On Triggers

I have been in therapy since 2009. 

When I first started therapy, it was in preparation for my gastric bypass in 2010. And I decided to piggy back other issues onto it. My dad passed away in 2008, so there was a lot of sorting through my grief. And of course, there's the pesky business of 40+ years of living within my mother's sphere of influence.

And my mother is, pretty much, what has primed me for things I find "triggery." I'm on high alert for these types of behavior traits in others. 

My tipping point is thus: Once I see that certain behaviors have become habit and part of the overall character of someone with whom I've been cultivating a friendship, I pretty much go on personal access lock down, and start to disengage completely from people who exhibit some of these traits (and yes, there's some cross over of these traits):

• The moment people are cruel (whether carelessly or intentionally) to me (or I bear witness to the cruelty directed at others);
• Hipocrisy or willful stupidity;
• Inability to help themselves, yet mocking my own attempts at tending to my own life and issues;
• Bigotry;
• Hostile speech;
• Misinterpreting my strength or confidence as hubris or arrogance;
• Destructive speech/tearing me down, "take take take" rather than build me up or otherwise invest or "give give give" to cultivate the friendship;
• Increasing frequency of demands of my time, energy or actions;
• Outright disregard/disrespect for/of my boundaries.

It all seems to come back to my mother (and by extension, her father). Once the trigger has been tripped, it's very much like a light switch in my psyche being flipped off, no further life giving energy to be dispensed for those people and endeavors.

I am on lock down. No new friends. And really, I'm not going too far out of my way currently for the friends I currently have. I am in self-preservation mode. Boundaries up. I've worked too hard at gaining a sense of self and worth to put myself out there and be vulnerable. My energies are focused inward. This is not due to some overwhelming sense of selfishness, but out of fiercely protecting my SELF, and fact that I feel things VERY strongly and VERY deeply, and things that wouldn't hurt someone else, tend to hurt me immensely.   For me, the lock down is all about control.  At the moment, I'm trying to control my immediate environment, and by extension, my emotions.