15

That is the tally of times mom called my sister yesterday.

15.

1= Acceptable.
5= Excessive enough.
15=LUNATIC.

I am sure at least 2-3 calls were mom weaponizing sis' birthday as an excuse for contact, contact, more contact. But 15? That's the action of someone who is actually insane and/or someone wanting to monopolize someone else's time/space/attention.

Every time I think to myself that I might be having a normal impulse and want to call mom, I think of these situations, and I also think about the INVERSE of 15, which is to say, 31 days have gone without my mom calling me. I know if I do call, the "thanks" I will get will be someone disinterested in the fact I have called, or be met with overt hostility. And then the moment passes, and that normal impulse is met with the reminder that it is for a person who doesn't have normal actions, reactions, responses to life in even the most basic or general sense of the word.

I wouldn't say it paralyzes me; however, it does make what modicum of "Give a fuck" I happened to be mustering up at that given point in time, just dissipate into the ether.

The Post-Holiday Wrap Up

The holidays were very low key (or low key ENOUGH), especially given Xmas and New Year’s were on week days. 

I called mom on xmas day just to get it over with--despite her "weaponizing" the gift I sent her (weaponizing = she called me about 3-4x to leave voicemails on my home, work, and cell phone voicemails to “thank” me). 

Without fail, she was flat and joyless and it didn’t take long for her to launch into the assorted ways everyone is letting her down. 

Complaint #1: She claimed that the staff at Shady Pines “thinks she doesn’t have any family.” 

Complaint #2: She claimed how other residents have family members pick them up and take them out to lunch or for the day. My mom is quite large, with legs bloated by lymphedema and lipidema, and she physically cannot fit in any of our vehicles. Furthermore, she is at a very high risk for slips/trips/falls. Then there’s the matter of by her deciding to “cash in her chips” and remain at Shady Pines, she’s essentially impoverished herself--to date, she’s got $6 in her house account. 

Complaint #3: "It's as if I'm already dead!" I honestly don't know what to say in regards to this beyond the obvious, that she lives in depression and denial about everything, acts all flat and joyless, uninspired and uninvolved (and indifferent to) the lives of others. She's always been depressed, but has amped up especially so since dad's passing ten years ago--also there's the matter of her allegedly attempting to kill herself ten years ago. And even THAT detail I have to just not allow myself to believe, because SHE was the one who told me what she was doing. Every word she has ever uttered to me has either been an outright fabrication or a manipulation (or both). 

She’s in denial about how SHE’s imprisoned herself in her body, and now imprisoned and impoverished herself by staying at Shady Pines. This decision was 100% hers, and of course, she wasted ENTIRELY TOO MUCH TIME coming to the same OBVIOUS conclusion that the rest of us came to months earlier.

Money aside, if at least she were appreciative of our efforts, I am sure we could figure out a way for a special outing--but again, that would involve money as it would no doubt involve a special medical transport service; however, reality, as I see it, that I would love to detonate THIS truth bomb to her:

1. Sis’ husband is recovering from a thyroidectomy & radiation; 
2. My brother’s life has gone sideways in a huge way (and he’s on his same track to impoverishment); 
3. I refuse to drive 2.5 hours, one way, to get there and for her to get bored with me and give me the “bum’s rush” after a half hour, as I fail to see this as a good ROI on the time/money/effort to actually go see her. 

She fails to realize that the well of good will has run dry--much like her bank account. 

The last time I visited her (unannounced; in October two months ago), she was over-the-top with theatrical tears--only for her to start her telephone twattery the moment I left her room--calling her sister (and whomever else) and snarked on about “You’ll never guess who visited me, UNANNOUNCED!” 

The only time she calls me is when I’ve done or sent something to her--other than that, she doesn’t give a shit. In this regard, it's mutual--I, too, don't give a shit! In fact, I have allocated ZERO FUCKS to dispense for the entirety of 2019!

On an amusing note, my sister is getting really in tune and in touch with "speaking her truth" and she's had her "fill" of mom and her endless demands. My sister said, “Hey, did it ever occur to you that Maven sends you those sugar free chocolates WITH THE INTENT to give you diarrhea?” Mom flatly said, “You’re probably right.” And with that, mom polished off the last of the one pound box. 

