So. About my stalker.
I don't view my befriending him as a sign my judgement is shitty. My first impulse in the past always was to turn my anger inward towards myself and my judgement. But here's the flaw with that logic or behavior: My judgement has been spectacular in the past, as that same judgement has led to me marrying my current husband, and has been spectacular in the cultivation of friendships, some of which have lasted upwards of nearing-three decades long.
I see my judgement as nothing short of stellar, and see the cultivation of that friendship as a testament to how manipulative and persuasive this SOCIOPATH is. I have been forthright with how I have presented myself, and sadly only over time was I able to discern he was misrepresenting himself. If, and only if things do escalate to the point of me reporting both, to my boss and his, I neither think I "deserved this" nor was I "asking for it," because at my core, I was nothing short of kind and "nice" to this person, even far longer than his behaviors really deserved. And in the end, my judgement demanded I starve the beast. Cautious and slow to act, but in the end, I judged and acted in accordance to my own dignity and integrity.
I actually had to articulate that very fact (I did not deserve this, I did not ASK FOR IT) to my mother, who is still living in the dark ages when "Let's blame the victim to justify the horrible act!"
So my tack is to starve the beast of the very thing it feasts upon: attention.
Monday will mark the third week of starving the beast.
That is the gift of hat sociopath; they make you believe you are wrong.
ReplyDeleteI am sure your judgement IS stellar - but you approach things clearly and honestly - some other people choose not to. It is that that causes you to question yourself.
however, it is that introspection, that reflection, that is cause FOR better judgement and appreciation of the (good) choices already made.
Don't blame yourself for being nice. The sociopath wants that. That want it to be your folly, for they can never be wrong, nor do wrong. It is far better for you to question you, because your success is a threat, your judgement a weapon.
Re read your words: you are thoughtful, introspective and reflective - those are traits social pariahs generally do not possess and wish to abolish.
(3 cocktails in, before you ask. 3)
Hehehe, three cocktails or no, thank you for your reply!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, besides the attention sociopaths THRIVE ON, they also want to undermine whatever confidence you possess. I believe I have confounded and confused him, that perhaps I am the only person on planet earth that sees him for what he is.
I remain resolved NOT to go into the downward spiral of thinking my judgement was shoddy. Because it wasn't.
Tomorrow marks the start of the third week since I decided to start "starving the beast." I won't be in the office until Tuesday. So who knows how this week will pan out. I just want to blend back into the crowd.
And speaking of crowd, I think in the a.m., when I come in, on the off chance he'll be at the front desk (the usual guy will be retiring in about a week to ten days), I'm going to try to time my arrival to mesh with the schedule of the jitney which our building has, ferrying people to/from the train station & bus terminal.