For as honest but critical in an unvarnished way I am about how I perceive others, I am even more critical of myself. I am my own worst critic. I think we ALL are, but truly, I'm rotten to myself. Furthermore, it takes me a while to "go easy on myself" or to even get to the point of either accepting or forgiving certain transgressions of mine.
I figured I'd dump it here rather in any of my other blogs, as somehow, I am quite sure, it circles back and is related SOMEHOW to how my family fucked me up (or not, who knows, but this blog IS devoted to the dysfunction in my life).
So I'm presenting a series of inter-related stories (of events that have transpired in the last 7-10 days) to illustrate how rotten I am to myself, and how critical I am, and how even in what I view as "seeing things as honest as I can," I still suffer. It's not that I think I'm better than anyone else. Perhaps my standards are just too high to deal with other people? I don't know. It's a theory. Regardless, the stories will be broken down in the order that I presented them to my therapist yesterday, and I am fortunate I had a session with him yesterday evening, as I had one more story at the end present itself earlier in the day yesterday.
For any friend that is involved in these stories who may be put off or offended by reading this, offending you is not my intent. The intent here is to illustrate that no matter how critical I may be of you, I am much much more critical and unforgiving of myself. I know how imperfect I am.
PREAMBLE:
SUNDAY
I had promised a dear friend of mine that I would attend her spoken word performance. The week prior, I was in Europe traveling, and traveling takes a lot out of me physically (which does affect my mood, too), and for roughly 8 weeks I have also been experiencing food-related anhedonia.
So I texted her the night before and confirmed that, yes, I would be there. I texted her along the way that I was on the train, and expected into Grand Central by 5:30 and I'd be there with 10 minutes to spare. My flaw in my plan was that I had relied on my husband's advice, as he told me, "It'll be so much quicker to take a cab than to take the Shuttle to the 1."
I exited Grand Central with the queue for the taxi stand stretching eastward by a full block, or possibly TWO. As the words "OH FUCK" looped through my mind, and as my anxiety started to mount, I hoofed it two blocks westward, thinking, "Surely I can catch a cab."
Stopping every two blocks to attempt to hail a cab was fruitless. Every two blocks until I finally reached Bryant Park, at which point, I was now furiously texting my husband, "Why did you do this to me? It's Memorial Day weekend AND Fleet Week, and I can't catch a cab AT ALL!" Furious! I'm still stopping every two blocks attempting to hail a cab, until I reached about 34th street where I just gave up attempting to hail a cab, and walked about as fast as my legs could move.
At this point, I am now turning all my rage inward at myself, "Why do you bother making plans at all? You are a fucking failure! You're a horrible friend! How can you expect people to be there for you when you clearly can't be there for them?" Oh on and on I raged at myself. However, all along, my friend knew I was on my way. And all along, my husband is watching me on "Find a Friend" on my iPhone, totally stupefied at how fast I was walking, as well as the distance I walked--I had rage-walked from Grand Central Station on 42nd Street all the way to the theater, which was on 29th, between 7th & 8th Avenues.
THE IMPETUS--WHY I WENT TO THE CITY, AKA THE PRIMARY STORY:
So I arrive at the show approximately 7 minutes late. I showed up in a full on flop sweat with what felt like a raging case of shin splints, and an anxiety attack about to GO INTO FULL BLOOM. I got a glass of cold wine (just the thing after all that physical exertion--so hydrating!) and took my seat off stage right.
Her show started at 6 and she was the first speaker performing. My friend is about six feet tall, with long black hair like Morticia Adams, with about 50% of her exposed skin tattooed. She's in her early 50s and retired and goes on "rocker cruises" where the likes of KISS or MotorHead perform. Her stories involved the colorful and interesting people she encounters on her cruises. Her stories are interesting and amusing, mind you she's not a comedian. She's a story teller. And she's good. Photo slide show included. She was great.
She wraps up her bit, and exits stage left. The lights go out, and the next performer is about to take the stage. I had a brief moment where I wondered if my friend would come and get me and we'd leave, but within a few moments, I realized my friend was not going to leave and was going to wait until the end of the show.