“Diarrhea--when you don’t care to send the very best!”

A Lot For Which to Be Grateful

We returned from India on Saturday. I was back in the office by Tuesday. And yesterday was Thanksgiving, and I had a full house of company, friends and family.

The trip to India is always a difficult journey, but this time things seemed much smoother and idyllic. We attended a family wedding, and I really connected even more deeply with my mother-in-law, who is truly someone very very special. 

I was very organized for the holiday and the Maharajah is a great help-mate, so much so, he's like the other half of my brain, and we function like a solid unit. We had everything set up in the morning, and by the time I went to bed, I was one more load of dishes away from having everything completely cleaned up. When I woke up, I realized that M had broken down and put away our banquet table, and he quipped, "It's as if Thanksgiving never happened."

All in all, it's a worthwhile expenditure of energy and planning. Everyone involved truly looks forward to getting together, and catching up. And most importantly to me is that everyone is comfortable and accommodated. The true litmus test is to see my brother-in-law, who normally is a bit standoffish with my family (meaning, my birth family, mom's side in particular), and see him actively engaged in conversation and enjoying everyone's company--and likewise, they all look forward to seeing my sister, bil, and niece. 

I'm glad that it's been 16 months since my sister and I have reconciled, and so far, it looks like it's working. To my knowledge, my mother still doesn't know that we have reconciled. 

My brother continues to fail and flail along--and no, I don't include him in Thanksgiving. I exclude him, not out of cruelty; however, it's more a practical decision on several levels. He is entirely too big for the space, destructive, negative, and crude; and I am trying to distance myself from my past and carve out a new life and new experiences. I carefully curate who is included and what foods get served.

I have a lot to be grateful for: reasonably goodish health, a healthy husband, a roof over my head, food in my belly with enough happiness and food to share with loved ones, happy for the reconciliation with my sister, happy to have a broad range of experiences that take me to different hemispheres on this planet. 

My life is full.

We returned on Saturday from India and I held off on calling mom, because Thanksgiving was coming up and I didn't want to do 2 calls in one week. I held off on calling her in the morning yesterday as I didn't want her to taint my mood. I waited until everyone left and I called before it got too late. 

I keep the conversation on surface level stuff. I don't get too deep anymore, not that she ever DID deep before. And before I knew it, she was giving me the bum's rush to get off the phone. I don't give her drama. I don't talk to anyone who drums up drama. So she has no use for me.

Turns out no one visited her on the holiday, not even my brother who had nothing else going on. And while part of me felt sad about that, I quickly planted the thought in my head "it's her choice." It's her choice to remain at Shady Pines. It's her choice to continue to withdraw from people. It's her choice to be alone and lonely in a building full of other souls. It's her choice to do absolutely nothing about her depression and mindset. 

I'm thankful that I called her. Thankful to be reminded of what I DO NOT want for my own life. 

It's just a weird thing though, this "in-between" stage she is in. It's not like she's in a coma or on life support. She's fully functioning in many ways. But over the last 20-25 years, she's gradually given up on life--even more so after dad died. So it's weird seeing her become a ghost, yet still possess a human form--again, it's a choice. 

Life is short--we should live and eat and love and learn and and and... for as long as we are able. Use up every molecule of our being until there is nothing left. Not do what mom is doing, which is akin to taking abundance and just letting it sit and rot, and THAT, imho is not a life well-lived. 

October: Beginning & Ending

Where we left off in October—

After my last post, I spent the weekend at the Jersey Shore and very very glad that the thrust of my  visit was not focused on my mom, as I’d only be disappointed.

I swung by Shady Pines for a visit with Audrey. I itially there was a cascade of crocodile tears—all for show, and within 30 minutes it was as if she was hiving me the bum’s rush.

She sat there is a semi-stupor with dead eyes and no interest. She really has no room for complaint given: 1. It was her decision to go to Shady Pines, despite everyone’s input to go elsewhere; and 2. It was her decision to give up on living a life outside a nursing home. She has no fortitude and in the end isn’t independent, and I guess this works for her paradigm she has constructed, a life where everyone needs to go TO her without any expectation of it being reciprocated.

This is merely the end game of a process that has been on-going for the last 25 years, where mom has gradually, consistently, opted out of, well, putting herself OUT/OUT THERE at all.

