Talking Points

So, I finally had that conversation with my aunt about All Things Audrey. What startled me was the only thing I said that she took issue with was my theory that Audrey sits in her chair eating candies and shoots up extra insulin. I realize in the end, my aunt is no doubt correct, that in order to make sure Audrey's got her insulin to go with the candy, it would require her to get up and walk to the fridge to get it. I know she's right, but still the coincidence of two empty syringes being in the bottom of that box of books, along with candy wrappers did not seem too outlandish of me. "You're right, that would require effort and forethought. You're right." 

But beyond that, she did not criticize or fight me on any of my talking points. I said things, observations of things the way they are now, and followed up with the thought that what most of the extended family is seeing or experiencing now is not merely because Audrey's in the nursing home, but this is pretty much her normal state of being, and that for 40+ years, me and my siblings have endured quite a bit of inappropriateness and abuse.

I asked my aunt about her non-visiting mom, and prefaced it with, "I am just curious, and seriously, no judgement at all, are you not visiting her because you've got your own shit to deal with, or did Audrey say something stupid and insulting, and you pulled back because of that?"  And of course, my aunt replied she had her own shit to deal with (don't we all?).

My primary concern is not my mom. She's in a stable environment, whether she likes it or not. My primary concern is for my sister, whose primary diagnosis was pneumonia, but we won't know for sure what is actually going on in her lung until May 3rd when the biopsy results are finally in. And do not ask me why it takes nearly 2 weeks for biopsy results. 

So, the cliffnotes of talking points which I articulated, and honestly I couldn't give two fucks less if she goes back and tells my mother everything, but they all needed saying:

• "Sis is sick with either pneumonia and/or cancer, and Audrey could give two fucks less. She wants what she wants, and she wants sis to be at her beck and call, as if sis were her servant." 
• She acts as if she were in a hotel, not a nursing home.
• Audrey thinks things are horrible NOW. If she keeps up doing what she's doing and sis dies as a result, I am filing a petition for a court appointed conservator to do all Audrey's shit, FOR A COST, which will come out of Audrey's pocket, not mine. And once those funds are depleted, she will be on her own.
• All she does is take, never replenishing the well of good will. At one point, she used to be (albeit, inappropriately) humorous. Now? She brings nothing to the table. She doesn't even talk of what she watched on t.v., or the book she just finished reading. Just sits there with that vacant stare, and like a vampire, suctions every last bit of positivity right out of you.
• Talk to me, talk to me! You sit there and talk, she doesn't listen or absorb what's said, just continues to pump you for CONTENT to keep her interested or occupied.
• I know she talks shit about me if I'm not there. She talks shit about me if I visit. I decided a few years back that it's unhealthy for me to continue to give what she expects. It's unhealthy for me to concern myself with trying to make someone happy, when that very someone is incapable of experiencing true happiness.
• I articulated how, if it were up to Audrey, none of us would have lives or experiences of our own beyond tending to her and her constant need to be the center of the universe.
• I articulated how I am unwilling to make the sacrifices of: quitting my job, selling my home, divorcing my husband, buying a new car, and or having a hysterectomy all so I can BE THERE and help someone who is incapable and unwilling to help themselves. 
• I articulated how unacceptable it is for Audrey to call my sister 30 times a day; and in contrast, how unhealthy it is for my sister to answer the phone 1/3 of the time. "I don't answer the phone at work, because the day I do, she starts up with the never ending phone calls. I am at WORK. I am not at her beck and call."
• I articulated a typical "pep talk" my mother had given me, knowing how miserable I am at my job and how I was preparing to go for a job interview at a court's clerk office: "Whatever you do, don't tell them how much you love giving blow jobs!" (and then cackle the kind of laugh that inmates at an asylumn would sound like) Contrary to what she thinks I am no longer some snot nosed 15 yr old trying to find validation and love on the receiving end of a flesh flute.
• I articulated how for years I was accused of being a slut, at a time when I was still a virgin. And how tired I was of being accused of being something I wasn't, I went right out and SLUTTED IT UP BIG TIME. And how in more recent time, I saw something online along the lines of "Watch how you talk to your kids, because that becomes their inner dialogue when they grow up." 
• I articulated how when dad had his final hospitalization, I asked him directly if I was named after a fond memory in Barcelona, asking pointedly if I were named after a Spanish prostitute since my name has such a unique spelling. Which he flat out denied, however, if it were true, and I do believe it is, it does make sense of how or why my mother has hated me my entire life.
• I articulated how mom's behaviors (which MIRROR the behaviors of her father's) started becoming outrageous during dad's final hospitalization. And how after an unrelenting round of "telephone" I finally answered the phone, was furious, she got into a fight with me, which concluded when I told her point blank,  "Yanno what? After 40 years, I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm the other woman in your marriage." And hung up. 

I said how no one can accuse me of leaving things unsaid that need being said; however, she picks and chooses what she hears, she manipulates her own stories and narrative depending on who she is talking to, in order to render the desired response from each person. My bottom line is I no longer am taking her "bait." I'm not biting the hook. I am not giving her the attention, and specifically THE KIND of attention, she demands and craves from me.

My final take away I hope my aunt came away from the conversation with, I hope was, "You had a different relationship with your father and your sister, than the rest of us. Mom IS your father in personality. It was nothing short of awful growing up with that. And after 45 years, I'm done keeping the big fat secret. I see the veil is wearing thin on what she'll say to intimates vs the rest of the world. Eventually everyone will know her for who and what she truly is. And while she may cast a tragic figure, one of pity etc, the true tragedy is all those decades someone else could have said something on behalf of us when we were children, and people were either too polite or too scared to do anything. It's amazing that any of us came out of it alive, much less as functional as we are now. I refuse to allow her to destroy me further, or consume me entirely. Fuck her."