THEN IT GETS WEIRD:
The next performer takes the stage and I immediately hated her. Even fully clothed, I knew she had a BMI of (most likely) 1%. She commanded the stage like a pro. Turns out, her stories involve how she's a poli-sci professor by day and a "cirque du soleil" LIKE aerial acrobatist/contortionist by night. She told us how she first got involved in the circus while working as a professor in China. She briefly alluded to a friend in the circus who was a midget--and to be honest, I would have liked to have learned more about the midget (because, really, who doesn't love midget stories?). She informed us (perhaps as a manipulation ploy?) that her parents were in the audience. She proceeded to tell us how each of her circus costumes were getting progressively smaller, until one day they gave her a costume that was essentially a vial of glitter. Oh, and she said how she's not the most sexually open person, which I feel quite confidently was a lie or at best, a manipulation to make what comes next appear so provocative.
She then puts on a platinum wig, and starts to disrobe. Just when I thought I could not hate her more, she strips down to black electrical tape "pasties" (forming an X over each nip), garter belt and thong, all the while giving a college level lecture on the causes of war (Powerpoint Presentation and laser pointer included), all the while strutting or contorting herself in what I guess she thinks are provocative positions. I was bored to tears and actually pissed that I had to sit through this.
I'm not being entertained--and context is everything. To clarify: Years ago, I was at an S&M club and was weirdly entertained by witnessing someone being suspended by hooks in their flesh. Context! I wasn't expecting nudity in a story-telling performance. And fortunately it was only a half hour long, and the grand finale came in the form of her doing a back bend, all the while fellating a banana. END SCENE. And I hated her even more, because she was so OUT THERE, I feel like she undermined my friend's confidence in her own material, which was radically different than Miss Thing w/the Banana.
EPILOGUE OF PRIMARY STORY:
We're outside thinking about where to go to eat dinner and get drinks, and some random girl comes up and bums a smoke off my friend's boyfriend, and then starts a very animated conversation which included but not limited to thinking about changing careers and muses openly about becoming a notary. I told her she should aim higher, "Fuck it, anyone can be a notary! I AM A NOTARY!" And with that, some strange man walks past and laughs and yells out, "HEY NOTARIZE THIS!" We all laugh and disappear for dinner, where we extrapolated about how Miss Thing with the Banana's "parents" weren't there, more likely her mother and her mother's love or step-father--and perhaps there's some Woody Allen and Soon Yi level depravity going on there.
My friend and her boyfriend are taking off, and my friend's other friend M decides to walk me to the subway, and in doing so, we pass the strange man who passed us earlier in the evening. So I playfully yell out to him, "Hey! Yo! Did you ever get that thing notarized?" And he's laughing and into it. As we continue on our way, I turned to M and ask, "You DO know him from the neighborhood, don't you?" He asks, "Why do you ask?" I said, "Because there was such an air of familiarity, surely you or A know him?" He said, "Nope, I never saw him before in my life!!" I laughed so hard, but hey, things could go sideways quick. I shrugged it off as one of those typical "New York" kind of things that happen.
THE PARALLEL STORY:
THE NEXT DAY, MONDAY:
While still reeling and feeling like a failure and a horrible friend to A (who, to her credit, reassured me, I did not let her down), I mixed up my weekly loaf of bread the next evening (which was Monday). I mixed it up thinking it would be ready to be baked off by Wednesday.
TUESDAY
When I woke up on Tuesday morning, I was met with what I will refer to as the "I Love Lucy" batch of bread dough. The weather is getting warmer and my bread dough really responded to it. So I divided the dough, put in prepared pans and popped them in the fridge to be dealt with later when I get home. I knew I had to bake them off on Tuesday night now instead of Wednesday.
So I baked the bread, two loaves, and as is my habit, I don't have room in my freezer, and decided to bag up the spare and leave it on the door knob of the lady in our condo building, the lady I refer to in my head as "The Godmother."
WEDNESDAY
Wednesday a.m. while heading out to my car, I hang the bread on her door. No note. No nothing; however, I know that she knows who the crazy person is who leaves her random parcels of home baked bread--I mean, who ELSE in the condo complex would do these types of random things except ME?
