It's Been a While: Still Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Even in INACTION there is action. Even without a post, there is always that anxious uncertainty that exists between crises, and where there's a crisis, there's the opportunity for more bullshit.

Last Friday, my cousin got married. Mind you, I wouldn't consider myself super-close to my cousin. We're first cousins, but there's a considerable age difference. And we somewhat grew distant about 10-15 years back where she tried to make some trouble between me and her mom (which fortunately got resolved QUICK). But it was important to my aunt (the bride's mom) that I be at the wedding, and my aunt has always been good to me, so I ensured that I went.

And as one does under these circumstances, I looked forward to the event. I bought my shoes a year ago. While in India in January, we bought not one, but two suits, so the husband would be properly attired. I got my hair done. I showed up. I looked happy to be there, and from what my aunt said, I looked stunning. 

And I thought perhaps the occasion of our cousin getting married would be enough for my sister to finally end this bullshit that exists between us. But no. No such luck. I hugged my niece for the first time in perhaps a year or so, as she was in the receiving line, thinking that might be a catalyst for her to interact with me at the reception. Again--no such luck. 

Pan forward a few scant days--

This week my mom took not just one, but TWO tumbles, the second of which was bad enough where she was so out of it she couldn't click her Life Alert pendant, and she needed to be taken to the hospital.  

I last spoke with her on Tuesday morning (and she sounded normal for her; lucid and alert, and apparently between doses of percocet as she wasn't slurring her speech), and allegedly she fell Tuesday evening, basically putting her hand out to break her fall, and in the end she destroyed her television (her constant companion). She was okay enough to call her housekeeper to come and help her bathe Wednesday morning, and I guess sometime after the housekeeper left, mom caught her slipper on the carpet and fell, hitting her head on her fridge, and injuring her shoulder.

Considering the fact she hit her head coupled up with her wonky glucose levels PLUS the fact I haven't spoken to my sister in 2.5 years, trying to get a handle on what exactly caused her to fall, as well as the timeline of everything has been super vague. What I detailed in the previous paragraph is the only timeline that makes sense. 

As I'm typing this, I now have the mental image of her laying on the floor for who knows how long really, before she had the presence of mind to press her Life Alert pendant--or did she call my sister? I have no idea.  

So, back to Wednesday, and back to the timeline of let's say "sometime either before or after calling my sister or pressing her Life Alert pendant"--

I'm at work and as I normally do, at 1 p.m. I got up to go for a walk during my lunch hour, run some errands, try to boost my seratonin as it was a beautiful day.  As I returned to my office building and was about to tuck into some soup, and I opened up my cell, and noticed a text from my aunt, "Mom's in hospital. Call me."  I noticed my aunt also left a voicemail, which detailed among other things, that my sister had attempted to call me but is convinced I blocked her (which is true).

I listened to the voicemail about 2:30 I discovered the blocked callers section of my voicemail, and there was a solitary voicemail from my sister, totally devoid of any warmth or any other emotion to be direct. It went thusly, "Mom fell, she's in the hospital. I thought you'd want to know."

At around 4 p.m., I zapped a text, "Thanks for letting me know," and at that time, I unblocked her number so if she wanted to reply, she could.

At 4:57 p.m., I got the following text from my brother, on behalf of my sister (yet, he's too stupid to realize he's NOT remaining neutral):

Please forward to your sister. You can let Maven know that I will not be providing any further updates to Anyone that she can reach out to you or Melon or god forbid her own mother. I can understand she wants to make herself unavailable for me to reach, I attempted calls and messages before I realized she blocked me. I tried to reach out to her right after you. Let her know that my daughter will never be a part of her life. I will make sure if it now. No more saying to my daughter it's between my sister and I she is your aunt don't avoid her or get involved. Fuck that line drawn.  

Clarification: She tried calling me 2x. The first voicemail was nothing but a hang up; second call was the only voicemail she left.  So, while yes, technically 2 = "attempted calls" as she stated in her text, beyond this, there is no other indication she tried calling me at home or at work etc. Two calls doesn't = anything above the bare minimum required--I still don't understand all this simmering hatred--other than the obvious, that I'm not behaving how she expects me to behave, and for that, she can roundly and soundly fuck herself. 

Carry on...

Anyway. I shared a screen cap of the text I sent my sister (which shows the time, and shows zero reply) and said, "Not only did I send a text and acknowledge her, I unblocked her so she can reply if she wants to. So. Moving forward, I'd like to keep a line of communication open WITH YOU (my brother), however, moving forward, if our sister has anything to say TO or ABOUT me and expects you to convey whatever hatred to me, I'd just assume you "yes" her to death and just fucking delete her message. I'm done with her." 

To cover all bases, my aunt, of whom I was in constant communication with all day Wednesday (and thereby did not see the need to overwhelm my sister with YET ONE MORE call for a status update--as history has proven she gets asshole-ish even if people DO CALL out of concern, if TOO MANY people call, she doesn't like that either (fuck her!)---where was I? Oh yes... to cover all bases, my aunt, of whom I was in communication with all day about mom, I made a point of informing her of what was going on behind the scenes, and I provided screen caps of the text I sent, informed her (too) that I unblocked my sister, and then was REWARDED with that lovely text (and yes--I shared that too). I said, "I don't expect you to intervene on my behalf, but I need you to know what's going on--especially since we were talking all day about mom, and coming up with a plan between us, as far as who will be at the hospital on what days."

So I'm sharing all this, as it's been pretty much radio silence for a while, and this is the only update worth posting. I'm trying to mentally steel myself in preparation of making that thankless trip to the Jersey Shore, to see my mother in the hospital yet again. 

Considering my own limitations and my own anxieties about things, I know things are fucked up if my husband has come up with a plan, and will go with me, and we'll stay at a hotel (where it's safe, and has a t.v.), visit on Saturday, and I'll run by around 10 or 11 on Sunday, before heading home.  Beyond this, I don't know what else to say or how to feel, but I'm trying to remain focused on not LEANING IN on the impulse to wish my sister didn't exist anymore. Not that my thoughts possess any kind of great cosmic power (and IF it DID? PLEASE UNIVERSE, LET ME HIT THE LOTTERY!). 

I wish I could say I am numb. 
I wish I could say that after the last 2.5 years, I'm pretty much dead inside. 
I wish I could say that all of my sister's words in her text don't hurt me anymore--they just make me sad. 

I'm no longer angry. 
I'm sad and embarrassed that this is what our relationship has become. 
I am not in a position to fix this.

I have spent the greater portion of this week meditating in front of a Ganesha statuette, hoping for some clarity on how I might be able to help things indirectly, and of course, being worried about my mom, and of course, carrying on conversations with my father who has been deceased eight years. 

Three things I am grateful for:

1. My husband who remains my rock;
2. My father being dead--he's liberated from this cycle of hostility; and
3. This new family drama is taking my attention/focus away from other aspects of my life that make me miserable--so perhaps it's giving me some perspective, and that, I guess should be #4 to the list.


Thanks to anyone who is reading this and gives a shit.

End note: At first we thought mom had a TIA or a mini stroke that contributed to one of the two falls; turns out it was glucose related. And at first it appeared as if she dislocated her shoulder; however, it turns out there's a fracture involved. Either way you slice it, dislocation or a fracture, it amounts to the same thing: she cannot support her own body weight and use her walker, so it's back to Shady Pines for her for a while.