The Xmas Visit: The Post-Visit Session With My Therapist

The movie History of the World Part I pretty much sums it up thusly: 

"And, of course, with the birth of the artist, came the inevitable after birth... The critic." 

Similarly, "of course with the birth of any visit involving my family, comes the inevitable afterbirth: The session with my therapist."

This morning I did my post-visit, high speed download of word vomit, leaving my therapist pretty much stupefied by the carelessly cruel insults regarding my food, as well as the insulting thing about my husband. "Wow!" and "Whoah!" were uttered a few times. 

And today's session left me with more questions than answers, with "Why am I doing this if it is not fulfilling?" being at the top of that list of questions. 

Perhaps my mother is too broken or too lacking in give-a-fuck for social niceties. Perhaps I'm not even deserving of her being nice. All I know is that the trip was physically exhausting, disgusting, disheartening. 

The drive of 2.5 hours one way, each way, destroys me enough.  
Then add to it the insults. 
Then add to that sleeping on a bed with pillows that are filled with saw dust and the lost souls of innocents. 
Then add to it the "scent story" and "morning pungency." 
Then add to it the morning headache which stayed with me all day.   
Then add to is the passive-aggression/stalker bullshit with my sister. 
Then add to it my mother's attempts at guilt-ing me or manipulating me to get my niece an Xmas gift.

It all, combined, proved to be more than a bit much for me, and it's taking me more than a couple days to just regroup and re-center myself.

"Why am I doing this if it is not fulfilling?"

I stand by my selfish reasons for doing this. That in a way as an insurance policy when mom dies I won't be questioning myself, and ruing that I should or could have done more. But the reality is, no matter how much I do, or WHAT I do, it'll never be enough, and furthermore, it will never be truly appreciated. 

I need to figure this out. I wish I could just stop. Completely. 

Fortunately I don't have to figure this out right this moment, today. However, at least moving forward, when I go to visit again after Spring thaw, I won't be staying over, and I won't be bringing food I've made. BOUNDARIES.  

Three more days, and it will be a full year since the Shituation commenced.