Fall 2014 Family Fuckfest Tour: Full on Rumination

Tueday's session with the therapist highlighted the fucked-upped-ness of my mom agreeing with my stalker, then a brief update on the stalker situation itself (inert, I suspect the Haitian door man told him to back off or else I'd contact their manager), and then of course, the full on existential angst I now find myself in, which has me reliving my grief of the loss of my dad all over again, and made me (temporarily, at least) question who, exactly, I was to him, as I went my whole life thinking we were confidantes. 

It is very possible dad took some secrets to his grave--one of which may have directly impacted my opinion on who had access to him post-op, and eventually at his funeral, casting me as a cruel bitch. Still trying to sort out the timeline of things. And I'll try to stay on point in this blog post, and try to limit the babble. 

The drive to the shore was uneventful. For a "pre-family fuck fest" blast of dopamine, I stopped off at Delicious Orchards for some cheesey stuffs for the Thanksgiving I will be hosting in secret at my home, and four pounds of coffee beans, oh and a still-warm no-sugar added apple pie for mom. A quick pitstop before heading on my way. 

I called Audrey as I arrived at the orchards, and said (verbatim): 
Me: "Wash your face, put in your teeth. I'm coming for coffee." I don't know if she was put off or if she thought I was joking or what. 
Her: (real agitated) "What what?" I just went silent. 
Me: "I am coming for coffee, will be there in an hour and a half, get ready." 
Her: "Are you serious?" 
Me: "If you don't want me to visit, say something now, and I'll spend more time with my sister and brother." 

I show up, put a pot of coffee up (I bought some amaretto flavored coffee for her, had it ground for drip--and even bought some half and half, because even if she had it in house, who knows how close it is to expiration--because, RECAP! She has been known to eat rotten food or drink spoiled milk.) I then informed her, "In order to visit all three of you, I have to stick to a schedule." And with that, I set the timer on my cell phone to go off in an hour and a half. She got the lion's share of time, as my siblings each got an hour and ten minutes. (Mind you, when I told my therapist this, he yelped out a bit of laughter and said, "You set a timer?" To which I proudly and firmly said, "Hell yes!" 

I even brought two baby bells and some crackers, and ate my first mini meal of the day then and there. Sat and crocheted. And there was a moment where I could tell I wasn't interesting enough for her, and she turned on the t.v. I sat there crocheting and keeping an eye on the clock, and even short shrifted her 15 minutes because, hey, I surprised her with a visit, albeit a short one, and she can't be focused on the RIGHT NOW without having the t.v. blaring? Yeah. I folded up my stuff, tucked it in the bag, and voila the alarm went off. I attempted to call my sister, and it went to voice mail. Mom: "You're just going to pop in there without calling?" Me: "Yes. And if she doesn't answer the door, no problem, I'll head to my brother's."

I arrive at my sister's and realize that none of the keys on my ring are for her door. I think she lost her keys and had the locks all redone a while back, and now I cannot remove the keys without being at mom's house first as one of them is for mom's front door. I knock on the door, and no one comes to the door. I know my sis and niece are in there, and I can hear what I suspect is a vacuum going. There she is, in full on OCD glory, knee horribly swollen and in pain, there she is, vacuuming, and tidying the house, as she's going to have a housekeeper come in the next day for a deep clean. (I don't understand this at all.)

Anyway, I waited until the vacuum stopped, and I knocked again. My niece answered the door, seemed surprised to see me, but not in an exceeding amount of surprise. Her face lit up, but no hugs or kisses, and then seemed distracted or uninterested. (And of course, my post-visit text, "Hope you enjoyed the visit!" went unacknowledged/unanswered.)

My sister of course, was hell bent on tidying up while I was there, which I could care less about. It was cluttered but not HOARDER level cluttered, but at the core of it all, the house is HYGIENIC, unlike my brother's house which is tidy, but filthy. We sat and bullshitted for a while. I had two sweaters which were a work in progress (sleeves need to be done, and buttons affixed, but other than that, the bodies of the sweaters are done), and demanded my niece try them both on to see how they fit, and then she had to choose which one she liked better. Once it was decided, I said, "Good. Act surprised when you see it at Christmas.") Again, I set a timer and when it went off, time to head to my brother's house.

The timing for my brother's visit was perfect, as TheYentaBeast was heading to temple to say kaddish. I said, "Oh. Sorry for your loss, and sorry but when you arrive home, I'll probably be gone, as I need to leave by 5 in order to pick up the husband at the train." Short and sweet, I said what needed to be said, and to be honest, this was much more than she did for me when my dad died. Fortunately, she did not approach me or try to get a hug out of me, because let's not get crazy! I have not lost my mind. I'm extending condolences, not looking for a warm and fuzzy moment with a cold and prickly bitch.

I sat and bullshitted with my brother for about an hour, about his defibrillator, how he's going next week to find out about getting one surgically implanted, etc. And how all this might end up costing him his CDL and by extension, his job. About fifteen minutes into the visit, who should call on my cell? AUDREY. And I answered the phone thusly:

Me: What's the deal, woman? An hour and a half was not enough time? You're interrupting my brother's hour of face time!"
Her: I wanted to know if you saw your sister.
Me: Yes. This call could have waited until later. Bye.

