I've been happily tooling along, working on my own personal well being and enrichment--minding my own business, and keeping things LC (low contact) with my mom. After last October's cunty-ness, of her losing interest in the visit within 5-10 minutes, and then, of course, her barely waiting until I've left the room before calling someone (perhaps her sister) and snarking, "You'll NEVER guess who dared to show up without calling!" (What? As if she's the Queen of England?)
Then there's the matter of last month's call, which was all of ten minutes total, which was punctuated by her hanging up on me four times. At first, I thought it was a typical senior citizen move, fat fingering the phone and accidentally hanging up.
The first three times it happened, I called back immediately. The first time I thought, "WTF?" but I called. Two minutes into the chat, she hangs up again. And again, I call back. Two minutes into the chat, she hangs up again. And against my better judgment, I called back. And two minutes into the chat, she hangs up again, and this time I held off on calling her back to see if she'd call back. And no call was forthcoming, and that told me everything I need to know.
This past Saturday I had dinner with my sister, who casually lets it be known our aunt asked, YET AGAIN, if it were okay for her to tell mom we are speaking again. And my sister said, "I don't give a fuck, I haven't spoken to mom since March." Yet, no one bothered to ask ME how I felt about it. And yes, I'm fucking furious.
So, I return home on Sunday to a voicemail from mom, and the voicemail was so upbeat, and so cheery (not her usual flat affect-bordering-on-hostility), and she baited the hook with that familiar chestnut, "I love you. I miss you." Hearing how upbeat her tone of voice was made me ill, and told me all I needed to know, that my aunt let her know.
I have a lot of problems with all of this:
1. The primary problem is, this is none of my aunt's business to tell;
2. Despite the fact we are mom's children, we are ADULTS and our relationships are mutually exclusive from mom;
3. The entire reason my sister and I have had a lifetime of difficulties has been due to mom's interference and abuse;
4. Now that mom knows, she will no doubt attempt to "Hoover" me back into chatting, and will then triangulate and try to use me as a go-between between her and my sister, who, I might add, hasn't spoken to mom since March.
There are other ancillary issues I have with all this:
1. My sister knew this would upset me and told me anyway;
2. My sister knew I'd be upset, but didn't stop our aunt;
3. My sister tells me this shit, knowing I'd be upset and ruminate, and she's been cherry picking which texts she replies to, which left me alone with my thoughts and shitty feelings until Tuesday, when I spoke with my therapist.
In the interim, I haven't called mom back, and in fact, I've decided how I will respond--which is to say, NO RESPONSE.
Initially, I thought I'd respond thusly:
1. The person who told you that is a troublemaker (thereby triangulating mom back to my aunt); and
2. That topic is not open for discussion.
I then decided I liked the simplicity of just preparing to use sentence #2. But I realize that ANY response will give mom what she wants: A "supply," interaction, even negative attention is better than no attention. And I've come to the conclusion that I need to go no contact. ZERO.
I started to look critically at the rare/infrequent cards or calls which are sent only on her birthday or other big days during the year. Impersonal cards. And impersonal calls where I don't talk about anything super deep.
Originally I justified doing so to spare my humanity--to have normal impulses for a mother who is clearly NOT NORMAL.
The second layer of my justification was: guilt, shame, obligation, and even pity.
Lastly, the third layer of justification is more sinister: This week I learned the term "bread-crumbing" (though usually in the context of dating) the calls or cards would come out of no where, an ambush of sorts, hopefully reinforcing how very alone she is, and the hope that she feels abandoned like she's abandoned me and my siblings our whole lives.
But I realize that she isn't operating on that level of feeling alone and abandoned, and has been using those rare/infrequent calls and cards as her SUPPLY. That any "supply," even negative "supply" is better than no "supply."
I have come to the point in my life where it is necessary for me to go no contact for my own sense of well being. It has taken me nearly a half century to INDIVIDUATE, and cultivate standards and boundaries and some sense of self worth. A lot of hard work and reading and analysis and introspection, and a lot of SELF CARE has been done--self care neither my mother nor her meddlesome cunt of a sister have done for themselves, I might add.
For years, I thought they were jealous of all the tangible things I had that they didn't--but I believe the one thing I have which they covet the most is SELF-WORTH. And rather than acknowledge their own complicity in whatever it is that is making them truly unhappy in their own lives, it's super easy to disparage me, and/or think I am smug or arrogant or whatever. Much easier to disparage me rather than acknowledge & address their own PAIN and do the necessary psychological heavy lifting to help themselves.
After a lifetime of feeling abandoned and unloved, and 100% MISUNDERSTOOD by my mother, in addition to being made to feel like a FAILURE because no matter what I do or say, it's never good enough, I've decided no contact is the only viable option for me.
I have mom and my aunt blocked on my cell phone--so if mom calls, her voicemails go into a separate folder. We've blocked mom on the house phone too. I blocked my aunt on my cell, and will only be able to block her on my house phone if/when she decides to call my land line.
Additionally, if mom resorts to her usual fuckery, one of her hateful letters will be sent, too. And I think if/when that happens, I'll finally get a chance to use the self-inking RETURN TO SENDER stampers I bought back when my sister and I are estranged.
I'd love to use one of my dad's patented sayings, "Don't go away mad--JUST GO AWAY." But I feel that the only fitting thing to do here is just provide profound SILENCE.
