Grappling

Right now, I'm still grappling with my anger/rage issues towards my parents. I was able to be more honest with my dad while he was alive, but only to an extent. And well, with mom? I was never entitled to express anything negative, much less express anger towards her. 

The relationship was always unbalanced with me doing the bulk of the emotional heavy lifting, self-censoring as a form of survival to avoid her wrath. 

Death does not provide any great resolution or closure--it merely provides a cessation of the active nature of verbal and emotional abuse; however, all those entrenched neural synapses and pathways don't magically reroute or heal themselves after a half century of repetition. That's mom's legacy.

It all has made me a distrustful skeptic, incapable of embracing change (unless I am the one initiating change). 

And if that weren't enough, the pandemic has been sadly illustrative of the true nature of too many people, frothing their recklessness and selfishness right on the surface, unashamed and self unaware--and this has made me withdraw even further away from in-person socialization. This will be COVID's legacy--in addition to the 600+K people who have perished--many of whom could have been spared an early, painful demise, scared and alone like my mom was.