Five Months Later: Continued Radio Silence

Not much new to report here, other than radio silence has been maintained. And yet? I cannot help but feel that my relationship with my mother, as tenuous as it always has been, is perhaps the best it's ever been. I cannot help but connect the dots and come to the conclusion that she and I have a complicated ENOUGH relationship, and subtract my sister from it, the relationship seems on an even enough keel. 

At the end of April, knowing I would not be around or able to visit on Mother's Day, I made the trip to visit mom, and even did a sleep over there, and, as far as these things go, it was about as pleasant as it could be.

This is not to say I do not suspect my mother still has Borderline Personality Disorder, CLEARLY SHE DOES; however, without my sister's interference and influence on us, directly, in a visit? The visit was "nice."

However, initially, when I arrived, my mother was anxious about the possibility of my sister showing up, and (I guess) being upset that I was there. I said to my mother that she should just stop worrying and that one of two scenarios were likely to happen:

1.  My sister would show up, see my car in the driveway, and just decide to drive home; or
2. My sister would come inside to either continue fighting with me or buck up and be an adult and end this thing.

I said to mom that the person who SHOULD be anxious is ME, given I clearly am the sitting duck here, and if my sister were to show up, I would not be expecting to, nor would I want to interact with her.  

I stand by my resolve that she was the one who insisted we stop talking; and if we are to recommence talking, it will be SHE who initiates it, not me.

As I said to my therapist,  I can only handle one nutjob at a time. "There's a time and a place for everything, and everyone, and the time is now, and the person right now is my mother." Given my mother's health, who knows how much time she's got left. She's 70 and to be blunt we are always one medical drama away from "the inevitable." But at the moment she's holding her own--who knows how long this will last. But my focus right now is sobering that given I only visit 4x a year if that, and given her age and health, there is a finite amount of visits, so why not make them pleasant ones? 

Perhaps this is the natural order of things. Perhaps my focus SHOULD be on my mom. Ideally it would be nice if my sister were to get her head out of her ass before mom gets ill again and/or dies. I am not in control of that. Perhaps there will be reconciliation or not. Who knows. But I cannot fixate myself or my finite energy on trying to be someone I am not all in an attempt to try to make someone who is incapable of being happy (my sister), HAPPY? I did my best in the past, and that wasn't appreciated or acknowledged, and was insulted with the accusation of half-assing things. As I see it, it would be utter insanity to put myself out there more, and in doing so, potentially injure or kill myself (as evidenced by that fateful car accident I had, while dad languished in a hospital ventilator unit), all in the name to make her happy--when clearly by her own actions (or lack thereof), she's obviously and consistently not been all that concerned about my well being or happiness. 

A friend asked me recently if I missed my sister, and to be blunt, there's not much to miss. I pretty much was her scapegoat and at times her sounding board upon which she'd vent her spleen about how others have done her wrong or how she's doing so much for our mother or whatever. It always had been a one way street with her. It had easily been 15-20 years since we had done anything remotely sisterly," and the only thing that remained was passive-aggression, resentment, and tsouris.  "So do I miss the grief? NO." In the absence of anything loving or kind or supportive or "sisterly," I will gladly accept her silence.

My only regret is that my relationship with my niece is collateral damage as a result of all this. She's 13, has email and a cell phone, and communicating with me is not important to her. So I shouldn't fixate too heavily on this detail. 

I just know I will never truly have any peace regarding my sister, until our mother is gone. I'm not wishing for an early demise for mom, but merely intellectualizing the truth. Once mom's gone, that's it. Maybe I'll see my brother on occasion, but if things continue with the radio silence as status quo, the notion of reconciliation seems fairly unlikely.

Tomorrow isn't promised to any of us--all the more reason for us to focus on living in the NOW.  That's all I am capable of doing.  And in doing so, I hope to stave off a cascade of regrets later. At least I know, in the end, I did what I was able to do.