Good Times, Audrey.

Aunt was down to visit Audrey on Weds and to help set up for Thanksgiving.

After food prep, they ordered a white pie for dinner. Aunt decides to grab the poultry shears and cuts two slices. Mom recoils a bit and says, "I cut my toenails with those shears," then goes into detail about, "look at my feet, how do you think I broke that one side of the shears?" 

Aunt is disgusted and in shock Audrey would keep those shears in her flatware drawer. "Those two slices are yours," and of course, aunt finds this utterly revolting. While mom is telling me this, I am disgusted, shrieking out "Jesus Christ! Oh god, your toenails are HIDEOUS! Jesus Christ!!!!" 

It is at this point in the story, when you're grossed out and in shock, and disgusted about toenail-meet-pizza that mom reveals you've been HAD, that it is a joke, which just makes you laugh in relief as hard as you were experiencing disgust. 

Remember in April when I discovered used insulin syringes in that bushel of books I almost dropped off at Goodwill? Yeah. I'm not thoroughly convinced she does NOT clip her hideous toenails with those shears. Anything's possible. 

End note: While Audrey would no doubt never allow me to photograph her fucked up feet, I did try to Google image search "diabetes, feet, cellulitis" for a fitting image that came close to capturing the what-the-holy-ever-loving-fuck that is her feet, and well, I shall spare you THAT image. And right about now, I'm regretting the choice to look for a suitable photo to stand in for or represent her feet. My abdomen is all kinds of twitchy, in that pre-puke kind of twitchy. I don't recommend Google image searching that shit.