On My Alleged "Half Assery"

Perhaps there was a nugget of truth in that accusation. On one hand, I am only able or willing to give so much time or energy to the drama junkies; and on the other, it appears (to the junkies) as if I am "neither here nor there." 

More to the point, I'm half-assing MYSELF and my own needs. It hasn't felt natural or pleasant for me to visit my family, so why bother? They are not value added to my life. They aren't making a point to be active players, and yet resent me and expect me to be an active player in theirs.

Just when I am convinced I have steeled myself sufficiently, and have made strides and progress towards my OWN happiness or sense of well being, the Category 5 Emotional Hurricanes that my sister and mother are, find new ways to undermine my sense of self, my sense of well being, and try to drag me down to their level of misery.

I am disgusted and disappointed with myself that I "bit the hook," and engaged, even if it were one final attempt at trying to be understood.  The reality is, her mind is made up, and is closed.

My reality, as I see it is, that for years my sister has gotten weird and distant, to the point where it was challenging to even communicate, to the point where over time, I stopped extending invitations (why bother? she'll never find time to come visit), and over time I stopped calling her at home, due to inability to either get through to her directly or zero courtesy in a return call.

I feel that a lot of the ire in her emails are a combination of unresolved emotional garbage of her being in the delusion/trap of being the middle child, and how she was never loved enough, and gets the shitty end of the stick from the family, which is then coupled up with the unreasonable amount of medical drama and abuse from mom. There's only so much one person can withstand, and rather than be angry at our mother for essentially handicapping herself due to outright neglect, she's projecting all that garbage onto me (as if I've had it easy all this time).

My mother's neglect of self has affected our family on a very real level and has limited our ability to have a richer, more diverse family experience. However, for many years prior to her incapacitation (which I would say is 50% mental--as if she really WANTED to leave her house, she would find a way) she stopped going the distance. 

She doesn't know what fortitude is, much less what it is like to WORK through her garbage, and at this point she's a lost cause), she started opting out of going to HER sister's house due to the stairs being "too rickety," yet even after the stairs and railings were all replaced, she hasn't been to my aunt's house in 16 years. Another example:  Even though my brother lives 30 minutes away, she doesn't go to his house because when he moved in, they removed the railing from the front of the house.  Also related: she got rid of her death mobile, bucket of bolts, and cannot fit or get into anyone else's vehicle, so now she never leaves the house, and the world must COME TO HER.

Then there was the issue of her size and inability to lift her legs high enough to get into any other vehicle other than her death mobile, bucket of bolts. Seven years ago, when we bought our new car, she made such a  frustrating, pitiable fuss while attempting to get into the car, that she had to taint what would have been a simple joy, of taking my parents out for a joy ride in my new car. Of course, dad went with me and we enjoyed our time, but still, the memory is still there, and it is one of many examples of how anything good that happens to me, it has to be countered with something negative from her.

THAT is at the root here. The narcissism, the handicapping via outright neglect, the emotional abuse that camouflaged itself as "parenting" or "love," THAT is at the root here. 

I still say that despite my sister's claims she wanted a dialogue, the reality is, she wanted a monologue where the only valid POV is her own. Couple this up with her demands/selfishness and her cruelty (of her "agreeing with my stalker" which to me = her thinking I deserve to be victimized), I don't see much left to salvage in this relationship. 

I have her at the highest level of emotional insulation. I have blocked her from emailing further shit storms to me at my work email address, and I have added every related phone number for her to my reject list on my cell phone. If need arises, I'll add all those numbers to the reject list on the house phone/land line.

While I don't wish any negative stuff to happen, part of me hopes that when this year's "post-holiday hospitalization" happens, it will be while I am on an entirely different continent.

I've had enough of "family" to last me for a while. I am pretty much disgusted with my mother, as her meddling added to the dynamic/paradigm. I am working all week this week, and have zero intent to call anyone on the holiday. I'm putting everyone into a time out.