Wednesday evening, I return home and The Godmother comes out, and gives me a huge hug, and wanted to thank me, and to find out what this week's variety was, and also inform me that the timing was perfect, as Wednesday was the day of her very last chemo treatment.
Point of illustration: My friend A, I promised my word and I struggled to keep it; this Godmother I promise nothing, and the timing was so fortuitous! This further fucked me in the head.
My therapist would stop me as I was regaling him of both the story and the parallel, and inform me that I'm not a failure, and if it were not illegal to do so, he'd slap me to get that thought out of my head. "You WERE THERE! So what! 7 minutes?" Yes yes, I'm hard on myself. I just envision my friend standing there, initially in what was an empty audience, telling her story, as gradually people came in. I contributed to her anxiety! It'll take a while for me to forgive myself... and then...ANOTHER PARALLEL--A WEEK LATER--YESTERDAY:
A week elapses, and I'm in Manhattan to attend three appointments. I have another friend who I try to sync up my appointments when I know I'm going to what we refer to as "The Mount." She either said or implied that she had an appointment and would meet me for lunch between appointment #2 (which let out around noonish) and between appointment #3 (which was at 5:30). Okay. We planned on noon.
She texts me around 12:15 and says can we make it for 1?* I said sure. I look at the time and it's already 12:15, and I thought I might go visit one of the few yarn stores I haven't been to yet, and then reconsidered, as it started to rain, and I wanted to be at the restaurant on time for my friend.
By the time I arrive at the restaurant it's nearing 1 p.m., and she's no where. It is now pouring, cats and dogs. I'm hungry and haven't eaten yet. My feet are wet and cold, and I'm reduced to pacing outside like a homeless person. I cross the street to get out of the rain, and step inside a Lush store and got some small items to kill time--as well as try to give myself that blast of dopamine I thought I was going to get from the lunch date itself.
She texts me that she's running late. Mind you, I'm on Lexington, between 61st and 62nd. "Are you okay? Where are you?" Her reply, "Parkside, 4 stops until I get to Canal Street." (Approximately a half hour or more away). In my head I was screaming. In my head I was LIVID. What I WANTED to blurt out was, "Wait a minute--you're not even at The Mount (right around the corner from where I was earlier yesterday)?" But really, what good is being an asshole, other than to make two people miserable? And making her miserable wasn't going to make me feel any LESS miserable.
What temporarily kept my ire in check was knowing she's got a SHIT LOAD of health issues, many more heavy duty and much more immediately life threatening than I do. A voice in my head said, "She's coming all the way into midtown to see me. Calm down."
So then I looked for YET ANOTHER place to be, to get out of the rain for the undetermined interim until she shows up. I tuck into a pharmacy and buy some items, and then ask if I can sit and hang out due to the rain, and they allow it. Had there been a Dunkin Donuts or a bar, that's where I'd go for either a hot tea or a cocktail to help take the edge off my own percolating anxiety and rage. I was connecting the dots and feeling the familiar pangs of being taken advantage of or being taken for granted, both things I am keenly tuned into. I tried to keep the negative thoughts at bay.
My therapist then chimes in, "So, did you lay into her? Did you rip her a new asshole about being so late?" I said, "No! I was forgiving on the surface!" He then chimed in, "So, why is it you can be forgiving to her for being nearly what? An hour or more late, and yet for your seven minutes you shredded yourself with insults?' I said, "See? I'm worse to myself than to others."She finally shows up, with all an appropriate amount of apologies. However, apologies don't magically give me my two hours back. I am now in a time deficit, time I will never get back.
We finally have lunch. We chit chat too long. The waiter comes by and gives the billfold. I thought/she implied she was treating. He comes by to get the check, only to realize she never put her credit card in it, at which point, I put MY card in it to speed things up. I didn't have much cash on me, and I was still planning on taking a cab to go elsewhere. Additionally, she did not even offer to pay the tip.
