Holding My Own

I've refrained from trying to call her again. I left an email. Love that, there's a date and time stamp on it so she can see I when I sent it. Assuming she ever opens her email. 

I'm going to power through and if she doesn't manage to call me (subtext: blow up my cell phone during work hours), I only plan on breaking silence on New Year's Day itself. Beyond that, she can sit and stew in her own negativity.

I'm slowly coming around to the idea of embracing this delusion (of hers, and that of my sister) of me being a bitch. Heck. They think I'm a bitch and I haven't really gone out of my way to be actually bitchy (though, of course, anything that runs counter to their own desires could be construed as bitchy). Imagine if I really "leaned in" and was actually outright and actively bitchy?

Imagine Audrey having her "January medical drama" in a few short days (right on schedule!) and I don't come running, and I don't answer the phone?

Imagine me not attending the funeral, whenever THAT may be. 

I recognize that once I do that, it pretty much galvanizes this wedge--however, on an upnote! No more thankless trips to the Jersey Shore! Win-Win!  I also recognize that every weak-assed weasel who has sat silently (while Grandsperm, and then Audrey, and now my sister too, has ABUSED the good will of others), it will no doubt sever what sad little ties remain between us. To that, I say GOOD RIDDANCE! 

I'm the only one brave enough to acknowledge the truth--and the truth is, that it's just not important to them to be in my life--or me in theirs. Period!

2016 Will be the year of reciprocity! 
2016 Will be the year of me and my needs and feelings. 

There is no controlling or rationalizing the behaviors of the players at hand, I'd rather focus on THE NOW, and the things I can change, and ME MYSELF AND I, and to surround myself with friends who care, and who lift me up, or are positive, or at a minimum DO NOT SUCK ALL THE GOOD OUT OF ME, never replenishing what they've taken.

This blog post is full of declarations and good intention, but the reality is, this really is something I actively work on on a moment-by-moment level. Times like this, I wish I didn't have a conscience or a desire for family--but both to me, at this moment, are over-rated, over-idealized and might actually be the very things of which fairy tales are composed.