I have not forgotten "the salad DECADES." At my core, I still am that broken woman, bankrupted, living paycheck to paycheck, and ever-aware that I could be a paycheck or two away from being homeless. Once you live like this, you always live in fear of it, because it can and does happen in the blink of an eye.
While I don't consider myself a racist, I am a class-ist, and by that, I do not mean that someone's financial net worth or occupation dictates who they are or if they are worthy enough to cultivate a friendship with, but how they COMPORT themselves (do they treat everyone with dignity? are they kind? do they have any depth? do they have good manners?). This was the yardstick by which I decided to cultivate my friendship with Sal, because on the surface, he appeared deep, given he had a love of reading, and loved to read the same types of books/authors I do, and even managed to introduce me to a few I had not explored yet.
My dad was blue collar, and at times a security guard. I could remember sitting with him and playing pranks on his co-worker. Mom was in food service, and us kids have worked a series of service related jobs: waitressing, gas pumping, chamber maiding, landscape, you name it. So the idea to eliminate someone as a potential friend did not even factor into my processing. And the idea of commiserating with what I thought was a friend, talking about our mutual love of philosophy books (albeit in the comfort of the security office at my office building) still seemed natural to me.
My husband pointed out how the caste system pretty much eliminates this kind of thing, as folks (in India) tend to seek out their "own kind." Obviously, I've come to discover, "my own kind" is a very nebulous thing.
The only thing I can do is take everyone on their own merits and be much more scrutinizing moving forward. My husband even pointed out and boiled it down to that Sal and I only had one thing in common: books on philosophy. And obviously, reading doesn't necessarily equate to Sal actually processing the themes, nor does it automatically mean he's got awareness or enlightenment. He's totally deluded. Also, his education level* doesn't necessarily mean he's automatically any more sophisticated than Frank, the maintenance man.
*Allegedly has a Ph.D. in public health--yet, why is he a doorman?
The thing is, and while I did condense (imagine that! that SAGA I pecked out was a mere CONDENSING!) the story to the thing that tripped my trigger last week, there had been some other things perking for a while, which I just let aggregate until last week's events happened, and pretty much turned me off.
The speaking ill of everyone, in the most casual of off handed ways. Saying directly to a maintenance man (from Ghana) that I have to "watch out, he's got the Ebola." (This was the week prior--and I said directly in front of both of them how inappropriate I thought that was.) Or telling me regarding the same guy (not in front of him, of course), "Who ever took him out of the jungle did him a disservice." And then went on to tell me about how the same guy (Frank) is a "habitual baby daddy."
Also, sometime roughly end of August (prior to him going out on medical leave for surgery*), he said something to me about how the UPS man was spreading rumors that my co-workers think I am nuts. This struck me odd, as just the day before I said to Sal, that I know he's a captive audience, so if ever there's a day he doesn't feel like chatting, to let me know. I don't want to invade his space. So the next day he comes up with the "nuts" thing. In hindsight, I think it's SAL who is spreading this rumor.
*The
day after his surgery, I actually went to the hospital with a small
goodie bag of things that are so useful that no one thinks about but
needs in a hospital right after surgery: Earplugs, blindfold, wet wipes
for the face, mouth moistening losenges, chap stick. I did this like I
would do FOR ANY FRIEND OF MINE. The husband believes this was the tipping
point, giving Sal license to feel overly-familiar with me, like he was
entitled to just no longer give a shit about the pretense of politeness.
Ultimately, he talks poorly about everyone, very casually, very matter-of-factly, that it made me think to myself "what does it say about me that I had chosen to cultivate a friendship with this person?" The fact that he, Sal (a Mexican, mind you) felt so comfortable saying these things around me disgusted me. Then couple that up with the personal shit directed at me, I just hit the point of no return.
And to use a movie analogy: Sal has become Fredo Corleone. I have reached the point where Michael Corleone finds out his brother betrayed him, and Michael says to Fredo, "You're dead to me."
First of all, Blogger can piss off for eating my comment
ReplyDeleteSecond, I can relate to this post - maybe not understand it as directly as you wrote it or even meant it but I can certainly relate to your statement around "my own kind" is a very nebulous thing." (but how and why needs to wait for another time, this is about you)
I am thinking it may be time to back this up, or involve someone else from the office or at least bring the situation to someone else's attention - you can not and should not be or feel you need to be sneaking around your place of work.
I do think you hit a nail on the head, I think your kindness was misinterpreted or taken for more than it is. However, it's obviously a social deficiency of his, as your kindness comes with clear and build in boundaries. I do not know if he took it as more or is trying to manipulate it to monopolize your 'friendship' but, clearly his response is crossing a line he doesn't seem to see even if it is one you made clear and literally spelled out (the note was a good idea, by the way because it was clear and honest).
Also, his comments to and about Frank were (are) indeed very uncomfortable.
I had something else to comment but I forgot it when I lost what I was typing. :/
I don't have a great response with advice, but I did want you to know I read this all and WOW. I am sorry you have to deal with this.
Yes yes."My own kind" IS nebulous, because not everyone who is female, or white, or a crocheter, or bacon eater, or New Yorker, or lapsed Christian, all of these are labels, which don't necessarily denote VALUE. "My own kind" are people who are thoughtful and thought provoking, respectful of others, non-combattant, kind, generous, passionate, creative, and even so, those are still labels. But at my core is this thing called integrity and dignity. And not everyone's capable of possessing those two characteristics.
ReplyDeleteI don't think he read more into the kindness as some sort of romantic overture. But he was getting overly familiar, too quick, and well, among everything I detailed he is a RAGING BIGOT. So, there's that, and I don't abide that at all. So not only did I "lose myself" as far as the whole "class" thing, HE has lost himself, thinking he's above anyone else, despite the obviousness that he, too, is a minority, much like the person he was maligning.
*Note: I don't think I am above or superior to anyone based on race, but was illustrating *HE* clearly thinks along those lines.