I find it distasteful to nickel and dime friends, however, this was to be her treat, and it wasn't a break the bank kind of thing. And we did have a good time. But the sordid issue of coin is still there. So we exit and she's walking with me a bit and asks where I am going, and I said I needed to get to the west side for my next appointment and given the rain I'm going to take a cab. I offered to share the cab to get to Columbus Circle as that was where we both needed to be. When we arrive, I pay--and she doesn't offer to pay even half. Unpleasant to think about, but useful nonetheless.
This is now a trend. This is now a thing. And this is now a thing that I no longer want to participate in. We've known each other for years, however, we've only seen each other IRL two times in two years, and mathematically, she has done this to me every time we get together. As it stands currently, this is not a "one off" type of unfortunate thing that happens from time to time--this is now something that is a trend.
The little voice in my head tells me, "Perhaps this isn't her character? Perhaps she's that broken? Perhaps this could be air-headedness due to her health issues or any medications she may be on?" And then the bigger voice in my head tells me, "Perhaps you see things exactly as they are. Perhaps this is your super power. JUST. PERHAPS."
As distasteful as it is for me to think this, I feel like I'm being manipulated. To feel sorry or compassion for her health situation, and then to feel like my generosity is taken advantage of, and her obvious lack of appreciation for my time.
*Allegedly, the initial cause for her delay was when she first left her house and got to the subway station, she realized she left her cell phone home and went back for it. It would have been useful to know at 12:15 she was texting me from HOME. This information would have been incredibly useful to me. The silence/lack of that information wasted about two hours of my life, which left me pretty much outside in the rain too long, hungry, angry about the waste of time, time I'll never get back. All I knew was I held up my end of the bargain. I showed up on time. I was a good friend, and I just feel like all of those good qualities aren't appreciated or worse, are being taken advantage of-- which of course, makes me just shut down. The entire situation has left me emptied out of everything good I was anticipating about spending time with a friend, and has been replaced with rage and regret.
Had she found out she forgot her phone and the weather up and shit the bed, and she realized perhaps yesterday wouldn't have worked out, why not just OWN that and say "Can we do this another time?" FINE. This is the one occasion I actually agree with Larry David on something.
So while I forgave her (to her face) all in the name of making peace for a friendship (as well as, why make things MORE unpleasant), I faked my way through lunch, and (here it is, two days later) I STILL left with all this misplaced rage and frustration and all the residual ICK! of "what exactly happened yesterday?"
HEREIN LIES THE RUB:
I can forgive her for whatever it was, yet, I cannot forgive myself for caring, or compassion, or even buying even an IOTA of any of the excuses, let alone the money issue.
THE EPILOGUE:
I am now left feeling like a hyper-critical bitch, or perhaps I've got impossibly high of standards regarding what I expect in a friend? I don't know. But I am on the verge of just completely bottoming out emotionally. It's just sad.
From when we finally ate until RIGHT THIS MOMENT roughly 48 hours later, I have been moody and bitchy, with even my husband getting on my last nerve every five minutes or so, and even told off a "friendly co-worker" ("JabippyLoo," for those who are familiar with her being featured in some of my stories about work), who wanted "story time" and when I am about two minutes from finishing said, "Oh you can finish this up later." I said, "Nope. I'm done. You lost your opportunity to see how this ends." And I pretty much told her off as I walked away. Ten years into the fourteen years I've known her it finally kicked in, but now I'm finally able to get in touch with it and articulate it to her in terms she can understand:
I even managed to post a status update on Facebook yesterday that posited the question, "Why do I even bother including others in my plans?" And my friend Kristina, a dear friend, one I can count on replied, "Because not all of us suck?"
Touche, Kristina. Touche. Well played. And again, perspective is a great thing. A worthy truth that bears reminding; however, that aside, I'm just very disappointed and depressed. I don't like feeling like a fool or that I've misplaced my value on someone who doesn't value me the way I value her. Just a thought. My lunch date friend is not a horrible person, we just obviously have very different ideas about what's acceptable behavior to someone we consider a friend.
Currently, I am now in insulation mode, and I'm disinclined to put myself in a position for another opportunity to feel like a shit-heel-fool. 48 hours later, I have now bottomed out completely, emotionally. I'd feel better if I'd have a good cry, but I can't even muster up a few salty tears. I. AM. THAT. EMPTY.
No comments:
Post a Comment