I no sooner got outside to my car, when she started to call others to shred me behind my back, “You’ll never guess WHO cane to visit without calling first!” Given the fact that she has a designated shower day during the week, it isn’t like she could have freshened up before the visit, so I fail to see what the problem is. Guess what? There are residents at Shady Pines who have no one at all to visit them, who I feel confident would RELISH a visit, even from a stranger.

Later that weekend, I was visiting with a cousin, who inquired how my visit went. I laid out, honestly,  how it went and even detailed that it is a difficult thing to deal with someone with depression, and incapable of being happy. I also detailed how, at the age of 50, I am trying not to concern myself with watching my words or actions to make others feel more comfortable, when it is obvious through THEIR  words and actions, that they don’t care about MY comfort. (This point will be reiterated or re-experienced at the end of the month).

Towards the end of October, things took a turn at work. TBH, I didn't know if I was about to be fired or arrested.

Turns out the Fartiste reported me to my bosses after I made small talk with her. Now WHY yap to her in the first place? 

All my life i have been cultivated to try to make my tormentors more comfortable—in this case I worried she felt left out of the love fest between me and the younger secretary (who treats me like her mentor), so, in August, I engaged the Fartiste in idle chit chat, talking about something (I have come to find out) I shouldn't have, but in peripheral terms, nothing of substance. Mind you, the Fartiste handles the same type of proceedings in our office and a little bit of good will in the form of a heads up would have been lovely. 

SPOILER ALERT: She didn’t want to just get me to lose my job, but also my very freedom. 

So I got called into the director’s office, and her opening line was, “You DO realize it is a felony to disclose anything right?), so yeah, terrorized me right from the get-go. Fortunately, the discussion was more along the lines of an FYI type of thing to protect me; however, at the time, I was so utterly shocked, it caught me off balance and distracted me to the point where I didn't think to ask who reported me--despite the obvious choice.

My tipping point has been met. I’ve decided I need to change therapists, and see one who focuses on schema therapy.

So, I held my water (such as it is) until TODAY, and thought I'd finally be able to talk to my current therapist about this. Sadly, my current therapist is dealing with a gastroesophageal junction cancer diagnosis and started chemo right around the time shit went sideways for me at work, and despite my request to inform me via a text on my cell phone (as I wouldn't be in the office to retrieve my emails until AFTER our designated appointment time), he EMAILED me instead of texting me. So yeah, that fills me with MEH, the idea I rushed to get out of the house an hour earlier than normal to sit in my car and wait for a phone in session that was not to be. I'll blame it on chemo brain. He's got bigger issues than my bullshit with which to contend.

So my refrain from the beginning of the month is on the sidelines, showing me in living vivid color that this person is evil, and isn’t worth my time, courtesy or energy (to devote to merely THINKING of her).

I have been out of the office for two whole weeks, having spent an idyllic visit with my in-laws, and started to actually feel REFRESHED or somewhat RESTORED, and then I had to do something I dreaded: RETURN TO THE OFFICE TODAY. I was greeted enthusiastically by several people, one of whom I didn't anticipate (the #2 guy in our office); and the Fartise remained consistently nonplussed by my presence, and didn't utter a "hello" or "welcome back" or anything else of the sort.  

This all has been a huge wake up call--and I've had smaller ones too recently. After spending close to $8K to visit family in India, an uncle replied how we should visit more frequently (despite us visiting every two years). And my first response is to get ticked that we already ARE visiting them, and they want MORE. And the Maharajah's response is that I should look at things from another perspective--that these people love me and want to spend MORE time with me to love me some more.

I acknowledge that I am broken and I need help. And whether my current therapist gets back to me so we can have that discussion or not, I WILL get the help I need to do what I need to do to break out of this cycle.

More Telephone Twattery

Where I left off last month, after I told off my aunt, I blocked her on my cell phone, forming a communications choke point. If she wanted to contact me, she had to do so via email or my house phone.

It took a full month for her to figure this out.

I can only assume she attempted to send me a text on my birthday, of which I never received (for obvious reasons) and never replied to her.

I can only assume she attempted to send me her annual heart emoji on my dad's birthday (she has fetishized his birthdate and death date for the past ten years), and that too, went without an acknowledgement on my end.

