypertension, hypersensitivity).

A lot of my own coping mechanism or conflict resolution has been to just simply "play to my strengths" and overcompensate in other ways to just remain functional. This has worked, TO A POINT.

Anger (and misery) can be great catalysts for change, and has served me well--TO A POINT. I just continue to make the best decisions I can based on the time and information available at any given point in time. 

I have neither run out of time nor choices to make, so I think I'm doing okay "enough," however, there comes a point where I realize how much more work I need to do, and I don't have a clear enough plan, and I get overwhelmed and paralyzed, and you guessed it, I get even more angry at myself. 

Most people are familiar with WWJD? I'll casually ask myself WWMD? (What would mom do?) And then I do the direct opposite; however, this cut-and-run (and shunning and isolating) is something she does. And you guessed it: I get even more angry at myself (and I keep ruminating). 

Despite my conscious decision several months back, wherein I decided I wasn't going to over-concern myself with how my words and deeds impact others' feelings, when it's clear by their words and their deeds, they have zero regard for my feelings, I still find myself having (what I feel IS logical) attachment and expectation for a certain standard of interaction--for instance, courtesy and communication.  

Currently, I have been processing the casual cruelty and jealousy of someone who I have considered a friend for the past 17 years. The last two months have involved me soaking in a lukewarm pond of discomfort, and I am still processing emotions beyond shock and hurt, and have evolved onto externalizing feelings of betrayal, and internalized criticizing my own judgment--how could I have been so wrong?
 I am left wondering so many residual things, I do not know which end is up, and what reality IS in regards to this person:

1. Were my standards that low 17 years ago?
2. Did I evolve THAT much in 17 years with all the self help & therapy?
3. Was she always this jealous and carelessly cruel?  
4. Did she regress this much in 17 years or was she always just slogging along?
5. Was this actually, merely a "friendly workplace acquaintance" which I blew out of proportion?

Her patented statement is, "It's not that deep." Well, yes, that may be so, unless of course, you're like me, and you're a deep thinker, in which case IT IS ALL QUITE DEEP. 

There is this obvious philosophical divide, both of us at polar opposite ends of the spectrum. This in turn makes me come to the conclusion that if she's been saying this for years, she's been putting her point of view right out there in the open, that she is operating at a very shallow level. 

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time
--Maya Angelou

Granted, she's shown me repeatedly in the past 17 years who she is. I feel like I am fully aware now, and trust me, I now know what I am dealing with. I'm disgusted with her, and myself, but I am looking at this as an opportunity for growth, and I'm establishing boundaries. Eventually, I'll go into auto-pilot mode with my new boundaries and have a new routine that doesn't involve her and all will be great. Meanwhile, she hasn't acknowledged that anything has changed--I guess because I only exist when she wants me to exist. And that's okay (for her). I've got useful shit to do with my time. 

This has undermined who I thought I was in regards to her. In turn, it has made me realize what I am to her: a distraction to get through the day--some cheap and easy laughs to break up the monotony. Laughing at my painfully absurd (or is it, absurdly painful?) personal stories.

Whereas I have wanted to help her with the things I know I can help her with, and want good things for her that she doesn't want for herself--she is jealous of the good things in my life, and seems resentful that I'm not suffering the way she's suffering. 

All life is suffering--it's inescapable, but, I try to make good choices to minimize what suffering I can. And she, just like my mom, chooses to do nothing and resents me because I've been strong or resilient enough to just keep making choices.

I don't feel loved or supported. I don't feel important or interesting. Couple that up with the lack of courtesy or communication (also another Hallmark of mom--I only exist when she wants me to exist). It's so circuitous and familiar. 

I've shut down emotionally (towards her) and I'm making myself more and more unavailable to her.

Little did I realize these little things I do in my life dovetail nicely with the Buddhist dharma: If you can help, HELP; and if you can't help, then don't be cruel.

Now if only I would cease to be cruel to myself and finally be able to accept things. I doubt I'll ever get to the point of forgiving those who have wronged me, but I want to be able to just LET GO--and it isn't as simple as saying JUST LET GO. I have lived a half a century as a ruminator--this is my greatest challenge--to protect myself and be kind to myself.

I think upon this quotable by Mother Theresa as the ideal I'd like to attain.

“People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.