Since they both have yet to cease to exist, the only hope and desire I have is for them to act as if I do not exist. But you know what Ben Franklin said about hope, right? Man who feasts upon hope dies FASTING.
Note: As of today, I have gone 36 days without contact.
Then there's the matter of last month's call, which was all of ten minutes total, which was punctuated by her hanging up on me four times. At first, I thought it was a typical senior citizen move, fat fingering the phone and accidentally hanging up.
The first three times it happened, I called back immediately. The first time I thought, "WTF?" but I called. Two minutes into the chat, she hangs up again. And again, I call back. Two minutes into the chat, she hangs up again. And against my better judgment, I called back. And two minutes into the chat, she hangs up again, and this time I held off on calling her back to see if she'd call back. And no call was forthcoming, and that told me everything I need to know.
This past Saturday I had dinner with my sister, who casually lets it be known our aunt asked, YET AGAIN, if it were okay for her to tell mom we are speaking again. And my sister said, "I don't give a fuck, I haven't spoken to mom since March." Yet, no one bothered to ask ME how I felt about it. And yes, I'm fucking furious.
So, I return home on Sunday to a voicemail from mom, and the voicemail was so upbeat, and so cheery (not her usual flat affect-bordering-on-hostility), and she baited the hook with that familiar chestnut, "I love you. I miss you." Hearing how upbeat her tone of voice was made me ill, and told me all I needed to know, that my aunt let her know.
I have a lot of problems with all of this:
1. The primary problem is, this is none of my aunt's business to tell;
2. Despite the fact we are mom's children, we are ADULTS and our relationships are mutually exclusive from mom;
3. The entire reason my sister and I have had a lifetime of difficulties has been due to mom's interference and abuse;
4. Now that mom knows, she will no doubt attempt to "Hoover" me back into chatting, and will then triangulate and try to use me as a go-between between her and my sister, who, I might add, hasn't spoken to mom since March.
There are other ancillary issues I have with all this:
1. My sister knew this would upset me and told me anyway;
2. My sister knew I'd be upset, but didn't stop our aunt;
3. My sister tells me this shit, knowing I'd be upset and ruminate, and she's been cherry picking which texts she replies to, which left me alone with my thoughts and shitty feelings until Tuesday, when I spoke with my therapist.
In the interim, I haven't called mom back, and in fact, I've decided how I will respond--which is to say, NO RESPONSE.
Initially, I thought I'd respond thusly:
1. The person who told you that is a troublemaker (thereby triangulating mom back to my aunt); and
2. That topic is not open for discussion.
I then decided I liked the simplicity of just preparing to use sentence #2. But I realize that ANY response will give mom what she wants: A "supply," interaction, even negative attention is better than no attention. And I've come to the conclusion that I need to go no contact. ZERO.
I started to look critically at the rare/infrequent cards or calls which are sent only on her birthday or other big days during the year. Impersonal cards. And impersonal calls where I don't talk about anything super deep.
Originally I justified doing so to spare my humanity--to have normal impulses for a mother who is clearly NOT NORMAL.
The second layer of my justification was: guilt, shame, obligation, and even pity.
Lastly, the third layer of justification is more sinister: This week I learned the term "bread-crumbing" (though usually in the context of dating) the calls or cards would come out of no where, an ambush of sorts, hopefully reinforcing how very alone she is, and the hope that she feels abandoned like she's abandoned me and my siblings our whole lives.
But I realize that she isn't operating on that level of feeling alone and abandoned, and has been using those rare/infrequent calls and cards as her SUPPLY. That any "supply," even negative "supply" is better than no "supply."
I have come to the point in my life where it is necessary for me to go no contact for my own sense of well being. It has taken me nearly a half century to INDIVIDUATE, and cultivate standards and boundaries and some sense of self worth. A lot of hard work and reading and analysis and introspection, and a lot of SELF CARE has been done--self care neither my mother nor her meddlesome cunt of a sister have done for themselves, I might add.
For years, I thought they were jealous of all the tangible things I had that they didn't--but I believe the one thing I have which they covet the most is SELF-WORTH. And rather than acknowledge their own complicity in whatever it is that is making them truly unhappy in their own lives, it's super easy to disparage me, and/or think I am smug or arrogant or whatever. Much easier to disparage me rather than acknowledge & address their own PAIN and do the necessary psychological heavy lifting to help themselves.
After a lifetime of feeling abandoned and unloved, and 100% MISUNDERSTOOD by my mother, in addition to being made to feel like a FAILURE because no matter what I do or say, it's never good enough, I've decided no contact is the only viable option for me.
I have mom and my aunt blocked on my cell phone--so if mom calls, her voicemails go into a separate folder. We've blocked mom on the house phone too. I blocked my aunt on my cell, and will only be able to block her on my house phone if/when she decides to call my land line.
Additionally, if mom resorts to her usual fuckery, one of her hateful letters will be sent, too. And I think if/when that happens, I'll finally get a chance to use the self-inking RETURN TO SENDER stampers I bought back when my sister and I are estranged.
I'd love to use one of my dad's patented sayings, "Don't go away mad--JUST GO AWAY." But I feel that the only fitting thing to do here is just provide profound SILENCE.
Since they both have yet to cease to exist, the only hope and desire I have is for them to act as if I do not exist. But you know what Ben Franklin said about hope, right? Man who feasts upon hope dies FASTING.
Note: As of today, I have gone 36 days without contact.
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