And two weeks ago (as of tomorrow's date), she attempted to text me to let me know my Aunt B passed away, and that too went without acknowledgement.

She eventually emailed me, "I guess you've got me blocked on your cell, but I wanted to let you know that Aunt B died."

Okay, clearly she wants some kind of acknowledgement from my end--and I only acknowledged the death with a "Thanks for letting me know." In regards to her suspicions of blocking, I let sleeping dogs lie.

Then Audrey called me a couple days later to let me know, "I know your aunt got in touch with you, but I wanted to let you know myself, that Aunt B died."

And there goes Audrey AGAIN, weaponizing, this time, a death date, as an excuse to attempt more contact. It has been nearly a week since she called me, and I haven't been interested enough in giving her a call back.

This further irritates me, because both, Audrey and my aunt, BOTH, were not, shall we say, CHARITABLE with their opinions of my uncle's wife. BOTH of them acted jealous or resentful of him, even going so far as nicknaming him Tom Monzo (his wife's maiden name). 

Perhaps they were jealous of Aunt B, as she was a stay at home wife and mother until the day she died. She didn't have to work one single day outside of her home, unlike Audrey or my Audrey's sister. 

Perhaps they were resentful of Tom because 25 years ago he moved away, away from their abusive father and the whole family dynamic.

As an adult, looking upon this with eyes and opinions of my own, I don't think he ran away. I think he ran TOWARDS something. Aunt B's family clearly is tight knit and loving and decent--Tom would be a fool not to be attracted to that--as I am attracted to the same qualities in my own in-laws.

So, I've held off on the post-mortem discourse--wherein Audrey will act as if she is truly grieving over B's passing. To be honest, I didn't think either Audrey or my aunt actually LIKED her. To act otherwise is simply dishonest.

So, I texted my uncle. And at another point in time, he and I chatted. Aunt B passed on 9/19, and she was laid to rest this weekend. I sent him a card which should be arriving today. 

I hope the card and sentiments I sent, will bring him something resembling comfort. We all are just poor substitutes for the person he really needs, the person who would really understand and help him through this--Aunt. B.

The Fuckery Continues: 9 Months And No End In Sight

Nine months into this, and there's still not much to report. 

He's still not divorced, but from what I hear, he's being taken to the cleaners, and defibrillator or not, he has to take a second job in order to keep up with his alimony and child support payments. 

He's still half assing his way through paying bills, and well, time will only tell if he ends up getting evicted due to non payment of rent.

On another note, his house finally foreclosed, and he was too obstinate to listen to reason when it came to negotiating a price for "Cash for keys" as the new owners would like to take occupancy ASAP.

Meh.

And Audrey is still... AUDREY. Center of the universe itself. And was actively rude to my niece (her grand-daughter). My niece had her on speaker phone so my brother-in-law heard it all, and no doubt this will mean Audrey sees less and less of her grand-daughter.

Current writing, it's been a year since I bothered to go there. It's depressing, and she makes no attempt to not come off as pathetic and also underwhelmed by my presence--so why bother? Even her sister has backed off too, and is now making trips to see her every other month or so. Eventually no one will go visit her, and of course she'll blame everyone else except HERSELF for the state of things.

And if/when I do finally go there, I'll bring a sub sandwich, which she will devour even if she just finished eating lunch. The sub will be a distraction. And by the time she's done with that sub, I'll be out of there. And even so, she'd find some fault with the sub, to which I'd dispense a passive-aggressive "YOU'RE WELCOME" while sporting my bitchy resting face.

Nothing is ever good enough--so why bother, right?

And some NEW fuckery has been brought to light.

For the last year, I've sensed a weirdness, an alienation of sorts from my aunt (mom's sis). I had no idea what's going on, and of course, a characteristic of that side of the family is to be oblique and passive-aggressive.

Turns out, for the last year, she has told I DO NOT KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE (besides my sister and my niece) that:

1. She has a spreadsheet of who gave what ($$$) to my cousin's wedding in July 2017;
2. She has me listed on that spreadsheet as giving $50--not the $150 in cash I tucked inside the wedding card; and
3. She has told others how I make time for my cousin David and not for my mother (or my aunt).