Brother and I chatted about mom and the stalker, and how she AGREES with the stalker. And I reiterated, "It's just like you said, she opens her mouth and nothing but stupid falls out." He said, "What do you expect? She "friended" your molester on FB, and after I reminded her of you being molested by him, that wasn't enough for her to unfriend him. She eventually unfriended him later, only after he attacked her vanity by saying outright it's deceptive to use a 30 year old photo as her profile picture." 

And touching on that, the molestation (and to clarify, I was molested twice, once by this cousin, and once by my mother's youngest brother) the only time my mother showed any interest in us or anyone, was in anything remotely sexual--so perhaps it's no wonder I was molested twice, and for a time was quite a super slut, no surprise my brother is addicted to porn--with zero self awareness about appropriateness of discussing it in mixed company, or that my sister, I believe, is sexually repressed. We're all damaged.

Then! The existential shit hit the fan. My brother told me about how our dad's youngest sister, the dope-addled one, reached out to him via FB I guess in an attempt to mend fences or have some sense of family or whatever. In doing so, talked smack about our father, mother, me... whatever. And she dropped enough information that was timely enough to give both my brother and I enough pause to believe that it was plausible that dad and his dope-addled sister *might have been* in the process of reconciling before he died.

I'm still trying to flesh out the timeline, because, as of 2004, dad had forwarded me an email from her, which was just nothing more than a hate filled screed. Whatever information she mentioned then was pertinent to then, and not necessarily timely in 2008 when he died. I suspect they were trying to reconcile prior to her screed in 2004.

She harbors a lot of hostility towards me, as with dad's blessing, I did reply to the screed on his behalf, given how ill he was. Though, this was the unenlightened me grasping the low hanging fruit. The best thing to have done at the time would have been to just simply hit the delete button and not give this nutjob any further access. 

But there is that lingering doubt, wondering if in the four years leading up to dad's death he was or wasn't trying to reconcile in private. A lot of what was in the screed dates back to our great-grandmother dying in 1988. The screed is now 10 years old. And dad has been dead six years. It's like every time she gets a snootful of blow or gets half a load on with booze, she decides to try to reach out to someone, to continue to point out the assorted injustices she's endured or to rewrite ancient history and paint herself as the misunderstood victim, and what a bitch I am, etc.

She's an addict. For the most part, they are manipulators and cons. In the FB message, Dope-addled Aunty blames ME me squarely for her lack of access to dad in the hospital, as well as barring her from the funeral. AS IF I wielded that much influence over my family.

Bottom line is, I was asked if I thought she should have access to dad or to the funeral, and going on the information as I knew it, which was the last interaction was the screed of 2004, I said no. But everyone had an opinion. And the decision was made as a family unit by consensus. Yet, she hates me and blames me entirely for her inability to say goodbye. 

That aside, the drive home from my brother's is 2.5 hours, and once I was about a half hour from home, I called him on my cell and put it on speaker phone and continued to talk about the message on FB, I found her hatred of me disturbing, because to be honest, since my reply to the screed? I have not given her a moment's thought. We share DNA and nothing else, and I don't want to participate in this rage filled circle jerk.

My brother talked me out of the notion of emailing Doper-aunty to clarify things. I think the prudent thing is to double check with "C" to find out if there was an 11th hour reconciliation going on, at all, or if all of Doper-aunty's ramblings were the ramblings of a drunk, hell bent on settling some great score. I think once I see "C" next month, I might have my answer to that. I just want some context. Though it is entirely possible the drugs and drink hare distorting the events as Doper-Aunty is reporting them.

I am not an intentionally cruel person. It tears me up to think that IF dad and Doper-Aunty were in the act of reconciling, my opinion IN PART played into her direct inability to say good bye to him.

Also? Much in the way where I lived my life thinking "I'm my father's daughter..." and then when he died, I was like, "if he doesn't exist anymore, who am I?" I now am devastated at the thought that all my life, or at least from age 15 forwards until his death, I always thought we were confidantes, that there were no secrets between us. Initially it tore me up at the thought that he could have been reconciling with his sister, and he did not tell me. He did not tell any of us. And I need to find out from "C" what her version of the story is, to see if he told her, or if all the stuff mentioned in the FB message is OLD SHIT not stuff right before he died.

Existentially, I was devastated at the notion that I wasn't who I thought I was all my life. I feel like some "enforcer" brought in to fight his fight (in that email screed) yet, wasn't privvy to the reconciliation. He trusted me with the knowledge that if he pulled through the surgery, he was going to leave my mom. Yet, he didn't trust me with the information that he was reconciling with Laurie.

Ultimately, Doper-Aunty is not to be trusted, is potentially dangerous, and is looking to hurt anyone and everyone she can. I fixated a bit on the bruised ego, and wondered why he didn't trust me enough with this information--this, of course, could all be moot, depending on what "C" says. Three more weeks until I see her face to face.