I stuck to my original plan as outlined in the previous blog post, wherein if I were to call, I'd call on the 17th, as I was getting together with my sister on the 18th, and I was going to be in NYC for appointments on the 19th, which was also my bday, and I'd spend the rest of the day trying to enjoy myself.
I was out running errands and had a hot moment in between errands and called, and of course, my timing sucks, and she was on the shitter waiting for her CNA to help hoist her off the commode. Perfect timing! The call was quick and I was in a hurry and said, that I better get going then, and not before she asked if I got her card.
I replied, "No. I didn't get it." Which isn't necessarily a lie, because if you want to get SPECIFIC, she didn't send me a CARD. And not trusting what I said, she replied back, "But your aunt got hers!" Well, she may have sent both on the same day; however, my aunt and I live at two different addresses, in two different states! It's entirely plausible shit gets lost in transit! I wasn't going to fight it, but decided to have her second-guessing HERSELF for a change.
And of course, on my actual birthday, SHE called, and thankfully I have my communication choke point in place, because of course, she called right when I was at one of my two doctor appointments.
And no, I did not call her back.
She's tried calling me at the house several times after, and each time, it fills me with glee, because we see the number come in on the caller ID, and then POOF! The call disconnects! BEST. DECISION. EVER.
She calls when she feels like it, on HER timetable, yet outright refuses to empty her voicemail so other people can call and leave a quick message. Instead, she's created her own communications choke point, wherein everyone who calls but is unable to leave a message is immediately vilified. Whatever.
I have given up hoping for a moment of reckoning, a moment where she realizes all this wasted time and energy on negativity. I have given up on hoping one day she'd love me the way a mother should love their kid--love them the way they need to be loved. But that will never happen. I have accepted this. However, what I refuse to accept is her attempting to make any demands on me whatsoever, considering that for so much of my formative years, she was emotionally and physically unavailable to me--abandoning me (as well as my siblings), as well as being a huge factor in my failure life trap.
After nine years in therapy with my previous therapist, and nine months with my current one, after all the self-help books I've read, after all the affirmations and mantras I've recited, nothing is making any of this "okay," much less disappear. It happened and it was awful, and I am steadfast in my resolve to try to curtail as much as I can having normal or loving impulses in regards to someone who has neither been normal nor loving towards me.
I was out running errands and had a hot moment in between errands and called, and of course, my timing sucks, and she was on the shitter waiting for her CNA to help hoist her off the commode. Perfect timing! The call was quick and I was in a hurry and said, that I better get going then, and not before she asked if I got her card.
I replied, "No. I didn't get it." Which isn't necessarily a lie, because if you want to get SPECIFIC, she didn't send me a CARD. And not trusting what I said, she replied back, "But your aunt got hers!" Well, she may have sent both on the same day; however, my aunt and I live at two different addresses, in two different states! It's entirely plausible shit gets lost in transit! I wasn't going to fight it, but decided to have her second-guessing HERSELF for a change.
And of course, on my actual birthday, SHE called, and thankfully I have my communication choke point in place, because of course, she called right when I was at one of my two doctor appointments.
And no, I did not call her back.
She's tried calling me at the house several times after, and each time, it fills me with glee, because we see the number come in on the caller ID, and then POOF! The call disconnects! BEST. DECISION. EVER.
She calls when she feels like it, on HER timetable, yet outright refuses to empty her voicemail so other people can call and leave a quick message. Instead, she's created her own communications choke point, wherein everyone who calls but is unable to leave a message is immediately vilified. Whatever.
I have given up hoping for a moment of reckoning, a moment where she realizes all this wasted time and energy on negativity. I have given up on hoping one day she'd love me the way a mother should love their kid--love them the way they need to be loved. But that will never happen. I have accepted this. However, what I refuse to accept is her attempting to make any demands on me whatsoever, considering that for so much of my formative years, she was emotionally and physically unavailable to me--abandoning me (as well as my siblings), as well as being a huge factor in my failure life trap.
After nine years in therapy with my previous therapist, and nine months with my current one, after all the self-help books I've read, after all the affirmations and mantras I've recited, nothing is making any of this "okay," much less disappear. It happened and it was awful, and I am steadfast in my resolve to try to curtail as much as I can having normal or loving impulses in regards to someone who has neither been normal nor loving towards me.
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