Mind you, this is not a one-off kind of scenario. 15+ years ago, my cousin KewpieDoll did some fuckery spreading lies to her mother, which then caused a rift, which tho repaired, the relationship was never the same after. My aunt even said she knows what a liar her daughter is. And, I am sad to say, I suspect KewpieDoll is at it again. 

So, I sat and marinated in that knowledge for a full week, and in a fit of an anxiety attack, I decided to text my aunt the following:

FYI:
1. I put $150 cash in KewpieDoll's wedding card;
2. I have not seen anyone--you or David--since Aunt Sandy's wake in October; and
3. I am 50. An adult. The frequency of my visits to my mother are none of your business.

The solitary reply I got back was:

"Message received."

I went one step further and said:

I will no longer be shamed nor manipulate by my mother or anyone. Whatever monster you or anyone else might think of me does not change my reality.

Of course, no further reply from her was forthcoming.

And since my birthday was coming up, I decided I to block my aunt on my phone, so as to avoid her using my birthday as an impetus for contact, to prevent my aunt from "weaponizing" my birthday.

So my birthday came and went and my sister asked if I heard from our aunt. And I said no, why? And apparently, my aunt was going to text me for my birthday. I said to my sister that I blocked her on my phone, that I refuse to allow her to raise my blood pressure any further, and if she wishes to communicate with me, she can do so via my email. 

My birthday was on the 19th. It's now 8 days later. No email has been forthcoming.

Between the innate passive-aggressive fuckery on that side of the family as well as what I will deem "Trump Derangement/Delusion Syndrome" that 99% of my extended family is participating in, it's really radically winnowed the familial herd. 

It takes more than a few strands of DNA to make a family. Family are people who WANT to be involved in your life. Family are people who care about YOU above and beyond politics or religion. DNA doesn't equate to love or understanding or even respect for that matter. 

Additionally, if my aunt has known all along what a manipulator my mother is and she didn't make it her business to intervene on behalf of me and my siblings for the countless indignities and abuses we suffered as children; then what I do or don't do NOW is none of her business as well.

FOUR

FOUR.

That is the exact number of telephone calls received between 8/18 and 8/22.

1. 8/18 Audrey called to wish me a happy birthday.
2. 8/18 Audrey called back to apologize--she thought the 18th was my day.
3. 8/19 Audrey called--and we SPOKE.
4. 8/22 Audrey called YET AGAIN, this time, to see if I  got the birthday card she sent. I neither picked up the call, nor did I call her back. Clearly, this was her weaponizing my birthday, all to get more attention out of me. Attention and energy (and give-a-fuck) I outright lack.

The card was another, non-descript, impersonal card, the kind you get in a bundle when you donate to AMVETS or St. Jude Hospital.

The card is bad enough--and then there's the inscription she put inside. I really feel a bunch of different emotions reading it:

1. Initially I feel like she's trying to appeal to my sentimentality--and is trying to manipulate me that way. 
2. Then there's the feeling like we are living in entirely different universes. "It was a journey we took together." AS IF I had any choice in this endeavor! Also, I find it interesting her use of "was" and not "IS." Neither of us is dead (yet), so it's an ON-GOING journey, isn't it?
3. Then the anger hits me. The anger in it taking her 50 years to attempt to appear thoughtful--what about all the years I actually needed love or validation? JUST LIKE HER FATHER, she has the ability, and she just turns it on and off, at will.

And knowing myself, I know when the time comes and she'll no longer be in the land of the living, I'll be even more pissed, as it took her fifty years for her to attempt something that resembles thoughtfulness--but I know the thoughtfulness is not its own end--but is a means to an end, in this case, weaponizing my birthday/birthday card, in order to achieve her END, which is more attention in the form of a telephone call. What about all the years I needed the unconditional love that a mother SHOULD provide? All the years she was emotionally unavailable to me? 

I cannot take even the simple act of a card at face value, I cannot let my guard down, because that's how she worms her way back in. I have her pidgeon-holed right now, in a designated space, safely at arm's distance away. And even the fact I am actively aware of doing this, it takes energy and headspace to be vigilant and protective of myself and my life.

I have spent roughly the last 18-19 years flying solo. No parental safety net--not that I had much of one to begin with. I have built a nice life, and I'm protective of it. This is perhaps the most stable time of my life.

Sure. She gave me life, but in many ways, she's tried to destroy it, too.